My response to X is going to be I would love to however I dont think its proper. I guess that is the right thing to say. Confusing for me on how to handle this offer.
Its like a internal tug of war with me. Yes it would be nice to be a family again, but then again I have my doubts of it working or being let down again.
Anyways, I am writing this and just got an email from X. Funny I have been trying to figure a response to see Santa, but I am glad I waited to send it after reading what X sent. Kinda crazy but neat.
"Thanks for letting the kids come that Wed :-) I just wanted to tell you this morning D asked who she was staying with tonight. I said "me silly". She said "I wanna see Daddy" I said "I know babe, you will soon" She said " NO I want to see you YOU AND daddy at the same time, like McDonalds" I had to laugh. The simplicity of a kid.
So I don't know how you feel about all of us hanging out, or if you even want to hang out again. You haven't really talked to me so I don't know if you want to be my friend or what? lol... (Even reading that it sounds funny.) Would you want to eat sometime just me and you? You know why we're at it why don't you just move in with me instead of buying your own house? ;-) haha... Hope your day is good."
The Weds thing is the 23rd of Dec. Has a family function for xmas that she wants the kids for which it goes both ways.
Its like the C said to us a long time ago, you have to work on being a couple before you can work on being a family. I will pass on the Santa, but will eat with X and see how it goes. I think I have a good idea what to expect and how to handle it. Like not rehashing things that have happened, just good memories, and focus on the present and future. Dont know, this is all weird territory for me!
A previous WAS is not going to joke about co-habiting unless thinking about reconciliation.
Why not meet with her before the Santa thing and see how it goes? (Not suggesting you move in, but if you have hopes of reconciling, at some point you will have to date. She's asking you out. She's initiating. She's interested.)
What is the problem with the Santa thing? (not saying that you should go, I'm just not sure what your concern is... If a private date feels good, why not Santa after?)
Finally, don't try to make your choices based on guesses about life in the future. Do what is right in the present.
Yes I see what X is after (wanting to give it another try and I guess it scares me but at the same time I like it although everything we have been thru) in joking like that. S told her awile back that he is getting a Mario room when we move and we might get this one house. So that night with the D she brought it up briefly.
The whole Santa thing is we would be acting as a family right now, and I dont think that is the right thing to do at this point in time. Will just take it slow and see how it goes.
One of my concerns is why X is moving this direction? Is it because OM is gone and I am just a filler right now (although it was back in July or August she was wanting this even though he was living with her)? Is X being sincere or have a change of heart in a while so that I will think everything is going to be ok but just set myself up for some more hurt again?
I emailed her back and said I would love to but I will pass. Then followed up with I would go eat with her sometime though. Been a couple hours and havent heard back. So prob tomorrow is when X might want to eat but I might try to set something up tonight with her.
Thank you for you inputs, its greatly appreciated!
If you go out, I wouldn't grill her. She's not going to have all the answers, neither of you can predict the future. But, you could ask some open ended questions and see what she says.
Don't try to get guarantees, there are none. Imagine you are starting to date someone new. How would you feel if they wanted to know where things between the two of you would be next week, in a year, in ten years... on your first date???
In any relationship you ever have, there will be emotional risk. If you see her, you will thus most certainly be taking an emotional risk. So, you can quit obsessing about that. There is your answer plain as day: yes it is a risk. And it is your CHOICE whether to take that risk for your own reasons.
Went to lunch with X and lasted oh about 3 hours! Lot of good information was shared. Not only did X bring up the whole moving in thing again, but she did so about 4 or 5 times. After a couple of times of saying it, she said "Is it crazy for me to think that down the road we could start dating, then live together, then maybe one day get remarried?" I replied with a simple no it isnt.
X brought up C that we went to in regards about how she used to feel about how other people are going to think about the decisions she makes. X said "I dont care what people think, I make my own decisions now and they just have to deal with it", something like that. X always thought she was going to let other people down when making decisions.
