You are getting great advice, I was in your shoes just 9 months ago. I did everything you did, with the pursuing the crying the begging, the neediness. Then I decided to say my piece one final time, the whole you are breaking up this family, are you insane, how are you going to look into the eyes of our children and tell them you are leaving because I will not lie for you and tell them that this is what we want. I luckily found this site the next day, and started to implement the wonderful advice I received.
I got a haircut, started to wear nicer clothes, worked out, lost about 15 lbs, looking good. Started to wear cologne, started to go out with the fellas on Friday evening, did my 180's, started making the bed for I also sleep in our bed, started to do the dishes for the family. Oh, and I started to go to this hot little trainer at the gym.
A couple of weeks later she said she was going to try to work on us, she started to go to an IC and a few months later I was invited in.
I have made these changes intially for my wife to notice. I realized that the changes I made are really good for me. My wife noticing is just an awesome by product.
You can do this, but you have to throw out your emotions, I pretended that she left me, because really she did, although she was in the house with me, I did my own thing, played with the kids, went out, played golf, and gave her the space that she needed. I was pleasant with her, but I spoke to her only when she spoke to me, and I always ended a call or convo first.
Get to be a fun guy again, that guy she fell in love with the first time. Be confident, take care of the business that you need to take care of financially. Be a leader. If she brings up anything, be nice and informative, but also really too busy to hang around, you have alot of stuff going on. And if not, fake it until you make it.
Good luck and let me know if I can help in any way.
Well she called me at work today just to tell me she hopes I have a nice day. I am not even sure when that last happened. I will take it as a positive baby step.
I just have to vent for a second and let all of you know how bad I feel for each of us who have to go through these struggles.
It is so hard for me to understand how my best friend and lover can be so emotionally and physically distant from me now, as if I am contagious with some disease. I just don't understand it. It is so frustrating.
I am so glad that this site is here for us to support each other. My prayers are with all of you who are suffering.
Ok. Just a not to say i blew it. I let my heart overrule my head. I texted my wife to say Hi and ask how she was. I finally got a text back which was a very simple response. No more, no less. Obviously she does not care if I contact her or not and, as you all have mentioned, she probably does not want me to contact her. Why do I keep trying to think she may care. This sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you see what you did as pursuing? It was, you know. You looked for a reason to contact her.....and actually, she responded more like you should if she had contacted you. Let me give you a list of things that help newcomers understand a little more how to go about some of this, okay?
DO'S & DON'TS FOR THE LBS
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through conversation.....say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.) 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) 8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.) 10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act as if you are moving on with your life! 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time. 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self-help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So, my 180's of not touching, kissing, etc. seem to be exactly what she wants. Instead of drawing her to me, it seems to be exactly what she wants (no physical contact). What is next? I hate being a roommate to my spouse. I make no comments about the lack of any contact but instead hold in anger as I see my male friends get more affection from her then I do. A marriage can't hold up without some affection.
If it was you decision to stop physical contact, then you must find a way to work off the anger. You need to do some type of very physical workout that will help to whittle the anger down. Either go to a gym or find a punching bag to hang up at your place and use each day. This is not a joke. I have seen men do this and it helps a lot. The gym would also be good for building up muscles and make your body look good.
Your W knows you very well and you can't hide anger from her. If you hold it in, she can still read you like a book. When doing 180's.....don't cut your mose off to spite your face.....know what I mean?
If you make a decision, then don't pout or sull about it when around her or you've only hurt yourself. Are you still sleeping in your marital bed?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
