Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

Correct. She will.

OK. I'll think more about how to present that.

Yesterday was really a good day (I think). She asked if the kids could stay with me over the previous night. OM had a family emergency and she wanted to be there for him. She returned back to her house late the next day from overnight with him. We had a hair appointments for our daughters so I had to take them. She met us there. We all spent a couple of hours together in the salon. It was really nice. That evening we each took one of our daughters school clothes shopping. She texted me a few times with updates while shopping. At the end of the night we had a fashion show then I went home to my apartment. It was a really nice day. I miss our family so much.

So what should I do?

GL and I may disagree on this. But I think you need to keep pushing forward being able to spend time with her.

The more you back off, that more time she has with him.

I think you need to expect to be shot down here a time or many times. But what other choice do you have? Going dark? Won't work, and OM would love that. Cutting back contact? Again, OM would love that.

Like I said, you'll walk a fine line between white knight and stalker, but you have to do it. Of course, this is all my opinion.

What do you think?

My gut says stay engaged but its hard to know how much. I'm also second guessing myself a lot. Some days I feel strong and in control and others I'm sad, scared and struggling to make it through the day dues to anxiety. Yesterday she was very pleasant, today she seems more distant. Maybe she's just being nice to make sure I help out with the kids school clothes...Ive spent several hundred dollars in the last few days. Maybe she just agreed to stop sleeping over at his house with the kids because she fears I'll make a stink or challenge her parental rights. I have the kids this weekend and I'm already down and hurting because she'll be with this guy for the entire weekend. I dont know how to feel this constant pain without it slowly driving me away from her forever. I fear that we're going to lose our family and I honestly believe that we'll both regret it in 5 years...I know I will. But I feel powerless to do anything and I'm petrified to do the wrong thing.

This is the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life. The toughest challenge with the most at stake. How to keep going?

OMG. I've just looked on my 9 year old daughters facebook page and he has posted on her page asking if she took her medicine. I'm shaking I'm so upset. We are still married. How can she allow someone into the lives of our children in this way? What should I do.

It's like this guy is challenging me for my family. Since I've asked my wfe to work on saving our family he just keeps turning up the heat. I've put a call in to her to discuss his posting and whether or not she thinks this stuff is right?

OK, relax.
Here's my day to give you some insight....my H wants to hang out with ex OW as she is soon leaving town. It bugs me to no end but I have to deal with it as best I can, which is admittedly a struggle. So, I made it clear, you go out with her alone, you're stepping across a line that just hurts too bad for me. You go out with her and some other work folks, I'll deal with it. And if you do plan to go out with her I want to know and I would like if you would come home to us. (It's his night off, he has his own place for now.) He was all pissy about it, called me controlling and at first I said it's about my comfort and then another DBer gave me better....It's a trust issue. I can't stop him from going out with her. I accept this painfully, but I do. I can ask him to not go out with her alone with an explanation of how this hurts me and him coming home to me, means he's not with her and again, builds some trust for me. (When I asked him to come home to me because I then know he's not going home with her he said "I've never gone home with her, why would that start now?" I would still like him next to me.) So I've set my boundaries and tried to be fair at the same time. Not sure I succeeded, but we'll see. I told him honestly, I just want you to not be in a position where you are going to do something with her physically. I know I could have had a BIG stink about him hanging out with her at all, but for me and our situation, it felt wrong to do that.

But I too have that oggly moogly feeling in my gut. But....I'm still breathing. You are too.

Yes, please speak with your wife about it. Ask her to consider your feelings and pretend if things were reversed....I would smack someone who tried to play Mommy to my son in any way shape or form, even on FB. You have NOT given up your place as father and really he needs to respect that. I agree with you, he's out of line and maybe his goal is exactly what you are thinking.

Here is another thing to think about: What right does he have to call that child out like that? Really it's no one's business that your child had to take medicine today....I don't care if he's talking about over the counter cold medicine. I find it personal.

Remember this: During this conversation that absolutely needs to happen be calm. Maybe even say it with a sort of laughing, are you kidding me tone, but not snarky. "Douche bag posted on D9's Facebook page about taking her medicine. I feel he's crossing a line in two ways....first, that's my job that I still haven't resigned from and NEVER will. That's a parent's job, asking that question. And second, I would NEVER ask her that for all of her friends to see to later ask her 'what meds you on?' Am I wrong here?" Get her on your side.

My gut says stay engaged but its hard to know how much. I'm also second guessing myself a lot. Some days I feel strong and in control and others I'm sad, scared and struggling to make it through the day dues to anxiety. Yesterday she was very pleasant, today she seems more distant. Maybe she's just being nice to make sure I help out with the kids school clothes...Ive spent several hundred dollars in the last few days. Maybe she just agreed to stop sleeping over at his house with the kids because she fears I'll make a stink or challenge her parental rights. I have the kids this weekend and I'm already down and hurting because she'll be with this guy for the entire weekend. I dont know how to feel this constant pain without it slowly driving me away from her forever. I fear that we're going to lose our family and I honestly believe that we'll both regret it in 5 years...I know I will. But I feel powerless to do anything and I'm petrified to do the wrong thing.

This is the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life. The toughest challenge with the most at stake. How to keep going?

You, like me, will second guess yourself until we both hear those words in some fashion "I love you and you are my spouse" from our spouses. (I bet my husband says Wife and your wife says Husband.... )

This is really really hard crap. I still have my down days, like today, becasue as much as we know we can't react, we do. Their crap is much to deal with and it takes a toll and sometimes, you just want to scream.

You keep going because you have to. You keep going because you might just win. In my 34 years, I quit one thing....basketball and oddly enough, at 34, I will say it's on my list of regrets. I quit high school basketball. Who cares? Me. Not sure why, but I do and wish I hadn't. I even had good reasons....still wish....So if that's how I feel about high school basketball, and this is my marriage....duh, keep fighting.

This may help you get into a mind set to stay confident. How would you act if you knew she would be home in 200 days if you were her white knight, prince charming with a few warts, but well hidden? 150 days? 80 Days? Whatever, but she would be home? How would you act? What would you do?

What's your game plan?

I agree you can't come on too strong to be seen as overbearing, but you can put some thoughts into her head. And let him turn up the heat. Force his hand into that....do you think that's going to go over well? Of course not, she's confused....yeah she might really really like him. But she probably still has feelings for the father of her child too. He comes on too strong, it could do damage.

Instead of you being in a panic, send him into one. The more he pressures her to divorce, the more it will annoy her. That is a decision every person knows they have to make for themselves without anyone influencing them. To be badgered by someone about it will not go over well.

Stay calm and in control. Very sexy.

The medicine was antibiotics for strep. She didn't want to take the medicine this weekend so apparently his question was a joke.

We are going to discuss by phone later. She wouldn't agree to meet me for coffee to discuss. Said she had too much going on.

I guess I just dont know for sure how to ask her to keep this guy out of my children's lives. She claims, hesitantly, that she thinks its OK.

Everything I read says don't introduce new partner until way after divorce and only when you know they'll be around for the long-term. Couple that with the fact that most relationships in the first year after divorce (and we're still married) don't succeed and that's good reason to not expose the children. But telling her that, and I have, just seems to make her angry. Maybe she thinks its all about me again...what I want, my terms, my schedule.