Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I am scared that I messed up...

About 2 months ago, my wife told me she felt no spark in our relationship. We talked and she said that she was stressed in regards to money. I have been self employed for 3 years and had not contributed to the family financially for all of those 3 years. We had just enough money to cover daily living with a little left over. However, life is never without surprises so the little left over kept getting spent.

We agreed to look at re-financing the house to provide a little extra cash flow. We also discussed my business and what she viewed as a lack of effort I was putting in. I agreed with her about the lack of effort over several months if not the last year. I would try something to get business in and give up when it did not work right away. I agreed to put in much more effort and not let the rejection get to me and give up so easily.

After this discussion about money and career I asked about us and she said that we should focus on these two areas first and then focus on us. I agreed.

However, several weeks later, we had arranged to re-finance, I was working much harder at the business and was seeing some improvement when she hit me with the Bomb!! "I love you, but I am not in love with you" and she told me at the time that she did not believe that she would ever feel love for me ever again.

I was shocked to hear her say those words, however, I have to admit, I should have saw it coming. For several years of our 11 year marriage we were growing apart slowly. I am someone who hates conflict and will keep my emotions inside if I believe it will create conflict. So for years, I never told her how her complaining, nitpicking and criticism hurt me. I did ask her on several occasions to stop, but she never did.

I believe that over the years I began to withdraw and even stopped loving her as I did when we first married.

And it is my withdrawal and lack of love that she blames for her lost love. She said that she is tired of waiting, tired of telling me I need to make changes and get involved with the family and her and show her I love her. She had on several occasions over the last couple of years asked me to get checked out for depression. I never believed I was depressed.

Over the last couple of weeks we have been talking, and arguing about our fellings and our relationship. I want to try and work things out to find our way back to the time that we both loved each other. She on the other hand keeps telling me that she is tired of trying, she said that "she tried everything", and I never made an effort to work at it until now, when she is done trying.

She has agreed to see a couples therapist, but keeps saying that she does not believe it will help.

I just picked up the book Divorce Remedy and found this forum. I read about the Walk away Wife Syndrome and am amazed that Michele Winer Davis was able to write about my situation in such detail before it even happened.

I am afraid however that I may have been arguing, pushing, pursuing and crying too much over the last several weeks with my wife that maybe I pushed her beyond wanting to even try.

I have an appointment to see my doctor on the same day as our first couples therepy session to discuss the possibility that I am suffering from depression.

I am not sure what to do next.

Welcome to the forum and sorry you need to be here.

I am just as concerned as you, so not sure that I am the right person to give advice. I did manage to save my marriage four years ago, but I am back again.

The one thing that I think is the first step is to take a deep breath (literally) and calm yourself down. I know it seems almost impossible, but it needs to be done. Then you need to forgive yourself for past mistakes and live for today and tomorrow - and live for yourself. You need to make this about you first and then about your marriage. Regardless of the final outcome, if you can become a stronger, better man, than you will have done something very few people bother to do in their lives.

So...focus on the positive things in your life, focus on you, read and learn everything you can about self improvement, relationships, marriage etc and really apply what you learn to your daily life. I am now looking at this whole thing, as my second full time job. That may not work for everyone, but it does for me.

There are some great people here, going through an awful time, but we can all support each other. You will be okay. Maybe even better than ok. Make it your mantra. I WILL BE OKAY - BETTER THAN BEFORE.

ISLMW,

You landed in the right spot given your situation. This forum and the people participating here are a godsend. I'm a bit new to this to offer advice but I can tell you two things. 1) Forget about the things you've done over the last few weeks. They won't make or break you in this, and 2) There is hope. Find comfort in that, hold your head up and stand strong.

You're about to get some support and guidance from some awesome, smart, caring people and you're going to put it to work.

You're in the right place, as said above.

My mother tells me that people say "it takes faith in every footstep" - but in cases like ours, she says its more like "faith in every breath." Just keep breathing, make it from one moment to the next. Focus on the positive, and realize that whatever happens, you will decide to be happy.

That's what I'm doing. I've messed up in my own attempts to remedy the divorce, but I just keep breathing and focusing on making myself happy.

Hang in there - we're all pulling for each other.

Deep breaths - don't forget to BREATHE!

Find out if the MC is marriage friendly. I know this sounds like a no brainer, but my own experiences with MC didn't go so well as the therapist was a victim of her own divorce. There's a section on finding a good MC here on the website.

Read Divorce Remedy as quickly as you can, then repeat. Do not try to get your wife to read it, and don't let her know you are. It's OK to work on this on your own for awhile, and trying to get her to go with your program probably won't work anyway.

Breathe!

Take a look at the chapter on The Last Resort Technique. You probably need to apply some of that first. As hard as it is (I KNOW!), you've got to stop the pursuit, and stop looking/acting like an emotional mess. Hard to do when the world is falling in around you, but the sooner you seem strong and like your old self that she fell in love with, the sooner you can start making little bits of progress.

