Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Mindblank #5 - Livin' La Vida Limboland...

interesting.. interesting indeed...

I forget... Have you asked your H or talked to him about this "lack of interest"?
K

Good job on your goals!

My mind is full of mindfull this early Coastal State a.m.

{Deep breath he gathered.}

So. Why was my mind full of mindfull this early Coastal a.m. when it could be so full of other things, like Smiley's Person himself or the Cubs or dreamy visions of dreamy shores full of dreams?

Last night, my old war buddy, married 27 years, 3 kids (adults), good lodge brother, fraternity brother, Toastmaster, hail-fellow-well-met....came out of the closet to me.

Now, being a notorious Liberal, that's all good as far as I'm concerned, I mean Life Liberty and all that, but I was -- being deeply engaged in mojolating a divorce myself -- rather concerned about how the family was taking it.

Oddly enough, though I have yet to verify with the wife and the one kid I know, he said they were actually sort of relieved. The kids because they "knew" all along -- the young folk have their gaydar working, and the wife because she finally understood why there was no...you-know...between them all those years and (more importantly for her I think) understood that, in their case, the old cliche "it's not you, it's me" was, in fact, correct. She simply wasn't equipped with the type of plumbing he was (secretly) interested in.

Now I'm not saying Mr. Full is batting for the other team. But when Old War Buddy described some of the things he'd (not) do with Mrs. OWB, well they sounded not all that different from some of what you've described from Mr. Full.

Indeed, what latched me onto this was your locked-door misadventure. OWB told me he would lock the bathroom door against just such a possibility from Mrs. OWB, not because he didn't want her (though, in point of fact, he didn't) but because he didn't want to hurt her by rejecting her -- though of course he didn't quite "get" that he was doing that anyway. From time-to-time, though decreasingly, he'd give her what he describes, crudely, as a "mercy poke," but inside his head it was Hunkalicious Movie Star of the Week there beside him.

Now the upshot to all this is, Mrs. OWB has spent years looking in the mirror for the "why." Should she get Botox? Should she lose weight? Should she do yoga? What was wrong with her?

Well...biology. Evolution. Random genetic selection. The wrong number of Y-chromosomes.

In other words, there weren't a daym thing wrong with her. It was him. Food for thought, perhaps.

To quote my Greek FIL, "There's a hole in the soup."

@Coach, you sir a veritable font of quips and one-liners. I like it!

haha SP and Coach, you can both bring good advice and humor on the same platter.

But it does bring to mind, has anyone here had a spouse who went on an A with someone of the same gender? Would DB principles work?

There was some talk going around the Retrouvaille support group I help at on weekends about new sitch permutations that the presenters are struggling to help with. Well, particularly the more senior folks, they REALLY had never seen some of the problems cropping up nowadays.

I know of a very, VERY influential businessman in my community. I'm 41, people tell me I look at least 10 years younger - well he's in his 50's and he looks younger than I. He had an A and left his wife and 4 kids. Cosmetically enhanced? Just maybe. Goes around openly with his buff 20-something boyfriend these days I hear. Conventional and DB type wisdom would go out the window here methinks?

As for the locked bathroom door. Umm, to be honest I've done it too, sometimes I just needed the space. Wouldn't necessarily read too much into it perhaps?

@Deep:


Instinctively, I think you're right; wait-and-see. The real point was, @mindfull has -- no criticism implied -- a lot of discussions on her thread with some of the other ladies, and they are really, really focused on clothes and weight.

Okay, American women, body-image, etc. -- what else is new?

But I'm afraid -- and I use that adjective deliberately, "afraid" -- that @mindfull (you listening, friend?) thinks that by slimming down she's going to catch her H's eye.

Mrs. SP always had that going on in her mind, or at least always until she started slimming down for Signore Schmuckatelli (but that's another story on another thread).

I can speak only for myself and the couple hundred guys I know, so that's not a statistically significant sample (I need about 900 more guys to get there).

Yes, we like Miss December (and Misses January through November, too). Yes, we like Jennifer and Angelina and Madonna and all the rest of the hot celebutards.

They're hot because being hot is their job. They look hot and attract us because looking hot and attracting us is their job -- that's how their movies and magazine covers make money. That's also why they're celebrities and we're not -- they're exceptional (at least in that way).

Your job, wives, is being the women we love. We don't hold you to Madonna's standards, any more than we think you hold us to the standard of Michelangelo's David (at least in terms of the cutitude and buffitude -- if "size mattered" in old Jerusalem then it was a good thing David slew Goliath because he needed "something" to pitch to the ladies, LOL).

We "feel" for you. We have a depth of emotion for you. To borrow a phrase from Gertrude Stein, there's some "there" there for us.

So maybe Mr. Full is locking himself in the bathroom because he's shy. Or because the handyman cometh. Or because he needed space. Or because of any of a hundred things. Maybe he didn't even pay attention to locking the door, it was just one of those absent-minded moments. Who knows?

But that's my real point. Who knows? Only Mr. Full.

But I don't like this feeling I get that @mindfull "just needs to lose a couple pounds" and ol' Mr. Full will be knocking at her door come 3 in the a of m.

Girls, women, ladies -- if you want to slim down to get in the latest fashion, great. If you want to slim down to get your blood pressure under control, great. If you want to slim down to do a triathlon, a la Mrs. SP, great.

But don't slim down to "get" us. First, that's not how it works. Second, if that's what it takes to "get" us, do you really want us? I wouldn't, if I were you -- really, you came around because of my physical person? What happens when I'm old? What happens when I'm sick?

My Someone, for example, has a friend who's had a radical mastectomy. She and her H are struggling intensely with the impact on their sexual selves, as you can imagine. She fears not being a "complete" woman. Understandably. But I call attention to that word, "complete."

There's more to you, um, guys (wha'?) than meets the eye.

That's all I'm sayin'.

Ah, SP--if only we could believe that! We need to feel beautiful. And in our (superficial, image-obsessed) culture, there's nothing more invisible and therefore irrelevant, than an aging, plump-ing woman. We're told we "let ourselves go"--which is a supreme insult. In fact, several folks told me after xH walked out that I need to focus on losing a few lbs because I've "let myself go." It is a ubiquitous message we receive, and the unconditional-ness of your message is a rarity. But it is appreciated!

Was it "folks" that told you that or your women "friends." I'm with SP, you gals have no idea what men find attractive.

no, actually it was a few guys--separately--who told me that. And they were straight. And you know, at this point, I for one have no idea what men find attractive! Don't mean to hijack, but perhaps several of us would appreciate some enlightenment.