Surreal, funny story. When I was served at the end of August, H was here. He was laying in my lap watching TV with me. There's a knock on the door. He sits up and looks at me. We both know who it is. I go answer the door. I get the papers. (The kid delivering them had to be in high school and he had a night stick. Seriously. Apparently, I've learned, they get attacked because they are literally the bearer of bad news!) I read them. Huge mistake in the papers. In the meantime, H has gone into S's room to hide I guess. I read them, point out the mistake, H says "I'll get it taken care of." I get out the ironing board and iron his clothes (and mine) while watching Family Guy and say nothing else about it....like it never happened. H had no idea what to do or say. He finally says "Are you ok?" I said "Yes....what do you want me to do with these papers?" He said "I don't know." I asked after a bit "Why did you file?" He said after a long pause "I don't know." And truthfully some days he does know, and it's because he thinks he wants out. Other days, he's completely confused.
Some of the stories on this board are unbelievable. I didn't think anyone's life could be as twisted as mine, but I see so many similiar situations. It's crazy!
FYI, my H is similar. He moved out months ago and now wants me to sign legal separation papers solidifying that we have been legally separated since his move out date. My first reaction was no way - I didn't want him to move out. But if I don't negotiate legal separation, he'll go straight to divorce.
And once I agreed to talk about the legal separation (maturely, calmly, with as little emotion as possible) he started coming around a lot more. Then he was more open and available to me. And he is putting in the agreement a commitment to MC. I can't figure out the craziness either. I figure it's a protective measure to cover himself "in case" - then he feels safer opening up? But no, you are not alone!
Well, last night turned out to be a complete disaster. We started off haveing a great evening with the kids, had a few beers then got the kids to sleep. Since it seems to be easier to reach my wife via txt, i thought it woudl fun to txt across the room. she actually flirted with me for a little while, then completely shut it down. At which point i decided to go to bed and she got mad. We then, unfortunately, got into the D discussion. She had a notebook on our living room table for two days in which she had written several of her D requests (alimony, child support etcc...) I told her they were not going to fly because i had spoken to several Ls and she went nuts. She got extremely mad that i had even opend the notebook (which had been there for my kids to read had they wanted - in fact it is probably still there) Anyway the coversation descended into her stating that the we were getting D and that the only time she would think of reconciliation was after seeing the personal changes i have made stick for three years. Whats that about?
I guess this is the time when you realize that what you had is dead. completely dead.
Coach, I know you have been down this path,what should i expect to happen when she finally does file? How do i try to keep it together from there or, at that point is it over?
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
So today has been ok. No mention of anything. We have been civil to eachother but not much else. I noticed she wore her wedding ring and band today - a little odd since she hasnt done that in over 12 weeks. Especially after last nights blow up. Since I work from home, I am trying to figure out a place to go work for the next few days. MAybe Starbucks or a mCDonalds.. Someplace out of the house where there are people. I have been thinking that would be a good idea. MAybe even a college library or something like that. Just to get of the house and not be around to risk any R or D discussions. I am tense that this week she will pull the R.I.P. cord on a divorce, but I really have no clue how the whole process works in our state so I dont know if she will or wont. She seems dead set on it, but perhaps once she gets into it, she will back off.
I have been working through detaching and preapring for that event. I know if it comes it wont be easy, but I will be able to pull through - One Day at A Time.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
Hey there, friend of GIMA. I'm Coach's WAW. Coach told me I should read your posts and give you my perspective. A couple of questions: Is there a OM? You mentioned it in your first post but I haven't seen anything since. What's up with that?
Next, it sounds like she is calling a lot of shots and you are wringing your hands about it. New rule: she calls shots for herself and you call shots for yourself. No, right now, they will not be compatible. That is b/c she wants out (with as little adversity as possible) and you want to keep your family together (and you seem a little skittish about making her mad while you do that). Do not go along with her plan to break up your family. This will make her very mad at you. So what? A man stands up for what he believes is right, no matter who doesn't like it. Put her on notice that this is the kind of man you are.
Stop flirting with her. Those little text messages are not gaining any ground for you. Stop it. In fact, you only speak when spoken to...and then, only if you are answering a question.
If she has taken legal action, you go out and find a bulldog lawyer who will guard the legal gates for you.
Do not leave the family home. If it is soooooo bad living with you, she'll leave. You stay put, though. Make her own her conviction that living with you is not what she wants.
Shell, she may leave. The thing for you to do is sit up and take notice of what SHE SEES about your M. I left. Here's what Coach did in a nutshell (little bitty nutshell): I filed - he got the meanest, scariest lawyer in the city to counter. He wouldn't leave the house, so I did. He listened to what I told him about how unfulfilling and disconnected our M felt to me - and he got BUSY working on himself - GAL, taking care of himself b/c it is good for him, exploring my laundry list of grievances and validating what he saw as problematic, too. He did not give me one inch. He didn't rescue me. He mostly left me alone unless we had to deal with our children. And when I did see him, he was FAB. Looked great, smelled great, new clothes, smile, in control, not fretting, not flirting - like he could take me or leave me.
He made me stop. And think. And ask myself just one more time. Are you sure this ship is sunk? He showed me enough of his good work that I made my way home. Still glad I did, btw.
Shell, you are going to have to be tough with her. And tough with yourself, too. You won't be able to flirt her back into the fold. This is a tough love moment. And if there is a OM, you will have to get 2x as tough.
Cheers. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
New rule: she calls shots for herself and you call shots for yourself. No, right now, they will not be compatible. Do not go along with her plan to break up your family. This will make her very mad at you. So what? A man stands up for what he believes is right, no matter who doesn't like it. Put her on notice that this is the kind of man you are. If she has taken legal action, you go out and find a bulldog lawyer who will guard the legal gates for you.
Wow! What great advice!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Greek, this is unreal advice. I start implementing first thing in the morning. Check back, because I may have questions. I am particualry concerned about the bulldog lawyer. I have one of those availabel should i need it. I am afraid he will only want to go after the OM side of things and I dont wantto do that at this point. The OM issue is tricky for me. I know that there were inapprpriate txtxs and voice calls to this OM. I have copies of several of them. Infact today i noticed on her IE history that she was looking at his pics. Problem is that 14 years ago, I had an A and she waited me out. It was unreal but she did it. So my tolerance level is slighlty above the average joe.
What i dont know is if this has gone to an EA or PA. I have no absolute proof. I must double the effort. I am also trying not to snoop, but maybe that is the right thing to do???
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
