Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Do not know up from down advise please ??

Lola

Thanks for the information. If I could make myself a little more clear. My description of what is going on may be a little off base. I would not say she is consumed with her looks, and she has not changed her look or clothing all that much, as she has always got her hair colored once a month and her work attire is standard. She is not one to go out on weekends or week days. She has work friends who are divorced and or separated who are much older than her feeding her information I do believe. She has had card making parties and I have seen these woman and I hope I am not to judgmental but on the outside they are unattractive large people who rely and support each other. She works with all of these girls and as she is 37 today has worked for the same company for 16 years they know each other very well. My wife is a giver to of her friends calling her laying a lot of their problems on her and she is more than willing to listen and give advice. As you might think leaving very little energy for me emotionally of physically. She has never instigated intimacy (never once in the last 12 years I have known her). As for me I have by no means been perfect in any way. I have been caught calling phone sex numbers, she feels they are affairs and this is a big issue. Like all men I have also been caught looking at inappropriate web sites, yet all of this activity I can be counted on one hand. She has a memory of a steel trap, nothing is forgotten ever. Over a two year period I have been nit picky about dinners laundry and a clean house, I put a lot of pressure on her in these categories. She hates conflict and suppresses everything. I on the other hand wear my emotion on my sleeve I feel something it comes out and I move on. I have gone to anger management class and continue to do so. OK my father beat the crap out of me and belittled me…. You get the idea. I have really stepped up to the plate on supporting around the house yet she says we have all these issues and they are irreparable. She refuses marriage counseling At this time in her life she has said more than once, I want my dad to help me buy a new town house, I have two daughters and I want two cats my DVD player and I will be happy. I on the other hand am a sports orientated person playing proficiently at one time in my life. I had my girls in skating and soccer, my wife thought that was too much and way over the top. Any advise on where her mind is would be appreciated. Looking for a direction to reconcile my marriage and gain my wife’s trust back. My anniversary is tomorrow would you suggest me buying anything or leave it be…
Stitch

LEAVE IT BE! DON'T BUY ANYTHING!

I have a friend who buys something for his wife on their anniversary, just a card, but he keeps it. He does not give it to her. So if you feel the need, then by all means, but don't give it to her.

On my first anniversary apart from my H, I sent an email telling him I was thinking of him. I got no response. On the second, I sent nothing. He didn't send anything either.

I think, first, you need to look at your wife's complaints. It is good that you are in counseling, and I would continue that.

But the other thing is that you also need to make changes for you. It cannot be all about your wife, but allowing yourself to be the best you can be. Are you happy? What about yourself would you change?

Ultimately, you must realize that you only have the power to change one person: yourself. You cannot change your wife's mind. Now, there is a possibility that in the process of bettering yourself your wife will realize you have heard her concerns and taken them seriously, and she may be willing to revisit attempting to work out the marriage. But there is no guarantee. So, work on you. Learn to not be so nit picky because obviously she views that as controlling behavior.

Also, there is a time and place for everything, so getting it out immediately may not be the best approach. Now, I am by no means telling you to hold it all in. But if you are frustrated, come here and vent. Do not vent on your W.

It is a slow process, so be prepared for a bumpy ride, and a lot of accusations that the only reason you are doing this is to get your W back. You have to have other reasons, i.e. making yourself into a better man.

Lola
Thanks for your time. I will buy nothing.
It is my wife’s birthday today, I had my two girls make birthday cards last night and helped my oldest make a necklace out of chestnuts. The girls would have given their gifts to mom this morning. I did not send an email or text saying happy birthday. I had told her earlier in the week that I would not be home today after work and not to worry about me and dinner as I had plans and would be home late. My 10 year anniversary is tomorrow same thing ,no card and not acknowledge the fact. I as well told her last week I would not be home after work, I had pans and would be home late. I will spend the next day Saturday with my daughters and something memorable with them, and go to a house worming party Saturday night. My old life was all about my family and this is the start of GAL.

Stitch. I am sorry to hear you sitch. I have a very similar sitch. The new clothes, can't pass a mirror without stopping, new underwear and the time spent on herself and no one else. The list goes on and on.

Reading about MLC is great help. That roller coaster ride is just starting so hang in there. There are some great folks on here that give some great insight and advise. Working on yourself and taking care of the kids is all you can control.

MLC, EA and PA all have similarities in how your W is acting. I have learned a couple of things from this board and my 7 month roller coaster ride. Patience, no relationship talk with your W, GAL and Read as much as you can DR And other books. Good luck and I will stop by later. Look around the board you will see some great advise.

I have noticed my wife has been spending more on herself as well. In her case, I think its because she's felt that she sacraficed so much over the last few years that she deserves some stuff for herself. Don't know if that applies or not, but it might be another possible reason.

I appreciate the feedback. Lonely wolf It seems from my end and your comments this could be true our wives have sacrificed everything over the last few years and they feel they deserve some stuff for themselves. In my case my oldest daughter is 7 and I have not taken my wife out on a date in 7 years yup talk about neglect / me bad. My focus was on my two girls and I lost sight of my wife’s needs which is one of the biggest issues I am where I am. As everyone has said do not pursue or pressure as It will drive her further away so I do not know at this time how I can make up lost time on meeting her needs. Perhaps this is why everyone says patents patents patents, do nothing at this time. So neglect number one number two attitude. I have been verbally abusive towards my wife and as she is a soft spoken seemingly insecure girl, it is not a good combination when married to a hot headed Pollack like myself. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I say how I feel and move on, my wife says very little and she has been suppressing all of her feelings for a long time. I have pushed her emotionally into the ground and she has little to no fight in her. I have been taking anger management classes and ok my dad beat the crap out of me and belittled me my whole life and I have learned and say to myself I will not pass that negative attitude onto my girls the abuse stops with me. I start a group anger class which runs 9 weeks, I should learn lots more I am sure. My wife says we can have a conversation and once it gets heated I pounce and go right for her jugular, I have to win the fight at all costs. I need lots of work on that. Even yesterday we were taking and she had said she was not feeling well and not sleeping I had a brain fart and said so…. do you think I am sleeping these days.(thinking of myself me first) she commented see we were taking normally and you throw that harsh remark at be. I am so tired of my parents and my friends all giving me there to bits on my situation. I went to a party on Saturday and I had a few girl friends make some rude comments about my wife which I felt were inappropriate as they know very little about my story. I ended up thinking about their comments and left the party after only being there an hour. My wife did ask me why I was home so early and I commented that people were making inappropriate comments about her. I said no more, kept my mouth shut…. but it upset her big time. Can we call this sliding backwards. Brain hurts. Thanks for the ear people.
Stitch