I do understand how exhausting it is trying to co-parent with someone who is suspicious of everything you do, and hates the very sight of you.... I am also very aware of how it effects,or is it affects the children. If you can focus on the best interest of the children, just maybe you can forgive (in time and in YOUR time) his actions during the time he was at his worst. I know you can't forget what he has done, but the choice is yours whether you will continue to forgive.
I know I would just melt if I were to ever hear just one appology, and now it seems you have two, or at least an email confirming the reality of his original appology. This is promising....
As he confirmed his appology, why not try to confirm your acceptance, to reassure him that you are willing to meet him half way, and work for the sake of the children..... it's a pretty good reason, as you already know. There are so many situations in the future to work towards, that even if you continue on separate paths, the girls will be so much more at ease if you two can be civil towards each other, like school graduations, marriages and Grandchildren..... the work you do now, will be so worth the effort.
Understand, that he will have relapses, he will be spooked easily, and be very insecure about your acceptance of him and those things he has done.... patience and tolerance are necessary, as I know you have these things in reserve, within your own strengths.
One small step at a time, be as reassuring as you can be, but again, remain true to yourself. There's no reason to bring up the pain you have had at this time.... he's not strong enough for that now, although I am perfectly aware the hurt you have and have felt, needs to be heard, and should be heard, now is not the time, unless it is here or with a counselor.
You are doing great! Patience and baby steps my dear.....
Blessings
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
wing, I think your posting to him about the apology and advising him to keep the focus on the children is the best way to go. You do not need to hash out all of the pain and suffering right now. There will come a time when you'll have the opportunity to discuss all of this with him, but now is not the time.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ex-H and I had a pretty good relationship when we first separated. I vented here, not to him. It certainly wasn't warm but we were good in front of the girls. We even celebrated D's birthday and sat at a graduation together. He told a mutual friend of ours that he kept waiting for me to go crazy on him - yelling, screaming, crying. It didn't happen. In fact the couple of times when it would start to get a little heated, I would end the conversation and call him later and tell him that I didn't want to have that kind of relationship with him.
All of this ended when his second OW (my former friend) entered the picture. It was actually okay at the beginning of their relationship - we still remained cordial to one another. But what changed was his relationship with the girls. He missed more and more of their "stuff", he would leave them to babysit OW's children so they could go out, and he started lying to them. As their relationship became strained - I continued to try and help until he broke the final straw (I had to explain to him that sharing a bedroom with OW when they were there was upsetting to them and asked that he stop. He promised and then ignored it). I realized that I was trying to fix a relationship that wasn't mine to fix and, that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shield the girls from all the hurt in the world. It was at this point that I stopped interfering. It was also at this point where our relationship became more strained. There wasn't a specific incident, other than the room sharing thing, but it was getting more and more difficult for me to get past the pain he was causing the girls. In an effort to not explode, I just avoided.
But even during this time, I didn't bash H to the girls. I find myself slipping at times and making excuses for ex-H when he does something stupid, or telling them that he sometimes doesn't know how to show his love. But for the most part, I just listen to them vent.
But he is convinced that I sabotage him and OW. When D didn't want to go to his house, he was furious with me. When both told him that they didn't like OW, he thought it was me manipulating their thoughts. He wanted me to tell them that their relationship was okay and that I had moved on and was okay with everything. Even something as simple as determining what day of the week they should spend with him - I never spoke to them about it - I told H he had to tell them. He did and asked what day they wanted. Then he blamed me for the day they picked because he didn't want it to be that day.
So when I say that he is suspicious of me, this is what I mean. I find myself thinking "okay, if the girls tell him this, how will he blame me". That is what I find exhausting.
And actually, I can't imagine ever telling H the hurt that he has caused me. It is water under the bridge. What good would it do?
