Today he did about three of the things I put on my list I would like to see him either work on or I would like to see more of.
Other DBers have given ultimatums, for lack of a better word, I am not sure it's the best word in certain circumstances, including mine. But sometimes it's "I will not share my spouse with another person". This time for me it's "I need this now".
Really. That's just where I am. If he can't, then I'm ok. And I'm not saying he has to plan our renewal ceremony, but I need to know something here. I'm done spinning. I'm ready to continue to work on this but WITH HIM no longer alone. (And to his defense, I will say he has made more effort recently than before, but again, then why file?) But I'm tired. And I'm up against a clock here. If he's not going to try and really make an concentrated effort toward us, I understand. Let me go now then.
Why file? Because he is so confused he doesnt know what to do. Because he knows what you want and knows he is not capable of doing it right now. He feels up against a wall and pressured and lost. He is all over the place.
On the one hand, you say, you see him making more of an effort, you see he wants to be with you guys, etc. On the other, you say you want to see him make more of an effort.
It just seems to me that you want him to do what is your vision of trying, your list of things. But maybe, you should just be still and let him figure out how he wants to do this.
Listen, I dont want to keep going round and round with you. I just dont want to see you have even one regret.
I don't know the story - I"m just butting in - I totally get being tired and in panic mode and "WTF" mode. I get wanting to know one way or the other.
But I still think we can only make decisions for ourselves - if he "doesn't know" and if he doesn't withdraw the filing, YOU have to make the decision for YOU. If you have come too far to give up, file for the extention. You can't control if he will withdraw or not. You can only do what you can do to not end things unless YOU are ready to or not. YOU need to decide if you want to let him go or not - not ask him to decide. He won't right now.
Just my two cents, like I said, I don't know your whole story and I could be way off base.
For the last two months things have been better, but then there's the fact he filed.
Before that, everything was pretty much his way as I was doing all I could to lay low and keep my boundaries. I'm done with that now. The self respect has kicked in full force. He's had plenty of time to figure things out and I won't sit in limbo forever nor will I do it for too much longer.
He's been having his cake and eating it too for way too long. And if he thinks this is how it's going to be, then that's my fault, truly and it's time for me to make him understand that it won't be like this. There were times and conversations where I've told him as much but it's hard to say what sinks in and what goes out the other ear.
Keep in mind, I was ok letting things progress, letting him figure things out in his time, then he put us in a position to have a time limit, put us up against a clock. HE DID THIS. So I see no reason why I have to make this decision alone. He wants out, say so. He wants to work on it, say so. And I understand if he said he wanted to work on it....that doesn't mean we are 100% back in the saddle, it means we are still working on things but it could still end in D.
When I found out he filed, to me that meant he was done and I was ready to move forward with it. Then he says he doesn't know what he wants and his actions indicate he is confused. Great, then why bother wasting money to file? Maybe deep down inside he just wants me to end it. Ok, say so. File and act like you want out, don't call or text. Don't see us when you don't have too. As a matter of fact, he never has to see me beyond few minutes when he would have to drop S back off to me.
It's par for the course I guess, it all continues to be confusing and frustrating and honestly, annoying.
I know what I'm going to do as I've always said I would fight this into the ground, so I'll follow through, like I have with my wedding vows for these hellish 9 months. I will file for the extension if he doesn't remove the filing.
In the meantime, per my list, I've made my wishes, hopes and requests quite clear. And so far, so good.
I'm just done wondering what he's going to do next. But yet, here I am again, doing exactly that. It's sucks. I'm sick of it.
And something else to note, I file for an extension, my lawyer is confident it will be granted, we only have a maximum of 90 days. In that time frame, H has to remove the filing. If he doesn't the divorce does move forward. It's a no fault state, eventually, if he keeps it in place, we will be divorced.
I completely understand. In July when he filed, things were going well and then things indeed got better from there. But when he filed, I want to be clear, we were already on a better road. That's why this continues to be very confusing as opposed to things being cleared up.
He told me, his parents are 100% in the loop. I told him that working on things would be difficult if we had outside pressure to go one way or another. He said they were in the know....they were aware of how much time we spend together and that he stays at our place the majority of the week.
Two nights ago, I learn they have no idea. I am reacting to the now. Now he continues to lie to me.
Again guys, I understand what you are saying, but I'm done being lied to. I'm done fighting for this by myself. And while he has made efforts, he's continue to do damage.
I'm tired. He's had it his way for too long. It's my fault. My self respect didn't kick in 100% until recently.
I'm sorry it's gotten to this point, Stronger. I understand a little more the progression of things now. I am with you on wondering why they file when things are going better - it's like they need to have that control - the "just in case" option, or the "do what I want or else" pressure. I often wish I could just walk away and say "Call me when and if you stop this ridiculous plan. If you continue, follow through and good bye". But we love them too much.
I also regret giving him his cake and eating it too. But what else can we do? We have done our best. Now it's time for you. You put your needs out there after a long road of putting his first. You deserve to be acknowledged. I'm all for the self esteem. And resting. I don't think ultimatums are necessarily bad - the LBS needs to say "Sh*t or get off the pot" at some point.
Alright, so we talked today instead of emailing, which I personally hate emailing this crap anyways. He wrote down his side of things as follows:
We will continue the “separation" as it has been since November ‘08 • Stronger will have her time to make sure D is the option • External forces will be left out of the decision making process during this time period • The time period will be from 9/16/09 to 11/07/09 (this is when he has to answer the filing for divorce since he filed in early July) and during this time: o We will continue to care for S as we have been: o H will watch him during Stronger’s tennis o Stronger will watch him during H’s golf o H will care for him until 8pm those nights (flexibility based on work, etc) ** o Stronger will still do the laundry, while H will still continue his household responsibilities, including the lawn, etc. o The bills will continue to be split as they are now NO MORE TALK OF OTHER RELATIONSHIPS OR ENDING THIS ONE WILL BE PERMITTED At the end of this agreement, if divorce is the option, it will be worked out between H and Stronger and then brought to mediation. No further extensions will be forced or asked for The termination will be completed amicably in the best interest of the child During the time period, the separation will continue as it has been….relationship status of H and Stronger is not together.
I kind of think this is crap. But I'm opened to hearing other's opinion.
I won't agree to him being able to bail at 8pm. He'll have to continue to be there over night as S is a night crawler and exhausting Mommy, who is a morning person.
The last bit that we are not together.....not sure how I feel about that. Can we really be working on things but not together? Not exclusive? He said we are dating, but not exclusively. He said he has no interest in anyone else so I said then we should be able to be exclusive, no problem, right? Am I wrong? Truly, I'm asking.
Opinions? Suggestions are welcome too. My initial reaction is screw it, let's divorce. This sounds to me like he wants to divorce but is afraid of what is going to come out during the divorce like his cheating, etc.
