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Stronger,

Don't know if you read my other thread or not over at WAS. I started this one recently to get specific feedback from the above posters on tough love strategies. In any event, thanks for looking along with any feedback you might wish to share.

Current status of my W's A is that my W informed me late last week that OM had dumped her because he was "feeling guilty about being the person who broke up her family". Frankly, I don't know what to believe anymore. My W acted unhappy when she told me this but did not make eye contact with me at all and refused to tell me exactly when OM dumped her. Shortly before this disclosure, my W had announced that she didn't love me or even like me anymore and had no desire to "rekindle" our MR.

Since last week, my W has acted mostly "normal" and occasionally chipper. I'm thinking she might be back in contact with OM but I'm no longer focusing on things like this.

Two things I should point out in the context of what is currently going on in my sitch: 1) Up until I filed for D, I had consistently maintained that ANY possible reconciliation between me and W would start with OM no longer being in the picture. 2)My BIL asked me last weekend if there was "any chance" of reconciliation with my W. I said yes, but that the ball was in my W's court; I'm done with taking abuse from her.

Right now I'm keeping communication between my W and me respectful but to a minimum and mostly keeping to myself when I'm not playing with my kids. Basically I've dropped the rope.

Hey BJ,
How has the book reading on the tough love principles going?

Jman

Hey Jman,

I had to set the book down to focus on some other things in my sitch right now. So far so good. I'll get back into it shortly and let you know. It's not expensive- it cost me about $14. You might just want to pick yourself up a copy thru Amazon.

Hope things are going better for you. Take care.

I ordered one too and am waiting for it to come in myself. Well my sitch has not changed at all since the other night. I have been doing stuff for myself and going out with friends. I know no matter what I do it will get twisted negatively against me in her eyes but oh well that is her prob. I am not doing anything wrong.

Jman,

I have the same problem with my W.

One of the reasons why you, I and the other LBHs need to make changes for ourselves first is because right now we can't do anything right in the eyes of our Ws. It's maddening, for sure. I think you are doing the right thing by ignoring her negativity.

Hi BigJohn
Just because she's chipper doesn't mean she's back in contact with him. Sometimes when they get dumped, they act happy for a list of reasons:
1.)Just depsite the OP, "you can't dump me because I don't care, see? I'm happy!"
2.) Relief that it's over because they were feeling bad about everything
3.) Because they are sort of DBing on their own without being aware of DBing...."Oh crap, I just got dumped! Better work it out with my spouse."

I think you are doing great. Hang in there.

Definitely ignore the negativity. The best thing you can do is demonstrate your indifference to what she's doing, and to demonstrate how you're not compromising your life by sinking to her level. Only show her strength and happiness, and even be nice to her, in a pitying kind of way. Make her face her decisions by not allowing her to paint you as the villain.



My W's A has been dying a slow death since February. Earlier this year, when she was actually deluding herself into thinking it was a legitimate committed R, she would go into emotional crisis when they would "break up", and be crying and desperate. Was really quite pathetic. When she began to see the futility in it, and see the damage that was being done to her family, she started acting happier as the A died, as in #2 above. As I've reached the end of my rope and started to move on, she's finally realizing the true reality of divorce, and wants to talk about "us". Amazing how my whole situation followed the script almost to the letter.

As for the book "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson, I read it way back last spring. Good book, it essentially duplicates the strategy advised by Gucci here, as in maintain your self respect, (nicely) kick your straying spouse to the curb, and make them feel the full brunt of their decisions. Let them know that YOU'RE done, and wish them good luck in life. Nothing gets the attention of a wayward spouse like that does. Dobson contends that RESPECT is the number one requirement in any human relationship, and I agree completely.

Here here future.

Stronger/Future,

Thanks for the feedback. My W is pretty stubborn when it comes to what she wants to believe and seems pretty committed to her escapism. As you know, escapism is a lot less work that working on your MR and is much more fun.

Thanks for stopping by.

Yes, WE know that, but on some level, I think the WASs know it too. But fight hard to ignore it and tell themselves D is harder.

I know with my H, when I've "walked" or explained to him, "You are right, let's end this" he back tracks big time. I try not to get to those points where we have those conversations but sometimes, as you know, we get pushed and it's do or die. Respected or become a door mat. I was a door mat long enough.

I think my H is finally at a point where he understands "Ok, Stronger doesn't want this D, but she's ready to go forward with it" and he's not quite sure what to do or think. I know he's scared things would be like they were. I know I can be a hard person and I'm working on that, so I understand his hesitation there. I don't understand plenty of other crap regarding him and his thought process, but I do get that.