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Aww...ms. jen know just how you feel. My h comes over and fixes things around the house and it's almost like old times...then the reality sets in and I don't hear from him for a week or so. You've been at this a year, me only 3 months.

H 42
Me 47
No kids
Married 20 yrs.
bomb 5/09

The last couple of 'bombs' were emotional, angry ones and the snub time afterwards consisted of the silent treatment and avoidance and lasted 1 week or less.

This time is different... and sadder I think, because there seems to be a quiet dispassionate resignation on his end. Not so much anger, not so much passion, more apathy. I've not reached out this time, physically or emotionally, but am working on GAL while being friendly and civil but not overly so. This time is longer too- it's going on 3 weeks since he told me he'd like me out of the house. [I know that's WAY less than 3 years and maybe I just need to chill]

I'm wondering if he will ever reach out. I'm wondering if this is what it will be. And I'm wondering what I'll do if it is.

And of course underneath it all I am wondering if I really AM responsible for our "worthless" kids and "mistake" marriage.

Yep, I feel like if I had done things differently in our marriage he would still be here with me..instead of with OW.

I got a massage today- first one but won't be the last. It was nice to have SOMEONE touch me, which sounds weird but is true.
She said I was very tense in my upper shoulders. Ya think?!

And my house is getting cleaned at this moment, and not by me.

I saw my Love Dare book last night and started getting confused tho... do I reach out or do I wait for him to? Well I have every other time and it's gotten me nowhere, so I suppose I'll try not this time.

If you are questioning, it may not be the time for the Love Dare. But you can still practice the ideas in it without doing all of the actions.

There comes a point where we have to just go on and trust that they will do what they need to. Believe it or not, they all reach out. Then they pull away, then out again, then back. Like a yo-yo. Civil is nice and most days that is what I go for. But I initiate almost nothing anymore. Not even the words goodnight. I am always inviting though. Door open to room, always welcome to come in, plenty of food if you are hungry, etc... And I am very clear if I'm not in the mood to deal with him. He doesn't always understand but neither do I. LOL

Sh!t. D16 was fighting in cafeteria this AM and he's suspended 3 days out of school and 2 days in and he's got a disorderly conduct charge. Again. He's still in his 6 mo probation from the last time he did this. Sh!t.

Someone had to come get S16 from HS so he called me but I wasnt in my ofc so he had to call dad. When I got the message I called H and he'd just gotten the call. H asked if we could both go to school, so I met him there. We listened to what happened and brought the twit home, then I worked from home and H went to work.

H and I really need to talk about how to deal with S16, but it's kinda awkward since we're not talking. There is SO MUCH unsaid at my house. It is not a nice place to be. I am so bad at detaching- I get it but can't do it.

I have this recurring fantasy that I drive to work and just keep going and leave the 2 of them to themselves- I just dont have the emotional energy to deal with either of them. I am not looking forward to this weekend.

And I sound like a whiney baby which I hate. Aagh!

Are we done yet? This is ridiculous. How can it get any better without us talking? There's no sense sharing a house if we're not sharing our lives. Some friends invited us out to dinner with them and he didn't want to go. We're not even co-parenting, since we're not talking. Yet i should continue to wait - or not, as many of you say, as I should be GAL of my own.

I went out this afternoon, didn't say where just that I was going out to do some things and he said oooh kay, have a good day then. I said see ya later. I was only out a couple hours, got my nails done and went grocery shopping then came home.

I'm still doing things in order to get a reaction, not just bc I want to do them. I suppose I haven't gotten far in GALing

Jen,
Do things that you want to do for yourself. Doing them to get a reaction from him will not work. Why? Because he knows you only too well. When in mlc, they have this sixth sense that tells them when we are truly doing things for ourselves and any changes we make should be real and keepers.

I know that you are frustrated w/him, but he's useless right now. He can't assist you in anything that you need assistance with. Co-parenting? Out the window because he's a teenager himself (in his mind). Being a husband? Out the window because he's a teenager once again and has the maturity of a 15 year old.

Right now, you are the adult and will have to be the parent to your children. As for the adult/child....leave him be....he can't help himself, therefore he can't help you. It's very frustrating, but you will need to treat him like a roommate right now. His interests are elswhere, just like his real "adult" age...gone for a while.

BTW, you can't share lives, experiences, etc. right now because you are an adult and he's back in time to the age of 15. There is a "generation gap", so to speak. He's on an entirely different time warp then you are. He's into the "me" generation and you are trying to be an adult here. When they are singing the "me" song, there's nothing you can do but live your life and try to take care of things on your own. You cannot rely on him for anything.

Please take care of yourself.

Jen,

I agree with Snodderly wholeheartedly. What will confuse you is the occasional "pop out" of the adult part of H. But it doesn't last long. It is hard to try to co-parent. I do keep H informed of what is occuring with S, but I don't expect him to do, say, or act like his parent. My S says his dad is not mature right now, is not there for him like a parent, but that he knows I am. That is what you have to let it be. Your kids are teens. They can have an understanding of this, although it is still difficult for them.

So right now you have 3 teenagers. Only two of them can you possibly influence. But THEY are the ones you should be concerning yourself with.

Have a good day.

Thank God for the support of others- cat and snodderly and others online, and friends and family offline.

When I was meeting the asst principal at HS D18 called my office to whine about her computer that has a virus. My good friend and co-worker answered my phone [something she rarely does] and told D18 to deal with it, I had other things going on. Great! Then later in the day D18 called S16 [on the house phone since his cell is unavailable to him] and chewed him out.

I'd texted my friend C to tell her what was going on and Sat am she called to say they were splitting logs and could use S16's help. Got him out of the house to do hard labor and she chewed him out a little too.

When they were done I told H I was busy could he go get S16 so he did, and H heard what a good worker S16 is [see he is NOT a worthless son] and H interacted with adults- and got out of the house which was time I could have.

They came home, and the dad of the boy we carpool to HS with came over and S16 came down to shake his hand. The dad said jokingly I don't know if I can let him hang out with you anymore and then told H that he's a good kid and sometimes they get into situations... which was good bc H doesn't hear/believe it when I say things like that.

It was great. Others stepped in and said stuff so I didn't have to, and took both boys away for a time so I could have some space.

H and I went to Lowes and for a minute I so missed the adult. We had a civil evening, I went for a run, and we went to bed. I didn't even cry when he perched on his side of the bed.

I'm trying to look at this like a movie... what will H do next?