Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What to do when H doesn't contact?

Red, I can't thank you enough. If you don't mind can you tell me what is was like to go throug a MLC? I don't know what he is thinking, and why he doesn't want to be bothered with me or the kids. I don't get any of it.

It has been 10 months now of separation and about 3 months with no contact except when my S tried to take his own life. And one time when he wrote back to our D12.

What did it take for you to come to your senses? If you can help me I would greatly appreciate it.

I too, would really like to hear what it's like to be in MLC. Though he's only 37, it really seems like my H is there too. I guess it hits earlier these days. I will try to look through your posts for your story. I wish there was a way for each of us to put our sitch and a link to our initial (or current) thread on our profile pages.

Lost,
Please stay, I think you are in the right place and I think there are wonderful people here that can help you and advise you. I am glad to here that S and D are in counseling and it seems like the counselor is giving them great advice by letting them know that hubby is sick right now.

I can't even imagine how hard this must be for your right now. I am rooting for you. I know you have the strength with in you to persevere.

I hope you will continue to post. Sending positive vibes your way

Lost,

This site is EXACTLY where you should be. There are many wise and kind people here, and I'm always truly amazed at how they all help one another.

I haven't followed your sitch all that closely, but you seem like a woman of genuine faith, and I know that God will see you and your family through this. I will add my prayers to yours, for the emotional and physical safety of your family.

Puppy

So here's my intro post. I haven't read it lately but I did cover a little bit about MLC.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1820958&page=1

So, I'll try to share what I know in the hopes that it helps. We're all different and the next person's MLC mileage may vary. First I had just hit my mid 40s but most people guess me 10 years younger and I certainly feel younger. MLCs in 30s and 40s are common. I've read that we're even seeing them in late 20s...who knows!? So when I was going through it I had no idea what was going on. That's the major theme really. I can only see it looking back and in many ways its like looking back on a stranger.

After many years of struggling with marriage, life, work I found myself rock bottom...fully depressed. I was taking medication, etc. I didn't feel loved, I didn't feel like I was of any value at all. I withdrew deeply, I guess I had been for many many months. I also bought myself a nice new car during this time but it seems coincidental to me. Others might not agree. So next thing you know, I found myself in an affair with a good friend at work. We had been close for a while and it just happened. Suddenly there was a person who thought I was smart, and special, and loved me. We had an affair for a time. I didn't really try hard to cover it and my wife eventually found out. In my mind our marriage was over and it didn't matter anyway. I had also convinced OW of this. She really was a good person. Not making excuses for either of us but I don't think she would have gotten involved if she didn't really believe I was in a dead marriage. I told my wife I was leaving, she begged, pleaded and tried everything possible and I never even heard her. When I look back on everything, that's what really jumps out at me. I was like an alien. I didn't hear things that normally would have been very important to me. I loved my family. I never even thought about cheating on my W for the 20 years we were together.

So with time and counseling I ended the affair. I healed myself, really dug into my emotions and my past and opened up doors and learned things about myself that I would have imagined impossible. with the passing weeks things became more and more clear until i began to focus on more than just me. I started thinking about my wife and family again. I had a glimmer of hope that I could save my marriage (mind you I had moved out for almost a year and I'm taking my own sweet time through all of this...basically taking W for granted as I had for who knows how long before). Anyway, that's when I got the big whammy. I found out she was now with someone else. She had moved on...just as I had asked her to....and was seriously dating OM. I can't even find words to tell you how devastated I was. No pain in my life was ever that severe. I wanted to die. I wanted to give up and die.

I look back on the time when I was walking out the door and I don't even recognize the man I was then. I have accepted it, forgiven myself and gone on about the business of life and DBing.

There are two really valuable things that I see in my story worth sharing.

1) The DBings stuff makes sense, the GALing and the 180 stuff. Just ask some of the veterans on this site. They will remind you of the wake-up calls that people like me have gotten when we see the people we love moving on in life with another person.

