Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again First Piecing Thread

Haven't been by your thread in a while. So happy to hear how things are going. You really deserve it. Hey, and so does she. I'm glad she's found herself a great husband after all!

Hey!!!!!

Sometimes I think this is what keeps me going.

I have practiced thae confrontation recently now the stedfast loving patients.

Glad to see things going well for you Hope

JAK

Hey guys. Thought I'd throw out an update. Haven't had ANY time to get on as work has been crazy busy, but I'm not complaining.

Things at home are still good, but I find myself in a weird place. Like things are going good, so what's going to go wrong.

I'm still getting "I love you's" on a regular basis. We ML on a regular basis and W has even gone outside her comfort zone a couple times, re: sexy text messages, things like that.

But it all still makes me nervous. I don't know. Nothing she's done, but stupid little things. Like the other day we had lunch together and a guy from her office was in the same sub shop and W waved to him when he walked out. Not a big deal, right? But this morning I had a nasty dream about W and this guy and it's been bugging me all day.

Sometimes I just wonder if W really gets it. We were watching the news last night and they were talking about Letterman's confession and when he said "when you've hurt someone you love like I have.....I have a lot of work to do", W didn't say anything. I don't know if I was expecting her to say "I'm sorry" again and tell me she'll do whatever I need her to do to heal or what, but it's just things like that that have been bugging me.

And a week ago we were out for dinner and the John Edwards thing came up where some emails came out that he told his Affair partner that she just needed to wait until his wife died and then they'd be together and I think W understands just how messed up A's are, but when we started to discuss a bit she said "can we just not talk about this?"

Again, talking about those things are what I need, to heal, to understand, to KNOW she gets it, but she still avoids. Because if I don't truly KNOW she gets it and understands just what her betrayal has done, how do I know it won't happen again?

I'm assuming its just normal stuff that all LBS's have to deal with, but it sure would be nice if I'd get some understanding and some help with what I'm dealing with.

Ok, I'll stop complaining. I'm sure there are a 1000 people on this board that would kill to be were we are, but it still doesn't make it any easier.

Ok, need to run. W and I are going on a date tonight. I've offered to give her a massage tonight and she told me she'd let me know if she was in the mood or not. Here's to hoping she is as we all know where those massages lead to!

Talk to ya soon.

Hope4,

I hear ya buddy..

"Again, talking about those things are what I need, to heal, to understand, to KNOW she gets it, but she still avoids. Because if I don't truly KNOW she gets it and understands just what her betrayal has done, how do I know it won't happen again?"

BUT....I think there is a difference between us LBS and the "Other".
AS much as I / WE would LOVE to hear the "I'M Sorry" I think our wives just want to forget about it. I think deep down our W Know what they did was wrong. Deep down I am sure that if they could have a "Do Over" it would not have happened.
I tell ya Bud I used to love the song by Toby Keith "What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico” but now it makes me Mad. I think we are like the kids that were so used to our parents protecting us from the mean outside world. Thinking nothing like that happens to us… to becoming aware that things like this do happen.
Hey dude you are a lot farther along than me so keep up the good work. MAYBE in about 10 years we will be able to talk to our wives about what happened. But for now…..all we can do is Just go with the flow……….

Take care
Doc

In Compassionate Marriage, it describes how usually one person in the R is an Avoidant Personality. That's how your W and mine are. With that said, knowing what you know about that side of her, how can you communicate to her in a way that feels "safe" to her.

Crack that mystery and you'll be able to gain your W's trust back. Once you get that, you'll be able to become intimate again.

Hope,

In the MLC archives there is a thread on page 82 by hearts blessing titled Im'e having problems need help.
It is about this very subject that you are feeling right now. If you read these posts I feel you will gain some insight as to your feelings.

I feel for you as i think we will all be there at one point

Thanks for the comments guys. Only a minute to post so it'll be quick.

We had our date last night but alas, no massage. W wasn't feeling the best when we got home so it was a quiet night at home. We did share some nice conversations, etc and S17 was cracking us up. All in all it was a good night.

And at one point during dinner W said something about a training class at work that the guy I mentioned from the sub shop was leading and I looked her dead in the eye and said he made me nervous and "BE CAREFUL". W knew exactly what I was talking about and she gave me this look like "that'll never happen" and I so wanted to say 'you said that before with OM and look what happened', but I just didn't feel like the time was right, so I let it drop.

Anyway. I'll check out that thread when I get some time JAK. Thanks for the comments Doc. I've been following your sitch when I have time, but don't really have anything to add to the comments you've been getting. Strong, I just might look up that book. I agree that she's the avoider (if that's a word) in the relationship, but still trying to figure out how to get her to feel safe and open up to me like I NEED.

Talk to ya all soon.