Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I am scared that I messed up...

Thanks Sandi,

I have read many of your posts on other's threads. I am thankful you stopped by mine with your input.

I can become that man again. I am on track to becoming that man again and better...

I have lost close to 20lbs over that last several weeks, 10 lbs are mostly likely do to stress. But each morning I get up and work out.

Keep this up - it will be your only hope. At some point your motivation will slowly transition. Initially we do these things partially to get our W back, but eventually we are just doing it for ourself.

You are starting a long, tough journey. Only through your own work on yourself will you end up in a better place at the end of the trip - with our without your W.

All of us want to 'fix' things so badly, but we can't. I would leave her alone as much as you can and just act like 'that guy' you described above and avoid getting sucked into R talks. It is hard - I have struggled with this a LOT over the past six months, but I know what needs to be done and have learned the hard way. I am not sure MC is the right thing - it sounds like you are in the situation I was a little over a year ago, when my W first told me she wasn't happy at all and we tried MC but she wasn't putting an effort it. She used the 'failure' of MC I think to justify to herself that the M was over and then got involved in an EA.

Be careful and also be on the lookout for OM. I am not trying to alarm you, but you need to know if that is a factor because if it is you have a different set of problems. In the end you still need to work on yourself and improve, but you have an added burden of establishing boundaries related to OM, etc. if that is a factor.

Thanks Trying..

I did ask her weeks ago if there was an OM and she said that she would never get involved with OM while still married to me, even with our problems. If I still know a little about her, I can believe this about her.

The woman she is today is not the woman you have known all these years. She has changed. She is different and she is extremely unhappy. It is a giant step for the LBH to come to terms with that reality, but he must do that in order to be successful in his DBing. A lot of harsh things are said about WAW's, but as Michelle points out in her article, they have put up with a lot for a long time and finally they shut down and feel they have nothing else to give. Few LBH's are the perfect S or their W would not be ready to walk away.

Your W is very vulnerable for an EA. Of course she is going to deny it! Even if she's never lied to you before, she probably isn't going to just come out and tell you about another man. Most WAW's in an A have to be caught before they tell. If she is emotionally involved with another man, you will more than likely have to discover it on your on, but don't keep questioning her about it. I hope she isn't, but just brace yourself b/c many, many LBH's have said the very words you've spoken....only to find out differently.

I was one of those LBH's like Sandi mentions that said my W would never get involved with OM - I was wrong. I had to catch her as well. By then I already was sure it was happening based upon her behavior, but I lost precious time by waiting until this point to take action. She started the EA right when I lost my job so I was kind of distracted for a month or so while I searched for a new one, during the holidays no less. By the time I caught her the EA had been going on for over 3 months, but I had clear signs in front of me very early on (within the first month of EA).

Be paranoid but don't drive yourself crazy - you will have to figure it out on your own if it is happening, just like Sandi says - WAW will never 'admit' she is doing something like this, and if it is an EA they will even convince themselves that they are doing nothing wrong because it is just 'talking', but these relationships can be devasating to your M.

Just watch for things:

Does she hide her phone from you?
Does she delete call histories or text messages?
Is she spending time away from the home more than usual?
Does she seem to be very protective of her privacy - more than in the past?
Does she work more than usual or have her social patterns changed?
Can you account for her time away from home or does it seem like it takes a lot longer to do certain things than it should, like go to the store?

Warning signs like this were right in front of me but I stayed in a denial state. I also hope she isn't involved with OM, but be prepared and wary. I would almost assume she is until you can't find anything to prove it.

Did anything I posted to you suggest that you shouldn't?

And I agree with the last post on watching for changes in behavior.

FIB

How are you doing today?

Hope you will continue to post, b/c it will help.

Thanks for checking in with me Sandi. I will try and post. I am not very good at sharing my feelings, although I am starting to get better at it.

Things have been okay. I had my first session with my IC, our MC suggested we both go see an IC as well. My W was supposed to have her session with her IC today but was home sick.

I am working on myself, making improvements, taking one day at a time.

The one thing I can't practice right now if I am DBing is the big thing that lead to this situation and that is my lack of intimacy. For the most part, my W needed me to talk to her, touch her, hold her and I didn't, even though I wanted deep down.

How do I show her that I can do this, without pursuing?

Question for everyone...For the last two month my W has put all the blame on me, she keeps reminding me of my faults. I know that I have made my share of mistakes in our relationship but it does take 2 to tango.

She has not once taken any responsibility for what has happened. I know we are not supposed to talk about the R. However, should I not point out to her how she has hurt me over the years so that she too can see that I am not the only person at fault?

What do I do?

Listen to what she says. Do not argue or push back - this is not the time to defend youself. Say something like, "I understand what you're telling me" - acknowledge it.

You're not going to get anywhere by arguing or discounting what she says.