Consider some DB phone coaching. It's really worthwhile.

Hang in there. And keep fighting the good fight!

I'm not good at expressing or talking about my feelings, so it has been a week since I last posted something. That is something I know I have to work on in order to fix my marriage.

Thanks for your advice above.

This week has been difficult, we went to MC on Wednesday and it started off with the Counselor bashing me right at the beginning when I said that my W was asking me to be more helpful when I wasn’t. I was almost ready to stand up and walk out but since this was my idea, I thought I should hang in and see what happens.

I am glad I did, she did turn around and started to lay some blame on my W. She said that we would need a lot of help and counseling to get our M back on track but that we can do it if we both want it bad enough. I want it bad enough; I just don’t think my W is up to it. My W still has a lot of hurt and blame all of this on me. The counselor felt this as well and said that she needs to understand that we are both at fault and need to get over the hurt feelings and anger in order to get to the healing.

The Counselor gave us the name of two books she thought my help and asked us to read. I picked them up at the book store and started to read them, last night my W asked what “stupid book” is she supposed to read first.

The first book that we were asked to read is called Hold me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. In the book she tells you forget about learning how to argue better or making grand romantic gestures. Instead she gets you to recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing and protection.

I am not quite halfway through the book, but it has opened my eyes at a lot of how me and my W got to where we are and how we can work together on making our marriage work. I just need for my W to read the book and see what I have seen.

I know that in DBing we are not supposed to talk about the R and work on ourselves first and this book is telling me to work with my W on the R. I thought that since we are still living together and sleeping in the same bed and working with a MC that for now it is okay to talk about the R and fixing our M.

What’s your opinion?

ISLMW,
DBing first and foremost is about doing what works. That being said talking about the relationship generally does not as it becomes a who's right conversation. You witnessed this first hand during your initial MC session. If that conversation is solution focused that is a diferent story. That doesn't let you off the hook for working on yourselve though:-).

Now for a word of caution. Based on some your previous posts your W may have already hit the eject button and could be just going through the motions. Typical of many WAS they are just biding time until they can escape. That's another reason R talk is unsucessfull; WAS see everything in a very negative light. They gobble up ever morsel of negative garbage and use it to build a wall of resentment and justification for the action they are taking. What you see as hope is often seen as too little too late.

Working on yourself does is shows action. Also taking the lead is a good thing for a man. Now it is up to you to sustain it.

ISLMW....the gift of coming here has nothing to do with saving your marriage or learning how not to pursue.

It is about recognizing that YOU want to change and grow. It is a great gift: it's called integrity and insight.

I'll let the others give you all the DB rules and regs, but, if there is one thing that I have learned that is so very important to move forward with this is to recognize that for the last 11 years you were working with a set of tools that were 'given you' at the time. You cannot go back now and blame yourself or make yourself a victim nor can you continue to see yourself or your marriage as a failure. It's a lesson now. It's a time to get better tools. It's a time to grow.

Do not push her now but direct your marriage in the direction you think it should go. Listen MUCH MORE than talk and everytime you want to say something, stop, think, step back in your mind and process first. Listening is MUCH MORE POWERFUL a tool.

Stay strong.

FIB

FIB and C-Bart

Thank you for your opinions, however, FIB, the reason I am here is to save my marriage, I know that I have to change and grow from this and this is a great by-product of this process. But right now, I know that I truly love my W and that I have made mistakes in our marriage and that my real goal right now is to get my wife back.

The steps to getting to that goal are working on the things about me that I want and have to change. And I am making progress in these areas. I am just concerned that no matter what I do, no matter how I change, my W has no will to work things out and that scares the crap out of me.

I will simply take it one day at a time, and hope that she sees the changes I am making and will one day find it in her heart to forgive the mistakes I made and see the mistakes she has made.

I join the others in welcoming you to the board. I was almost a WAW, so I recognize the signs and behavior in your W. I disagree with some of what the MC is trying to do. For one, your W will not want to read or watch or listen to anything/anyone about marriage improvement. It is more than she can endure to make herself go to the MC and I suspect she will end that soon. If she fights you about going, it doesn't serve much purpose. She has to have "something" open for it to do any good. She has to open her heart or her ears or mind.....something. At this point, she has shut down and it will be very hard to get her back. Difficult, yes.....but not impossible. You can look that in the face and realize that it is what it is, but don't keep worrying about it or you will be obsessing instead of you working.



A WAW can smell this kind of fear! It is also very unattractive, so you must find a way to stop fretting and become self-confident. Women are drawn to men who show self-confidence.

A WAW does not have sexual attraction for her H. She does not "adore" him. I think you are learning why she has come to this place, but you also need to know how you can change that. A woman has to respect, adore & desrie her man. Those three ingrediants are a must in a healthy M. I am not familiar with the book that the MC told you to read, but you need to be reading how you can accomplish these things to cause your W to see the man she first fell in love with. Do you think you could beome that man again?