In terms of the "blueprint".....he asked me for space and time. He went on to say if I can't give him the time to figure somethings out, then he would understand and that would be one less thing he'd have to work out as the decision would be made for him.
Did you post this ?
Do you remember this ?
Like I have said, this is HIS path.
Don't stand in the middle blocking HIS walk.
Whether or not it IS what he wants, until HE recends the filing, it is his choice.
Ok so regardless of what he wants, how do you want to respond to the filing? Do you want to agree or contest?
YOU, STRONGER, NOT H
Not sure. I'm still thinking it all through. In my state I do have the following options: Answer with Marital Misconduct. It would be easy to prove. Answer with a request for an extension not to extend 3 months with the express purpose to see about reconciliation. Answer with the request for court ordered counseling as there is a minor child involved and we've yet to go to marriage counseling.
Answer one is my least favorite, but if we do divorce I will answer with such as I don't plan to pay for my lawyer, he can then.
Answer two is where I'm leaning right now.
Answer three isn't a great option because it would be like trapping a bear with a cage made of small twigs and spit. He'd not be much for participating and be just angry I forced him into something he doesn't believe in. But I wish this were the viable option. Counseling for me personally has been a huge part of my changes that I'm really liking. Especially as it relates to my temper.
Some more confusion was put into the situation when I was advised by another DBer that I trust very much and I'm very impressed with to ask H, "What do you want me to do with this filing? How do you want me to answer?" And no matter what his answer was, mine would simply be "ok". We had that talk, it went fabulously frankly as H mentioned removing the filling all together and he's the only one who can.
Before last night, H had told me that his parents, the people he has said pressured him to move forward with the divorce, were now in the loop and knew we were working on things, seeing what we could do, what could happen even in the limited time, hence why I'm leaning toward option two of the extension. When I heard his mother's tone upon learning where he was and then hearing him lie to her, I knew, "They still are completely in the dark....not good."
A while back when he first said he wanted to try, I told him, Great! Then please, everyone needs to be left out of this then. We need to work on this with no pressure from family or friends. On my side, I've only gotten support to work hard and have faith. The closest thing to pressure for me was that I should see a lawyer and be smart.
On his side, he's been flat out told to divorce me.
Not saying I'm better or that my friends and family are better, but I've left my family in the dark for exactly this reason, even before I read DR, I left them as far out of the loop as I could and continue to do so. They know very little of what is going on because they too would tell me to divorce him.
So, option two is where my heart is right now.
H just called. Again, continues to act as if....as if nothing weird is going on, like you know, filing for divorce or lying to family, or what ever other weird-ness is going on.
Yes Boat, he did say that and I posted it. And that conversation happened the week AFTER he filed. And made no mention of filing to me.
Now, STRONGER must answer the filing by the 23rd of this month. I have no choice. I have to answer. This is his doing to put us in this position...to force me and him into a time frame. Ok, great.
But now contrary to what you said, time is NOT on my side. I have to figure things out, I have to answer.
Legally, now I'm obligated, or I leave it alone and stand completely unprotected.
I am now forced into answering within a time frame. How does one get out the way to allow him to walk his path? I feel like I'm being forced to walk the plank.
When asked What do you want me to do with this filing, his answer was I don't know. And that we are dating.
Do I not get any credit that I'm dealing with a whole butt load of "are you kidding me?"
So S, answer the filing for the extension and leave it at that for right now.
Then, get out of the way.
You keep pressuring him with lists and questions and what to tell his parents, whether he wants to end it or not, etc. When you do that and he says he doesnt know, its because = HE DOESNT KNOW!!! By you continuing to ask him, you are forcing him to come up with an answer he might not really be ready to give and you are not really ready to hear.
Sweetie, just live your life, do your thing, let him blow in the wind. He needs to figure this all out, in his own time, in his own way without any noise from anywhere else. Let him.
Ok so you know what you are leaning toward. The extension will give you more time and Boat is still right because life does not end with a divorce.
But since you have no choice but to respond, unless he withdraws, the maybe wait until the last possible minute to give him the opportunity to do so. With no expectation that he will.
I don't really like option 3 either, but they may still order counseling if the judge deems it necessary. However, if you don't ask for it, then you don't have to accept responsibility for forcing it.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Yeah, my lawyer did give me a heads up that judges in this town do that quite often and if that did happen, great, he can't blame me. But truth be told, he'd still be defiant, or so my gut tells me so probably no dice there, but again, he couldn't be mad at me.
Basically folks, he filed. Everything you are saying does make sense except he filed putting a time limit on things, forcing responses and necessary questions.
And for me, if he filed because he really wants out, I'm really ready to let him go now because yes, life does not end with a divorce. I promised my S who doesn't understand what's going on right now and is still very normal with no issues that Mommy was not going to be the one to end this. I will keep that promise, but if Daddy really is ready to walk, then he needs to do it. I'll miss him and I'll be sad but I'm not fighting by myself anymore. I'm just not.
Many times I've read here this is a personal journey where ultimately the final decisions are made by each DBer for their own personal reasons. I'm at the point where I'm not doing this alone. I can see my life without him. I've kept my promise to my S and I've honored my vows. If me telling H to get on board or pull the plug ends in him pulling the plug then so be it. And frankly if he does, I now believe it's not because I told him to make a decision. He was always going to do it.
But I have walked this path a long time and I've met great people and I have true friends who've carried me at times. I'll always be grateful for that and what I've learned through this.
Every DBer has to answer the question: When is enough enough? How much more can I take? This is where I am. Him filing changed everything for me. And not telling me for weeks didn't help.
So why bother even asking him? Why not just answer with Marital Misconduct since he did file and officially be done with it?
Because I have fought hard and long, this is my last ho-rah! And oddly this is not a man who ACTS like he wants divorce. His butt is always around even when he has no reason to be. He still initiates activities as a family and as a couple. He says "I'm going out"....ends up here instead. "I think I'll just go grab some drinks and watch the game without you guys, ok?" Sure. Then he texts me "S has to eat, why don't you come up here?" And etc. The list goes on and on and on.
And as you should not be surprised, the more I pulled away and stopped being the organizer, the more he picked up the slack.
Who knows? Admittedly, really, not me.
I am going to file for the extension. (It's also the cheaper route at this point too. Forgot to mention that.) So what happens in that time, we'll see.
Sweetie, I know that his filing changed things. I do. And I know you have fought this hard.
But what we have been telling you is not for him. I dont really care what the hell happens to him. It is you I care about.
And I see you spinning your wheels giving him a list of things you want to change and all and that is where I am telling you, just stop. Not because of him, because of you. Because he cant give you that right now. He cant.
He is all inside out and upside down. You just said it yourself. He says he wants to go out, he comes over. He wants to work on things, he's not sure. Its because he is a mess.
So, it is for you that I am telling you this. If you need to know what he is going to do regarding the filing - you can ask him that question. It is all the other things that will not get you anywhere right now.
And yes, of course if you pull away, he picks up the slack. And if you ask him if he wants a divorce, he says he doesnt know. If you dont ask him, his actions speak for him. That is why we tell you to let him alone to figure it out himself and walk his journey. And you walk yours.
Listen, if you have had enough, then I support you completely. And I want you to feel satisfied that you did all you could.
