This weekend we had plenty of family time..my d was asked by neighborhood friend to go somewhere and I included my H in the decision..he said no this is the only time we get to spend together as a family..Saturday night he asked me to sleep in our basement w/ him aka his apartment..he held me most of the night and said ya know this does not change things between us..I ignored him he was drunk I said lets not talk about r or I will go upstairs...more family time on Sunday...He was back in the basement last night..His actions are not matching up with his words...I am SO confused...I just think if he wanted a divorce or to leave he would have done it by now...it has been 5months since this began and he is still here..maybe he just has no where to go...I am really confused..I have not nagged or B at him for 2 weeks now and I do not intend to start
You get unconfused when you start focusing on what you can control - yourself, your feelings, actions, thoughts and words.
What have you done about being obsessive? (I haven't read your whole thread.) Nobody likes to feel controlled.
What things about you could use some improving?
What are you doing to detach?
Is he having a EA/PA now ?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I have stopped all emails to him(about 5months ago I started that) I do not call him when I am at work( I used to call alot) I dont ask him to come out of the basement or to put his ring back on(2 weeks on that one) I never talk about our future(really hard to do when we have 2 small children) I stop most BS that comes out of his mouth when he is drunk by changing the topic. I dont ask him when or if he is going back to school. I encourage him to go running or biking or if he needs a break from things that I will watch our children while he goes and watches football.. I dont nag about anything...
I do not think he is having an affair...but who knows..he is home every night and on weekends...attentive to me and the kids..
As far as detaching..not much...I was but he reeled me back in,
I can use A TON of improving..my anger issues, being more organized, not worrying so much about him, my money managing skills could use some work...I already run and workout...I am starting therapy this week...but I have done a pretty good job of changing the way I react to him.
i realize that a man does not want a needy nag...so I have been trying to change that. But I am starting to think what about me...I have ignored my needs for so long..it has always been about him for me...I have always been scared to lose him..but when and how can I turn that around...
I don't know much about your sitch but it sounds like you're monitoring him & the OW pretty closely, I have learned to pay attention to that gut feeling, that instinct that says something is out of place, it's an instinct that we've pretty much been trained not to pay attention to but it exists for a reason.
I don't think you're going crazy, whenever a spouse is having a relationship with another person that totally breaks through boundaries of respect, you're going to react in ways you're not used to reacting. Feeling paranoid, anxious, sad, happy, angry and repeating all of those emotions repeatedly, it's very stressful on your mind & body.
There is nothing we can say or do to stop what's going on in this situation.
Your husband doesn't want be with you, he tells you he's not attracted to you as a spouse, just as a friend, etc. Activities that are out of place, a friend that was once a best friend that now isn't, there are many circumstances at play here.
What can you do? Not sure.
One stance is this.
Talk to him.
I know they say no relationship talk but sit him down - when he's sober.
Tell him how you feel.
Something like "You know I have this feeling like you're having an affair and you probably justify it in your mind because you don't want to be married anymore. If this is really the case, then I have to let you go. Looking at you everyday is a reminder of the marriage I don't get to have anymore and the person I can't be close with anymore and although it hurts me, being an adult means I have to deal with this situation in the best way possible. We have children, I expect you to honor your responsibility as a parent. We can't go on living together if you really don't want to be with me so I'm expecting you to leave since you are the one that doesn't want this marriage to work anymore. You are free to pursue this other woman now without fear of being caught by me. I will take some time for myself to heal from this and when i'm ready I will pursue dating again and I WILL find someone who respects me and the relationship they have with me and they will know not to take what they have for granted because it can all vanish in the blink of an eye. I'm apologize for my role in all of this but I realize that relationships are a dual responsibility, we both contributed to this and now we have to go about ending this in the most mature way possible so as not to harm the children and to remain civil with each other. Maybe we can be friends one day but right now our goal is to be civil with each other. I expect you to start looking for another place to living within the next month or so so that I can start moving on with my life. When you are gone, I will heal from this pain and then start to move on."
Seriously, sometimes you have to detach, you have to let go of them, otherwise what else is going to get them into action if they really want the relationship. Otherwise you are just coasting through life, living in limbo which is what you are doing right now, sucks big time, you can admit it, it feels horrible not to know what the deal is with your relationship, it sucks that your husband may be having an affair with another woman.
What is he attracted to in her vs. you?
The primary factors in attraction for men with how they are attracted to women is physical. But aside from that, other factors include appreciation, respect, allowing him to be a man, maybe you take too much of the role of leader in your household and he feels out of place, you should be sharing that responsibility. Do you nag alot? Maybe she doesn't nag at all? Maybe she praises him alot and he hasn't felt that appreciation or praise from you in a long time. Do you always look at him and give him the feeling that he isn't enough or isn't doing enough? Alot of things you can't control, you've mentioned his drinking, does he do alot of that? If he has a substance abuse problem, you can't fix that, only he can and it's possible if he is having an affair that the OW is enabling this in some form or fashion. Maybe it's a sex thing, maybe he gets more sexual satisfaction from her than he does with you if he is actually having an affair.
