Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy I posted in the newcomers but needed advice

I am hurt. Just hurt. I am lost and I dont know as stubborn as he is if I can ever get him back. I just dont. When he starts talking about me finding another husband it just breaks my heart. I broke down and wrote him a letter. I told him how much I loved him and how I believe in him and how I will fight for this marriage. What do I do? I want to be a family. I want him back but I am so miserable because I cannot get him to budge. It was okay and I really thought I had a shot until Monday..I felt it was his last straw. He told me the marriage was over...just over..that is all. He did not want to fight..although he ended up doing alot of blaming..Last night he was cold and detached for the most part. I screwed up my efforts when he called me out and told me I was being fake. I screwed up when I looked him in the eye and asked him what he did at lunch on his birthday.he smirked...I think I mentioned that "supposed" ow left work at 12 the day of his birthday..I thought she may have went to meet him..i just dont know..or it could just be a game with him..Is it possible that he is pretending there is someone else??? What is this? DO I even have a chance to save this marriage anymore?

I do think you should probably try to DB if you want to save your marriage. Have you read DR yet? I would recommend that highly, if you can't afford it check it out from your library. You shouldn't be begging, pleading, saying ILY, writing notes where you say ILY, none of that.

You need to focus on you. Change what you can change, and you need to detach from the situation. I think you should up your GALing. Running is a good start and exercise is perfect. But try to add in some other activity too that you will enjoy, make friends, take your mind off your situation. When I was starting out I was shy and wimpy, so my GALing was community theatre and martial arts. But there are thousands of GALing opportunities and all would be good for you.

I think you should stop listening or interacting with your H when he is drunk or almost drunk. I think there is just no point, except it seems to hurt you. It might be good for you to attend Al-Anon and get advice from them also.

Karen

Of course you do, but you aren’t listening to anyone on this board or any of the advice they gave you.
So far, you have badgered him. You have accused him. You have told him over and over you love him. How is that working out for you? From all that I’ve read, horribly.
I am being harsh, I know, but you don’t seem to be “hearing” anyone….so I’m not using any sugar coating here, I’m not going to hold back.
STOP TALKING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP. Every time you bring it up, you give him the opportunity to say out loud he wants out in some way or fashion. You give him the opportunity to say to your face why he’s unhappy….as outlandish as it may be, he gets to tell you he’s unhappy. Every time you talk about the R, do you feel better afterward? Nope. So why why why do you keep talking about it?
If he brings it up, stop it. “I want out of this marriage!” You say, “I’m sorry you feel you need to leave the marriage….I know you must be having a hard time.” And stop there.
He takes off his ring….you MUST act as if you didn’t notice.
You have got to stop saying I love you.

Let me ask you this: Do you REALLY think he wants to leave you for a woman with three children? REALLY?
I think that relationship is flourishing, if it is, because of you. Here are his options: Angry fights with you, where you pressure him and make him feel guilty so he then lashes out at you, saying mean things to hurt your feelings. OR, comfortable, relaxing conversations with someone else.
What choice would you make if you were him?
My opinion….does she want your H? Very possible. Does your H really want her? Probably not. But he does want peace and he’s not getting it with you.

And another thing, your GAL list is short. What you have on there is good stuff. What else do you want to add to it?

I agree! After today..I realized that if I want to save my marriage we have to seperate. It is too hard for me to work on my marriage while I am around him..he is going to stay here on the weekends and I am going to live with my parents on the weekends w. the kids..he thinks it is too late for me to change..I say it is never too late..I need my space. I need to show I am serious about this marriage. Today I noticed ow left at 12"45 he did not run today(he runs at lunch) and he said he went to get something to eat..I have to let go of that and I cannot do it while I am here. He needs to figure out if he wants to be with me. I feel confident about this decision. it is best for our family.

He's got a drinking problem and OW, and says it's too late for you to change???? Karen

GOOD!! You have made a step towards starting to change yourself. That is a good start. Remember to stick to it no matter what.

WHat you also may what to think about is getting a councler. If not for your M exactly but for your self! The councler will help you see, understand, and hopefully change your 'aggressive and destructive' ways about how you feel that he may be cheating on you.

I am not saying that it is wrong to have the feelings that you do, I am saying that you are aggressive towards him about your suspisions, and it is destructive to your M. I know this from ewxperience, trust me.

My H cheated on me about 5 years ago before we got married. I thought that I forgave him and could move on but everytime that we had a fight about sex or something similiar, I would throw it in his face what he had done. We ended up seperated for a little bit because I had pushed him away with the constant reminder of what he did and the constant thinking that he would do it again. Granted we ended up married and he found a few other activities (like sex texting and online porn) that he felt he was not actually cheating on me but stretching the issue to 'almost doing it'. His way of thinking has almost destroyed us and we are working on it.

You know what though, I say this advice to you and know that I have to try and live up to it myself, cuz I still do it. I know that it is bad, I know that if I don't stop it then I will basically hand him over to an OW, in my case, again. I go to MC with my H but the MC is also my IC and he has helped me see that I need to stop doing this destructive behavior.

I know this note was long but I wanted you to hear abit of my past so you will know that there is other people out there that have the same destructive behavior that you are having but are getting through it and are saving thier M's because they have set a rule to stop the behavior and are following through with stopping it.

If you can,set down in writing some of the things that you want to change within yourself. Read it everyday to help you remember what it is that you are wanting to change.

What are some goals that you can work on? Make them short term (like I will do this to GAL or do this for a 180) , not long term (like I want to save my M).

coming here was a great start. Now let everyone on here help you. Start listening to the advice the everyone wants to give you. It has certainly helped me.