The whole OM was brought up quite a bit by X. He wanted to marry her, (granted he is less than 30, been married/divorced twice! which i couldnt help myself to crack a joke about it after hearing about him alot and X was wondering how I knew. I had to say "maybe 3rd time would have been a charm for him." I know I shouldnt have but also knew X would be allright with it). X had a ring and everything picked out and it finally freaked X out. Said it finally hit her that she wasnt ready for that and all it would bring in a mixed family, this and that. X said thats not how god intended it to be and I agreed with X on that part and how I believe kids should have one set of parents and not halves, and she took it one step farther with even steps. X has same belief as me that two kids are enough, specifically one of each as we have. This OM wanted more kids so that also freaked her out. Talks as if he is still around but couldnt really figure it out or ask about him. One of the things X mentioned when X kept saying "be friends, date, and live with us" was that we should tell whoever each has been talking to that we are getting back together so deal with it.
X also talked about every time they went on the boat with her family how they called OM my name every time and how her family really missed me on those lake adventures. Thought that was hillarious! Our names both start with J, so just really funny. X mentioned quite a few times about how her dad has always thought highly of me. X said she has talked to him about her feelings and also her mom about how her mom regrets leaving her dad. X even said when there still was a chance right after filing the same thing about how her mom has always regretted but X finally says she understands now.
X did have her moments of shedding tears and apologized and also said your probably dont want to hang out with me anymore since I have cried like this. I said no, thats not true, its ok.
The last time we ate, X said in regards to me racing now "you finally got to do what you wanted". I wanted to be a smarta$$ about it but bit my tounge like I have done a lot of lately cause no reason for it. X said she wanted to come watch me but never did this past summer but dont know if she could watch somebody she knows out there (think she wanted to use different words like loves or cares about). X asked what I was going to do the rest of the night and said go to shop and work on racecars. I also said to the fact since the weather was cold, I would be sitting in a tree. X figured out about archery deer hunting and commented that I never did that while we were together. I said yes the last time I shot my bow up until this year was over 10 years ago. I told her a friend at the shop who has always rifle hunted got his first bow so had to give him some competition.
So all and all I know where X stands now. I also know the saying "believe nothing you hear and half of what you see". X texted me a few hours later and said thank you for today. It took me a while to reply because I was thinking carefully what to say so I said your welcome, when is the next time? I said whenever and she said you tell me, just let me know, i picked today.
I have good feelings and I have doubts but I think the good feelings out weight the doubts. X did say how childish she was and non appreciative, misses the space in that house we had (that I still have that I rent out) (oh and if I moved in with her, the roles would be reversed since its her house this time X said with a lil laughing) and that she just saddened I know about all those bad parts about her and wishes I could just see only good out of her and forgive her for all the wrong doings she did. X kept saying life is too short.
So for now, will just take it easy and hang out and see what happens. Just really sucks it has to go this far for them to see the light. X acknowledge when I said "i told you how it was going to be" by saying "ya, you obviously had thought it out and knew". X also complimented me on being responsible, good work ethics and taking care of the house that she didnt know anything about until getting her own place so she has a whole new respect about everything. We did talk about other stuff, our jobs, the kids, people we know so it went pretty good.
This all sounds all too familiar my friend. Trust your instinct and let it ride. According to my X, who though she was so wrapped inOM to marry him, blah blah, blah, she found herself realizing the same, missing family, missing us all together, the little things done around the house she never took note of and not having any emotional tie to OM as it "still belonged to me".
So, I hear ya on being confused from time to time. You have one advantage tho in that OM has been for length of some time, that is good.
My XW is moving back in to our marital home (rented as well), I'm really having a hard time with that. I have vowed to never step foot back in that house, but finding it too hard even after just the few times we've been together, to say goodnight and part ways. Good luck with that.
edit - and yes, it does suck that it takes some of them all this to finally 'get it'. But, better late than never, and maybe, just maybe, that increases the odds that everything will be great?
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
