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Thanks BJ,
I think my wife is making me posture to file for D. She is acting secretive again going into the computer room and hiding her phone and putting it in her crotch, typing quickly and turning It over. Well this mutt of the other man will get his. He has messed with the wrong Italian.
She is dillusional if she thinks she is getting help from me. I was considering being nice and do some nice things but I can't trust her one iota.
The problem with getting D in my sit is the cost of doing it. The first one that files pays a majority of the costs. That is a big prob for both of us.
This is just pushing me to legally remove her from the house until the D is over and take custody of the kids. At one point in this I was totally against it but each day I feel that I am getting a clearer picture on my sit and the person I no longer know as my W but this foreign person who I despise for everything she has done to me and my childrens future.
The posts above hit it on the head about the lbh becoming a WaW.

Have you ever thought of reversing things on your W? Why stay the nice guy? Why don't you start acting secretive? Why not get her wheels turning and wondering what's going on with you? As I told another poster, if I had thought my H wanted to be free of me so he could enjoy life more....that would have put a sudden stop on my WAW thinking and made me focus on him instead of me and my EA with OM.

Until your W feels that she has more to lose by leaving (or having an A), then she won't consider the true devastating loss. To a WAW, the grass is greener on the other side until something gets her attention.

Great advice Sandi. The only thing I'll add is there's no reason you can't stay the nice guy AND be secretive. I think that makes it even worse for the WAW, because it seems like you are bothered even less by their silly behavior. You've got more important things going on in your life than worrying about whatever she's doing, and you're certainly not going to be something less than the nice guy you are because of anything she's doing.



As I go through this, I'm realizing more and more that what she says here is 100% correct, and that is the true power available to the LBS. It's only when my W sees me really going away that she starts coming after me, and it's not a conscious reaction. I believe her actual feelings for me are significantly intensified and her feelings for OM are reduced when she fears losing me. When she senses that I'm still there for her, the feelings for me subside and those for OM grow. Quite a bizarre little psychological phenomenon actually!

Jman,

Hey, I've got a grandfather who was 100% Sicilian so I know what you mean. Fortunately I've got a lot of other nationalities in my blood that take the edge off though. It's tough, but you have to find a way to drop the anger. Forget about this knucklehead OM, he is a loser not worth your time. Believe me on this.

Future,

Good points here. I've picked up on a little bit of this phenomenon myself with my W- but it is very faint. Regarding being a nice guy, I don't think you can go wrong with that approach. I'm still alternating between being neutral and being polite and kind with my W.

As for the above = does this work with the men too? I found that the farther away I got from my H, the more he moved away too.

Mine was faint at first too, but as the luster of my W's A wore off, and as the reality of life without me has begun to sink in, it's not faint any more. It takes time. Measure progress in terms of months, not days or weeks.

UGh. I guess that's true. Patience, patience, patience - and distance, detachment, and doing things for one's self.

In the immortal words of Popeye, "I'm no Dr but I know my patience."

Maybe we need to be eating more spinach?????

Coach,

You got that right! Whoever said patience is a virtue must have been a LBS! I'm definitely pushing my patience threshold to entirely new limits with my W and sitch. When I think about my personal growth as a result of my sitch I never cease to be amazed.

It's disappointing to think about, but I don't think my W is going to make it through this without D....even R seems so unlikely at the moment. She is just too screwed up emotionally right now for me to think otherwise. She deserves to have me at my best with my own issues reconciled. But right now I can't think about that kind of stuff. I have other business to attend to, namely my kids and keeping us afloat financially.

Thanks for stopping by!