Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers thoughts about WAS

I just feel so discouraged that i even went and got divorce papers and had my wife sign them today.
She was balling, but she still signed them.

I guess part of me wanted her to take those papers and rip them up in front of me and tell me that we will work on things. But that didn't happen.

She signed them. I got out of the car and left.

I feel so hopeless.
I feel so weak. I called her and told her i was sorry i acted like an ass but i didn't want to say anything cuz i was so torn up about this.

IN my case, i am my own worst enemy. I can't accept that i messed up the relationship by being selfish and lazy and irresponsible.

Even though my wife says she wants to work on the relationship, she moved out, got her own place, took off her ring etc. She does not want me to move in any time soon, but wants to have a family night and a date night. She says she needs space.

That is why i wrote what i wrote.

Well, I started writing on this site thinking that I would soon be LBS. H had brought home an app. for an apt and left it out for me to see.

FF 2 months and now I am considering being WAW.

I guess that means that I believe that either both spouses are unhappy or that one spouse is in complete denial.

UD~ What you did to your W today- was that to call her bluff? I do not understand why any of us still play those little games with our M or any important R in our lives. Are we all so fragile that we have to resort to such juvenile tactics?

That is the way I feel sometimes. Like, Oh come on, I am worthy of more than this. This nonsense is ridiculous.
Why would I continue to try and love someone that keeps spewing out how they do not love me. I respect myself enough to feel like I will not put up with it forever. Meaning I will try for several more years, as long as he remains in the house. But eventually you realize that you are fighting for a person not worth fighting for. That it's not even worth it. I mean after a while you think- exactly what are they bringing to the table that makes them so great.

I wonder if many people here work so hard at it for the kid's sake. I mean that's my top priority. I wonder if kids were not in the picture if people would not DB at all or DB for a shorter time only and then give up.

There's a lot of truth to this. The first time around I went through this for two yrs mostly for my daughter's sake. Don't regret it because I walked away knowing I did what I could to keep her family together. This time is different. While I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet, I will not sit around for 6 months or a year pining away for someone who doesn't want me. I've got too much to offer someone else.

You have so much to be thankful for. She is telling you exactly what she wants and you throw D papers under her nose. You are not listening. You have a great chance to make this work.

"Learned Optimism" - Martin Seligman will help you.

Make a list of all you are grateful for.

You have a choice in how you handle this. Choose wisely.

Cheers

In my sitch, I know I'm guilty of letting the humdrum everyday life/concerns get in the way of real communication. We fell into a pattern of not really talking about anything but household/child concerns and we lost the connection. We each did our own thing--usually sitting in front of separate computers playing games, reading news, etc. But I have to say, he's just as guilty of letting this happen as I am.

I woke up when the EA started and I realized that this other woman was getting to know my H better than I did. He was sharing ideas & plans for the future that I knew nothing about. She's out of the picture (at least for now), but he's still not interested in communicating with me on the same level he was with her. Hopefully it's not too late to re-establish a connection.

I still feel his only complaint about me is unfair. He said that he resents that I graduated from college 9 years ago and wracked up student loans that we'll be paying on for 20 years and I'm not working in a job that uses my degree. That complaint has validity and I often mentally beat myself up for getting into this situation, but he was there all along. I did not make these decisions on my own. I consulted him and he told me he agreed with every decision I made that led up to this situation.

The job I'm working now pays at least as much as I would be making in a field using my degree (social work) and has much better benefits--so logically it makes sense that I keep it. Had I known I would end up here, I wouldn't have spent the time/money on college, but I was into my last semester when I got the job that led to this one.

So to me, it looks like he resents me for believing his words and not being able to read his mind. I've been told that this is something he came up with so he could make me the "bad guy" who used him and justify his EA. I'm not sure I agree with that.

I think it has to do with his resentment of himself. He's the one who had a GI Bill to go to college, but didn't want to use it, no matter how much I tried to convince him that he should. He said he didn't know what he wanted to do, so I said he should at least get basics out of the way. He argued that he just couldn't stand sitting in a classroom. So now his GI Bill has expired and suddenly he's unhappy with his career path and he wants to go back to school. Of course, I can't say any of this to him without making things worse, can I...

I think that DB is a very valuable tool for those of us (most) who found ourselves here after our spouse told us that they are absolutely through with the marriage. Think about that, one has totally quit on the relationship and we as the LBS's come here for the answers to get them back. Then we complain that these techniques do not work fast enough or not at all.

I too came here and got depressed with all of the bad news that I constantly read. But I then listened to those that were having or had success and followed their advice that related to DB'ing to a T. I now attribute my success with this forum, without it, I am 95% sure I would be divorced right now.

I come here and post occessionally for two reasons...

1. Reading here reminds me how quickly a relationship can go south, and to continually work on myself and my marriage.

2. To give those like the OP hope that no matter how bad you think it is, there is always hope, because if I can do it, anyone can.

Burt

Damn coach! That was a hell of a 2x4.

You are right. WTF am i thinking?
I feel useless when im not around her, but when im with her i feel i can handle anything.

I really hope those papers don't come back and bite my butt.
i really stepped in it this time.

thanks for your input coach.

UD~ I hope this means you will hold onto those papers instead of turning them in to the lawyer and tell your W that you have decided you acted out of line and that you want to work on your R too! GOod luck to you!

BIM

Not only did i hold on to the papers, i shredded them. However I believe the damage was done. THe wife feels like signing the papers was a monumental sign that things are broken beyond repair.

The strange part is that she doesn't want to be married but she wants to be together not married....weird. Its like the institution of marriage is whats wrong in her mind. what does that mean?

Yesterday before I left, I kissed her. She melted in my arms and told me that she didn't anticipate the power of that kiss.

Later she wrote me an email stating that again and that right now, she feels like divorce is inevitable. That she wants to be with me out of fear, loneliness and love. BUt she also goes on to say that what i did this weekend was the most romantic thing i have ever done (i showed up at her door step with 1 rose and some artichokes - her fav food- and wrote in chalk on our deck never give up loving so that she can see it from her bedroom window.

While i feel that sometimes, she thinks its over, other times she sees hope.

Is it over?