It's hard to say without alot of info but I think we all need to realize at one point we have to let go of the people that don't value the relationship they're in with us. If they value the relationship they're in, they'll do what it takes to keep & maintain this relationship and if they don't do anything, you have your answer.
Good luck, I wish you all the strength & courage while you implement that last resort technique - I feel that if you don't present the fear of loss with spouses that are having affairs, they won't ever be prompted to change at all. Why should they change, what would make them change?
there's one variable here...I am not so sure there is an affair...I went away for a whole weekend and the only time he left the house was to go running or get coffee...He was here every night. He is here every night and on weekends. She was my best friend 3 years ago..I ended the R with her...the only time he could be with her is on their lunch break and I work with her and know when they go to lunch.
You will have to read my last couple of posts to get a feel for what is going on now...I just want him to come out of the basement and put his ring back on but I dont want to push him...he wants to have S with me again...that is the odd thing..he started being nice again...that is why I am confused..
Thank you so much for your advice Robx and Coach...I am confused though..I am not sure the OW talk would work bc I am not sure there is OW...I do appreciate you taking the time to post to me...but things have turned around since my first post:)He has been affectionate and loving again...which is weird and his actions do not match what he is doing...
I am discouraged. I dont know where to go from here. I dont know if he will ever come around. I think he will be stuck in the basement forever. Last night for the second night in a row I had to go to bed early because he was drinking and I did not want him to say anything to me. I just feel so stuck. Stuck in limbo. I dont know what to do..No amount of weight or space or anything will change this...I feel down.
Physically speaking, it's not possible. Your DNA is very tightly wound together. (That's a joke, but true none the less.)
We’ve all given you the same advice Swimming…you just don’t take it.
Get a Life. Stop expecting anything from him. He’s still there. You avoid the arguments.
So the only thing left for you to do is to get a life and stop expecting anything from him. Don’t push, don’t pursue, get a life.
He’s not supposed to make you happy. Do you believe that? You aren’t responsible for his happiness either. So with that, you can’t be the one to make him unhappy and he can’t make you unhappy…..unless you let him.
Take back you life here Sweet Pea. You are a smart fun person with things to do and to accomplish. You have a family that needs you to keep it together.
Look, if this guy thinks he can do better than you, don't you love him enough to let him do that? Don't you want him to be happy? Let him go.
Really between you and me, he knows he's got a pretty good deal where he is. There maybe some doubts, so erase them for him. Be the best damn woman you know how to be. That's for you. That's for your benefit. If H sticks around because he sees it too, well, good for him.
And from now on, YOU do NOT let him back in your room until he gets his crap together. You want to turn things around? This is how you do it: WORK ON YOU.
Right now, write a list of the things you want to work on for you about you. I saw you started one earlier. Start with that. Work on it. Be good to you. Set your goals and achieve them. Then treat yourself. A mani/pedi. Ice cream, whatever you think you deserve.
If dummy wants to walk and let some other great dude come in and be the man of his house, and let some other dude benefit from what a great woman you've grown into, so be it.
Let go of your fear Swimming. Concentrate on you because concentrating on him is making you a basket case. And for the record, do you want to be with a basket case? Or would you like a sexy confident partner?
I made a list with 4 big goals and a few small ones. I know that I already have a lot to offer him but it sucks feeling rejected..sucks to know that he is so selfish that he would break up our family and I would have to sacrafice not seeing my kids as much because he is too weak to work on the marriage. I think he thinks he is too good for me. So should I be working on LRT here or just GAL and 180's? It has been 5 months..he is still living with us. He still participates as part of the family and we are ML every now and then...Thanks Stronger. You are the best..you make me smile!
Then something is working. Now I think it would be time for GALing, and do it seriously without expectations from him. And continue the 180's. You may need to update them.
I can say from own experience, once I made changes, H did too. And there were plenty of days I felt angry I was carrying all the weight of this relationship, but that's just how it is and I just accepted it. Now, he is making some effort too.
If he picks a fight with you, just look at him and say/ask "What answer can I give you right now to end this fight completely and put you in a good mood? I am not going to do this with you anymore. Do you understand? If you don't want to be happy, then that is your choice. I want to be happy. You and no one is going to stand in the way of that. So right now, what answer do you need from me so you can shut up and be in a good mood?"
Takes some real brass ones on your part....but I'm very curious as to what his reaction would be. And don't say it with an attitude, say it like you are just tired and annoyed and just don't feel like arguing with him anymore....which really is the way you feel, right?
