I'm all for more action and less talk. At the same time, if you really have gotten to a new place with new boundaries that you intend to enforce, then that info should be shared with W, she isn't a mind reader.
So, my advice would be to:
(1) First act. Act on your new choices. Settle into them. Become sure of them. Be at peace with them.
(2) Then communicate. Once you know that you aren't going to be swinging wildly, that you are firmly on the path to individuation and getting away from the over-enmeshment/emotional neediness, then communicate with W.
(1) You aren't done, so forget that scenario until you mean it. When the time comes to separate, you will know, and it won't be a team sport. Enough with the idle threats.
(2) Quit trying to tell W what to do. Simply report where you are. You have decided that you will have a passionate R in your life, you hope that R turns out to be your M with her. But for sure, long term, you are not going to live without that kind of important connection in your life. Enuf said. But don't say it until you know that you mean it, and until you feel quite settled with it.
Really Quick here... I got home when W was out picking up son from school (7.5hour drive for me). So I grabbed some breath mints and a beer from the fridge and sat on the porch and waited. When they got home I put down the beer and popped the breath mints. I walked over to her van and when she got out I gave her a big hug and a longer than a peck kiss and said "I missed you" she hugged me back. Then my son came over and gave me a hug. For the rest of the evening I constantly made body contact with wife. At one point during a hug I asked her if she missed me and she said yes. At bed time I noticed her shoes were by OUR bed which means she had been sleeping there. I went to bed and thought maybe???? BUT I woke up later and she was not there. From that time on I had bad dreams about her and the OM. Funny thing is I had not dreamed about that in a long time, Anyway in the morning I was up first and when W came in and said morning... I said morning back to her and said..”I thought you were back in our room”…. she said “not yet”. In a pleasant voice………. Later this morning she came out when I was working in the garage and made some small talk. It seems like the air is not so think between us right now. Am I fooling myself? I don’t know but I am just going to keep on doing what I am doing. I am not going to wait for her to kiss me good by when I leave I am going give her a kiss.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
No need to rush, time is on your side. Not only that, the more you wait, sink and settle into yourself, the more the clarity will come. All the focus is on your relationships and how you have made choices in the past relative to partners. Self scrutiny is high but so is careful analysis about what you need and what you thought another could give you. You are turning a critical corner involving love, one that hopefully leaves a load of painful patterns behind. It is a corner that offers new ways to be in love and with love. This equals minimizing attachment and making choices out of desire versus need. New hope rises with the Sun as others show some impressive signs of growth. It looks like you have a choice to make.
Give it a wee bit more time. By my next forecast you can make your move.
Kalni, Thanks...I do feel a little like there is that white elephant still in the room that nobody wants to acknowledge but..... YES things are better. It does feel like the air is not so think anymore. I have been showing more affection and as of now W returns my kisses. I even a few times did NOT lean in to her for the kiss and she leaned in to ME... I still bothers me though that she has a "fear" of moving back into our room and becoming intimate. Tomorrow she set up an appointment with our credit union to help me set up an investment with my 401K like hers. We are planning on going to lunch after. So here is the question of the day.... Should I just keep on doing what I am doing and see what happens... or should I come right out and ask her what her fear of moving back into our room is. AND if she says she would but does not want to become intimate... should I settle for that right now hopping that it will just keep getting better and maybe someday?
“All the focus is on your relationships and how you have made choices in the past relative to partners.”Choices I have made… Only God (and you guys) really knows what I have done and what I could have done and sometimes wanted to do. I mentioned to my buddy up in Washington that part of the reason I wanted to come up was to settle something with a person up here but I changed my mind. The first things he asked was “Did you meet her on the internet?” I said no it not a woman... His next Question was “Are you Gay?” NO I told him. The guy was someone who did me wrong and I thought I wanted to get back at him but now I just want to forget him. He then asked if this guy came between me and my wife and if so “Lets go get him” He said we can pick up a few of his buddies and do some damage to him.. I told him no lets just drop it... WOW you got to be careful what you wish for... I realized I did not have to expose the affair to his family... I could have put him in the hospital….My Buddy does not mess around... BTW his family intervention with his boys went well. Ok got to load my NEW dump trailer my uncle bought me... I have a load of wood to deliver…Oh one more thing…. MIL started crying when I went over her house when I got back. She missed me so much... go figure...she came over our house for BBQ salmon last night. When wife was taking her home I helped her out into the car and gave her a hug. Without thinking I said.” Now you two ladies go straight home and don’t go cursing around and pick up guys… My MIL said….”she better not I will disown her”…
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Shut up Doc! No more R Talk for a while. Do your own thing while being plesant and let W work on things. If you constantly pursue( by bringing R up) she is going to run. Doing what you are doing now seems to be working if she is leaning into you.
Would you please let go of OM!!!!!!!! you are still obbsessing I feel.It is over so try to move on from that.
I just wish my H would stop bringing up R(ow) talk sometimes but, I also feel that when this stuff happens is when he tends to work a little on himself otherwise he just tries to bury it.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
No more R talk for now.. thanks...I Really do think that wife has writtn off the OM. AND I HAVE let go even if it does not sound like it. NO more talk about him. Can't wait for W and my "Lunch date" today..
Later Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