First, I want to Thank you all for your support and advice. Now..I wish I could take the advice I have been given but I am driven by fear..fear the A which I am pretty sure is going on will end my marriage no matter what changes I make..I want to leave but what if he likes being away from me...what if he like having 0 resposibility and when will he realize that he needs his family and end the A what if he loves her. What if they get married. In my head I feel like she is his wife. Like he has a committment to her and as far as he is concerned the M is over! My chest hurts. I feel empowered at times but other times I feel like a joke. I read the book last night but I feel like no matter what changes I make he is just done. In his mind it is too late. How do I know it is too late? See..the thing about all of this is I KNOW the OW very well. She was my best friend..she saw the birth of our first child. I know what she is capable of and this woman has tried to be me since I first met her. she tried to dress like me and have the same interests as me..she still does. After I found out the first time I said awful things to her..she wants revenge...she always tried to undermind my accomplishment when we were friend..I am afriad my husband will never end this....I am also afraid he will never realize what he had with me, H said he would get his own apartment or rent a room..he has NEVER lived alone..first his father..then his sisters and last me...I fear I am just not good enough for him...and he said this will not affect D or S because they are so young..I say BS! All of this is BS...I just want peace in my life..for 3 years I have been trying to get OW OUT of our lives..again..she has 3 kids and she is very materialistic..so opposite of me AND H...I wish I never would befriended her..after it all happened I even gave her a second chance..This OW has accused her father in law of molesting her daughter,called children services on people..got some woman fired at work because she said she bumped her car..she is not a nice person..and I dont trust her..I dont trust my husband is strong enough to end it..he was not remorseful the first time...I feel so helpless..

So...I wanted to post a little about what I like about myself so those that read this dont think i am some obsessed lunatic..
So..here are my great qualities..I am creative, I paint and draw and am quite crafty. I run, I have run 3 half marathons and dozens of 5K's. I am outdoorsy I love kayaking,canoeing,hiking and camping. I love music and know alot about classical music and all types of music..Usually people describe me as friendly and outgoing..right now not so much..I do have ALOT of great qualilties. I volunteer with local 5k's and I am quite ambitious meaning I am always looking for a way to make things in my life better. I am a good honest person..so that is what I have that she does not. I have good morals and values and was brought up in a good strong family. We had a good education(12 years of catholic schools). I would do anything for anyone and I am always trying to help people. I throw a great party and have made my D birthday invitations every year since she was born. Unfort. i also have anxiety and I am quite obsessive which inhibits me..I am always looking for acceptance and I dont trust myself as much as I should..those are the bad things I have brought into the marriage. I dont think I am good enough for my H. I make him look like a god..and put him on a pedalstool and have for many years..point is..he could care less that he has a woman that loves him more than anything and would always back him up and pick him up when he falls..a wife that is fun,loving and has alot in common with him..and THAT is worth cheating on? that is worth leaving..my nagging has destroyed the marriage..my insecurities have destroyed the marriage but he has not helped me to feel better about myself..he was never afraid of losing me because he knew I would always be there..He has left me many times over the years..he has made himself out to be much better than me and my family over the years..he has put my family down..I have shown nothing but respect to him and his family..why do I love him so much you might be thinking?? because the good times have outweighed the bad..and I never forget that! I have myself convinced he will have this wonderful life when he leaves..happy..secure..non drinking with a cute smart funny and loving wife..one that gives him a great big house and lots of money and all the things he wants in life..

Hi Swimming....
I don't think you are crazy....but I think the crazy you are experiencing is more in your head than anywhere else.
Here is what I am telling you....you want to get rid of her? This is how: STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON THAN HER.
Do you want to know why he goes to her? Because you can't stop bitching. You bitch about her and so much more. Really, who wants to listen to it? Would you? Seriously?
She does not bitch at him. She tells him how great he is and agrees with EVERYTHING he says. He's perfect with her, he's not with you. Guess who he'd rather hang out with and talk to?
Do this: For just one week....only seven days starting NOW, tell him you want a truce. Give him a piece of paper. You need one too. Write down all the things you don't want to talk about anymore because they make you fight. Tell him to do the same thing. Compare lists, modify them if you need to, then put them up somewhere where only two will see them. Make copies of them to keep with each of you. Tell him you are doing this because you don't want to fight anymore. You want calm and peace. You both deserve it.
Once you get past one week....that's the goal, set up the goal again...maybe longer this time. And keep doing it.

When you become the better choice, you won't even have to ASK him to drop her, he just will. And what will happen is he'll notice things are nice at home. She'll call or text and he won't respond because he won't want to because he's having a normal good time with you. Then guess what? She becomes the one getting upset and angry with him, making crazy accusations acting nutty and out of control, whatever. (Not saying you are, but you understand, right?)

This will be a slow slow slow slow process. Hang on but do it stead fast. You can do this. You can change the whole situation by changing YOU.

That is great advice. I read the books and really it made me more anxious...partly because he told me our marriage is over and the book says that there is nothing you can do to change their mind if they say it is over...Last night we had a really good talk..not about the relatioship just about random things..
Stronger- That is great advice! I love when you come by to reassure me that things will be okay! You are a very strong woman and I admire you and your advice. I am def. in crisis. Yesterday. I was just myself. Maybe if he sees that I am strong and independant he will start to get scared. I dont know. I just hope that this can work. I hope he sees what I have and she does not. I hope that he sees how much he has to lose. I am just very afraid and nervous that they are in love! That is a HUGE obstacle for me to have to hurdle. Any thoughts on that one? Would he still be living with me if it were really over or if they were in love? Even though he took his ring off and sleeps in the basement?