Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again HOME AGAIN....ROUND 2

Morning Annette and welcome to my thread.

Yes, my H was a stereotypical MLC H. I'd never given MLC a thought until I read about it on this board and then when I read the stages...It was as if they were describing my H. I feel I can say, without exaduration, that say my H is now in stage six. I was grateful to find that there was some explanation for my H becoming a complete and total stranger in both character and deed, it has allowed me to look at the horror of all this through a more understanding and compassionate view. NOT that MLC makes the pain any less destructive or the roller coaster any less sickening, but it certainly helps us understand what to expect and WHY they might be acting as they are.

I'm so glad you found this BB Annette, this has been a sanity saver for so many of us.
Please pop in to visit again, you're always welcome on my thread!
T2

Cathy,

Don't be silly, you're always welcome here. Drop in anytime and share away, that's what this is all about!

I think your H's having left things at the house IS his silent foot in the door. Expect a lot of indecision, a lot of 'non-committment', a lot of "I can't do this anymore'....because right now, where their heads are at they want to believe that. They want to believe anything and everything that they think will spare them any degree of pain for what they're doing.

I wish ALL of us could have the strength to just back off, stay civil and watch them work through their madness...because THEY WILL.

MY H is proof of that. He was so cold, so indifferent, so harsh just 15 monts ago...and today he's fighting so hard to be the man he was before MLC took over his heart and mind.

T2

T2--just looking over some of your thread....you have been a great support to alot of people. Something that struck me and I have been around here about a year, is that I keep feeling like my h jsut does not want me anymore, stopped loving me, yet I read here that it could be guilt..I had never thought that before.....my h had some kind of an ea with his ff..I truly beleive him that it was not romantic..all that is on my past threads....I keep wondering why he won't make any effort to work on the m, and it is possoble that he feels guilty for the part he played in the m. I have been grasping at my own guilt for accusing him and assuming that he was having an a....thinking that I have hurt him is why he does not come around...boy have I been stupid...we do not have any r talks as I am afraid of what he might say....his lease is up next month and I assume he has renewed it, as he has not said he would like to come home.....your opinion....and I have asked many people this(KAW, Jethro, LL, they all know me)should I ask h to have a r talk, and how do I do it so as not to sound demanding of answers? Some say let him be..in his own time he will talk...I am not so sure..maybe he is waiting for me to ask him to come home, just maybe there is GUILT there and he wants my forgiveness..maybe he really does not want me or our m.......

I am sorry that I rambled on and took over your thread..you seem so wise and I just wanted to throw it out to someone other than the regulars that I have been posting to.

Thanks
Sue

Sue,

If you haven't had a R talk in quite a while, I don't see where having a 'let's see where we're at chat' can do any harm.

Pick a place that's mutually 'safe'...say a nice diner over coffee and a piece of apple pie or a stroll through your local park or sitting parked at a water's overlook. Someplace quiet and nonthreatening to either of you. EVEN if it has to be OUTSIDE in your own backyard.

Keep the convo POSITIVE. Don't use any negative statements like: I KNOW you're renewing your lease, guess that means you're NOT coming home anytime soon if ever.

DON'T say anything that will make him have to defend his current position.

How about saying, "I know this past year has been as tough for you, as it has been for me. As painful and confusing as it's been, I'm grateful to have had the time and opportunity to step back and review my life, my wants and my needs. I hope that you have too. I love you, and I am determined to hang on to that love, for as long as I can, and I hope that you will find your way back to me once you've had a chance to work through whatever it is you need to do. I have come to see my own flaws and shortcomings as well as my stengths and assets, I like me better now AND I think I understand your need to find those answers for and about yourself too. I may not be your wife right now, but I will always be your friend."

Then END the R convo. Let it all sink in. Let him silently mull over your announcement of commitment to him and what he's going through. It'll be tough. It won't have instant healing as a response....but IT WILL give him permission to not feel so pressured to "CURE" himself immediately, and that will work in YOUR favor eventually.

JMHO
T2

Okay gang, on Deb's advice I'm posting the following for your feedback.

I told (and shamefully admit it here in writing) that I was a little jealous of my sister poster whose H has just returned home and her H gave her a new ring to commemorate the event. It started me to thinking about how uneventful my Hs return home was.

I talked to Deb this morning about my needing some things from my H. So, I'm asking all of you to help me figure out how to get it.

I want:

Words of gratitude that I've allowed him to come home, that I stayed the course and let him go thru his 'crisis' and did not abandon him or our M.

I want a thank you.

I want WORDS of assurance that he's in this for the long haul, no matter what this time.

I want him to tell me he loves me FACE 2 FACE, not on the damn phone.

I want HIM to say he'd like a recommitment ceremony.

I want alot of things that I don't think he can or is willing to give me. And I want to not resent that fact so damn much.
T2

Hey T2~ Glad to see so much great conversation here! I can't get over how patient and peristent you have been throughout your whole nightmare--I give you so much credit!!!

You have given me food for thought...H and I are in the last stages before D. The house is for sale and we are splitting assets. I had been so good at detaching until now. All of a sudden, I am sad all the time and wondering if this is right thing to do...what if he comes out of MLC after we are D?? I can't seem to stop thinking about that!

Any ideas or advice?? Keep detaching? Keep him thinking there is hope? (it worked for you....)Ask if he is sure about this (that seems to go againset Dbing...) UGH!!!!

Sun,

NEVER GIVE UP if your M is really what YOU want. A D is just a piece of paper. YOU can tell your H that you wish there was a way to build a friendship with him (because that new friendship is really where the new M starts)...That rebuilding CAN happen after the D.

You should feel free to say anything you want to your H at this point. Because nothing you say that scares him will change the course for you BUT something you say MAY begin to change the way he sees things NOW. HE may also be unsure of this decision as well.

Take a chance and accept the outcome. Life is to damn short.
T2

T2: Sage is right on. You will likely get all of those things, but not in your timeframe, and you may have to hint or even initiate some of those things.

T2, I want to give you a little background on my sitch that might give you a little more perspective on what has been my recent events.

We have been together for going on 10 years. When we first got together, Wolfie said he wanted to get married...and we started to plan it. We got as far as picking the place, making a budget and saving.

Wolfie went back to school and money was tight for about 2 years after that. Just after he got out of school and got a job, we had a big thing come up with his youngest son.

Wolfie's ex-wife had custody of S(8 at the time) and her two other boys. Her kids were taken away due to her and her boyfriend neglecting and abusing them. We spent everything we had to get custody of S and get him up here with us. Had to get a bigger house to accomodate larger family.

After a few years, after we got back on our feet financially, I started mentioning the getting M thing and got the big blow off. About 3 years ago, the boys started mentioning it and Wolfie gave me a ring that Christmas. Then the subject got dropped. No planning, no mention, nothing.

About a year after that, he started going into depression..and well, you all know how that played out.

One of the things that came up in our counseling was how insecure and humiliated I have felt about the not-carrying-through with the wedding thing. I am also not willing to live with the results of one of us dying without having legal standing. As the law stands now, his military survivor's benefits will not apply to me if we aren't married, and both of our social security monies will go to our EX-spouses which is completely unacceptable.

Given this scenario, I think my folks are right: It IS about damn time!

Sage,

You are always a breath of fresh air. Thank you for stopping by and thank you for your response.

You know, I'm not a very 'sentimental' person and yet, I find the desire to have some kind of recommitment ceremony very important to me, to us, as a couple. I guess I want a 'public testimony' of my H's commitment. To me it'd be as if he was announcing to the world, "I faltered but I have righted my life and I am going to live it with the woman that stood by me as I fell."

ya know?
T2