2) MLCs are real, the people in them can be monsters, but those people can change and become wonderful humans again. Don't give up and don't lose hope but don't lose yourself in the process.

Lost, we would miss you if you didn't post. There are many LBS's that have WAS's that are ill. Read and re-read the sections on MLC's in the DR book. Its a long road, it can be traveled, but you need to grow through the process.

Will keep checking on you.

Lost, how are you?

Stavyh, June, Puppy, Red and Wifey,

Can't thank you enough for all of your support and thanks for saying I should stay. Some days I just feel like giving up but I know that is normal going through all of this but I do know that God doesn't want me to so I just try to keep that in my head.

Red,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It was one of the nicest things anyone has done for me during this terrible time that I'm going through. Not only here but also outside of this site. I know my H is depressed and I just keep hanging in there hoping he will get help and come to his senses but I don't know what to think or when that will ever happen. H is 35, so I guess that is the age for MLC but he didn't buy anything and as far as I know there is no OW. As a matter of fact he only pays his rent.

He doesn't pay any of his own bills (charges etc.), it's like he doesn't care about anything. He also gave truck back to the bank and still owes over 4 thousand. They repossessed his other car.

But everyone hold onto your hats. He actually wrote our D12 and asked if she had a game yet (she cheers for football). Now in her last letter she told him when her first game was, but I guess like Red said, you are in a fog. So anyway he writes how much he loves and misses her and asks if she has a cell and if she does could she write back and give her # to him so he can call her since he knows that she always wanted one when she turns 13. Why won't he just give her his new cell # and she can call him from where ever? None of this makes sense. And when he called me about my S18 he blocked his # 2 weeks ago. He acts like I would be harassing him or something, which I never did. Don't get any of it. Now everyone remember he moved 5 minutes away from his father and step-mother in May and now is telling D12 in the letter that he had to move and gave her new address. Which now he is about 15 min. away from them and only 10 min. away from us.

No reason why he had to move just told her he had to move and the new place was ok. He makes plenty of money so that's not the reason either, as a matter of fact the place where he moved is more expensive and less room. In this letter he sounded very depressed even told D that if she didn't want to write back he would understand. So I don't know if he is blaming himself and thinking I don't want him back now because of my S trying to take his own life or what.

So her first game is this Sat. so she wanted to hurry and write him back and let him know hoping that he will come to her game. She also put in her letter about my S saying that he wishes he would call or write to him too God Bless Her.

I can't thank all of you for your support. It means so much to me because I was really really down this weekend and the past couple of days and now I feel better knowing I have all of you.

That is the benefit of the site, you always have soft shoulders here.

Honey, this is not a site that advocates you just "hang in there" and they don't just magically "come to their senses." Right now is the time for you to grow. Work on you, don't just hang. Become the person you can depend on the most.



He's made a fine mess of things on that end.



I'm happy for your D that he wrote, but ....

Don't go there!!!!!! Do not mind-read and fill in the blanks of what you know. You have no way of knowing what he is thinking, nor do you necessarily want to know while he is still deep, deep into the fog.



Please caution your D not to get her hopes up. He may already have plans, he might be hesitant to show up, any number of reasons that he might make it. If she gets her hopes up and he lets her down she will only be hurt more.




You are on the roller coaster and it will take a long time to get to the smooth part of the ride. I often recommend people get a journal and write in it whenever they are in the grips of the bad times. In the journal you can say anything to the WA that you would like to say/scream at them. Put it all in there and get it out of your system.

This is a long road. Don't give up hope, cultivate it. Do that by working on you. Grow.

Thanks Wifey. I will try my best, and I also told our D that he might not be able to make it because I didn't want her to get her hopes up but my S also thinks that he moved to be closer to us but I told him also that I didn't think that was why he moved and to just pray that H will get help.

Just don't know whether to think that the letter I wrote him a couple of weeks ago is no longer true because of what S did and I don't mean it now or what. That is the confusing part. I just don't want H to hurt himself over all of this either.