Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers wife left, wants divorce, possibly bipolar

hey everybody,

so my wife left suddenly three months ago--been together ten years--and has abandoned me financially, emotionally, socially. we never had too many local friends-have only lived here a couple years-and somehow she's convinced them not to talk to me. we have a beautiful, traditional relationship-except she's the hunter and i'm the gatherer. so i haven't worked formally for several years-working on getting a freelance career off the ground, odd jobs, doing all the housework, shopping, cooking, taxes, home repairs. all she does is work, her free time is hers to do as she pleases. it's made us really happy, except the last year and a half she started having these sudden depressive episodes that would last a week or two, followed by a couple months where she was sunny and positive.

the last few weeks were tough-we were packing to move crosscountry and she got depressive and couldn't take the pressure, went back and forth about the move, then finally calmed down and said let's do it. sold the kitchen table, airconditioner, bookshelves, etc., and we bought a used car together a few days before she left. broke down one night sobbing "i can't do this," clutching onto me, left two mornings later when i was sleeping, left me a note saying she couldn't do the trip and rented a room for the summer and wanted us to come back together stronger than ever and couldn't ever stop loving me.

she wouldn't get on the phone with me at all, and then four days later sent a short letter in the mail saying our relationship was over, she's exhausted, she's done.


i have no friends left in town, no job-we'd decided that she go back to school, and i supported her through it-and so i have no degree, a spotty resume, and there are no jobs. she cleaned out our bank account, left me with not enough to pay rent the day before rent was due.

she blew through all our money this summer-partying, travelling impulsively (5 vacations), shopping, lying to everybody, drinking first thing in the morning (showed up wasted to one of two therapy sessions she agreed to), doing a lot of acid and mushrooms and at least some cocaine, lashing out in paranoid rages.

i'm pretty close to tapping out my friends and family, and although everybody says i have to be patient and wait for her to come back, i'm out of options. she left me with our beloved cats, all her paintings (she's an artist), family heirlooms, photos, books, cds, everything. doesn't care about anything. our therapist says she may be bipolar; she insists she's fine, having the time of her life.

i can't get through a single minute of the day without total anxiety. i can't find a job no matter how hard i try. my only option, it seems, is to file for temporary spousal support. i don't want a divorce, though. i want her to come home.

so then she gets back from her lost summer and starts work again (first grade teacher at a little hippy charter school), and tells people now she's full of anger and wants a divorce. i ran into her and she wouldn't tell me why she wants a divorce, other than she needs her space. then i found out she filed for divorce july 22, sent me papers by certified mail, but they got lost in the mail. so seven weeks have passed and i still haven't been served, i don't know why.

she hasn't been reading my emails or listening to my voicemails since around july 1, and now she's changed her phone number. i don't have any info on her in the last two weeks. i told her when i ran into her i'd give her a fast divorce and not fight her on anything if she'd just sit down and talk about it for a few minutes, tell me why she wants a divorce, come up with a settlement. her response was i'll send you an email about it sometime. nothing yet.

how do you bust a divorce when you have no way to contact your wife and she won't read your emails? (i could call her at work still, but. . .) i would do anything. she said she still loves me (back in june), and doesn't want to fool around with other people. everyone thinks that's true, it's not about sex. i know she felt trapped, and wanted "freedom." i told her she can have all the freedom she wants at home.

when we were 21 and got engaged, her mother tried to intervene and break us up (long story), and she didn't talk to her mother for six months, didn't even let her know what state she was living in. her mother would send us desperate emails and i would read them, but she refused to.

kind of the same situation.

she's insisted she's not coming home, but i think she's still obsessed with me, otherwise she'd be more indifferent. she's being totally unrealistic about having "moved on," and i think is doing everything she can to get me out of her head.

i know she loves me. our therapist says we're one of the closest and most compatible couples he's ever seen. even after she left she said we were twins, but needed to spend time apart. i don't know what she's telling people, but people are treating me like a monster, and so is she. saw me in a parking lot and didn't even wave.

ok, i left plenty out, it's complicated as hell. . .

