Dear LH, After reading your reply, I found the courage to confront H about the porn sites. Of course he made some excuse about it being an accident that they actually got his address and started sending him e-mails, etc. He denied it being a habit. Anyway at least I had the chance to tell him how it made me feel hurt and angry especially due to what we're experiencing now with the no sex thing. He bought me flowers last night and baked a cake for me with the girls. I think he's trying but just doesn't know why he feels no sexual attraction to me. We have our counselling session tomorrow and I plan to confront C about why we aren't addressing the sex thing more. Does anyone have any advice on more books about slowly bringing physical intimacy back into your life when it's been gone for so long? Starving
Hi Starving It's really sweet that he baked you a cake A book I like is Resurrecting Sex by Dr David Schnarch. I think you are right to confront your C. Maybe he does have a good reason but you need to know. In a way it all depends on why your H has low desire. If there is no particular reason either medical or pschological, he may feel more comfortable talking about it once he realises it is quite a common problem. I say problem because it is a problem in the marriage, not because there is actually something wrong with him. Maybe when you see the counsellor would be a good time to discuss this, you H may be more inclined to listen in this setting. Tell them you have read this book (SSM, maybe take it along) and about what it says about LD being very common and the best way to deal with it is to just start having sex more. Just do it. Perhaps ask your H to read the book himself.
Dear Starving, You are getting some good advice here. And it is good you are in counseling but bad that the couselor seems to shy away from the topic...since that is why you are going to him in the first place! Have you tried talking this over in a phone consult with Michele?
Did you see the 20/20 episode on two marriages where the H withheld sex and drove the wife crazy? Two different reasons for the withholding and I am sure there are many more than just those two reasons.
Snarch is a sex therapist here in my home state and the book jigi rec'd is a good one.
And I agree that baking a cake shows that he really wants to love you but maybe is wondering what the heck is wrong with him anyway. Sexual desire for your partner can get messed up by so many things! My husband withheld sex for two years and when I finally confronted him he reacted badly and blamed me...but then somehow we reconciled for two years before he did it again, and then HE left and found someone else that affirmed him enough that he could have sex with her. He says I was critical and nonaffirming. And I was...but only after he withheld everything but the kitchen sink. honey, it could be so many things, and it is going to take some time and patience to sort it out. If he is concerned about his lack of sex drive, a man tends to blame the wife so that he doesn't have to feel like less of a man, ya know? The pressure to perform is tuf for a guy cause he can't fake it like we can. Is it possible that you could tell him that it isn't so much the actual sex but the way it makes you feel when he sexes you up...like you are loved and valued and protected and cherished. So that as long as he hugs you and laughs with you and bakes you a cake every now and then, you can accept that he really does love you. BUT is there anything that you are doing wrong in the sex arena that is a turn off for him just plain sexually? Cause if there is, you want to fix it for him. I guess I'm saying that if you have the strength to accept that he really does care but is just a lost soul sexually, then maybe you can coax him outta his funk by taking the blame on yourself and making it seem like you just want to pleasure him the way you remember he pleasured you. Ya know? Well, girlfriend, good luck and hope it works out. Maybe a change in counselors is what is needed at this point? gd