Hello..sorry you are here but it is a good place to be.
I am kind of in the same boat so to say so I know how you feel.strap yourself in it is a rough ride.be patient work on yourself.I know it really bites right now trying to find work but don't get discouraged just keep your head up.as far as her with the drugs not a good sign.I know from experience that will only make things worse.all you can do is wait for her to get help or hit rock bottom.
Read as much as you can here it will help.walkaways are strange creatures.start venting and journaling it is good to get it out.there are good people here that will help.


God Bless

I just wanted to drop a little note about addiction (ie- your spouses possible addictions)

People have to want to stop, unless they do nothing in the world will reach them.

Think of it as being in a pool... if you jump feet first into the deep end and only kick your feet and not your legs it can be very hard to reach the surface, but if you sink to the bottom you can kick off the bottom and get to the surface faster.

The person has to either be willing to fight hard to get out or hit the bottom with nowhere to go and kick off... all you can do is be ready to give them a hand once they get their head above the water and take that first breath again. You can't swim for them no matter how hard you want to.

Just stay at the edge of the pool, when and if the time is ready they will reach for your hand.

hey,

i don't think she has an addiction though it's possible, she's certainly strung-out looking when i see her. i know the psychedelics, which can be good under certain conditions for emotionally stable people, have not helped.

still, the pool metaphor applies. . . i'm hanging on, but eventually i'll have to take some kind of action. . . may have to drop the cats off with her if i can't care for them, which will piss her off cause she says they're not her cats anymore.

but they are. they're no more my responsibility than hers.

really bothers me. plus if i have to move out of here by myself, i'm the one with the emotionally difficult task of going through all our stuff. if she's more ok with this split than i am, then it's less difficult for here, right? so she should be the one doing it!

just wondering, it seems like new topics get buried here pretty fast. . . should i post under another forum?

I think it is possible that you are not getting a lot of response because few of us have any idea of how to deal with a bipolar person. It's not that we don't want to help you. As far as forums go, Newcomers gets the most traffic.

well, she might not be bipolar, who knows. . . it's also possible, i've been told, that it's like an early MLC.

any responses would be appreciated. . .

Sounds like it could be bipolar. I have a bipolar family member who left his wife, got an appt., started a PA, etc. They reconciled 6 months to a year later and have been together now for over 5 years.

I do think a lot of WAS are addicts or have addictive personalities. Makes it tougher.

The best way to handle this is to stop any attempts to get her to come back. Stop any pursuit. Let her have her freedom. Drop the rope. Keep yourself super busy and GALing. What kind of GAL activities are you doing? I always recommend some kind of exercise, just walking if that's all you feel like.

File for temporary spousal support. Keep looking for a job. Spend a portion of each day turning in resumes; some jobs have you go in person and those are good to go to rather than just an anonymous face. I also do volunteer work and have gotten several jobs through that. I do believe the current economy is the toughest to get a job!!!

Rye...

I just wanted to let you know I am bi-polar...I was diagnosed at 17 so I have been dealing with this a long time. Feel free to ask any questions and I will do my best to help you

serenity,

thanks for your support. i just started reading your thread, when i'm done i'll get back to you with questions. . .

Karen,

thanks. i'm worried if i file for spousal support, it'll just anger her further, and make me look pathetic--i'd have to go to court with her and get my doctor to say i have anxiety and depression, and a back problem that prevents me doing manual labour-type jobs. . . and also talk about how i can't find a job, since i haven't been working for awhile, i'm worried it'll convince her i'm no good, and i'm not making it on my own. . .

at the same time, i might have no choice soon, and if she goes ahead with the divorce without talking to me about it, i'll have to fight back. it would feel like fighting a part of myself.

normally, she's a caring person as well as a guilty person, but she's not showing any signs of responsibility for my situation. she did pay a couple of bills for awhile, but i think just so she could say that she didn't abandon me 100% financially (only about 98%!).

when your family member with BP went back to his wife, how did it happen? were they in contact? was he manic, was he demonizing her, was it just indecision? my wife has had a lot of trouble making decisions and sticking to them, especially in the last couple years. how did bipolar disorder affect their situation?

thanks again.