Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Fallgirl`s Second Thread

Just thinking through my db goals for this week. Last R thing H said was three weeks ago. Asked me to make appt for mediation(its a non legal route towards separation where we come together with a mediator(not lawyer) to split assets, agree custody etc). I didn`t want to as I said I didn`t want to separate. But he went ahead and rang mediator anyhow. Now its up to me to make the call as H is not willing to reconcile.

I am ready to let him go.

I`d rather we saved the marriage.

But if he wants to go I think I should let him. Right?

I`m thinking I`ll call them this week. They`ll get back to him then and he`ll know we`re heading to mediation and separation for sure.

There`s a 14 week wait for first mediation appt.

Or should I just work the mysterious thing a bit more first? Out a lot of nights, all dressed up that type of thing? Or do both?

Have to say things are much calmer round here for the past weeks though heading I think for the lethal flatness.

You know my sitch best Cat, I value your wisdom!

Calling on Mach and Gucci for the male perspective and(gulp!)hard hitting advice!

Thanks!

Just taking lunch break from yard work and decided to check in.

couple of things--

WHAT are your DB goals for the week? Unless I missed them, you didn't say.

You are not in the US right? It's Labor Day Weekend here, so some may be AWOL for an extra day. I know Mach is in the Big Apple, not sure if back tomorrow or later. Please wait for his advice, the male perspective, you know.

I want to ask you a few things if I may. Please don't take offense.

Do you love your H? Love him like you love your children. Willing to let him make his own mistakes but still be there when/if he needs you?

Do you want to save your marriage? Honestly. Or do you just want some peace?

Do you still have work to do on you? I'm guessing yes.

Are you thinking about calling mediation because H suggested it, because he is pushing for it, because you have to respond legally as they contacted you, or because you don't want to seem like you are standing in his way? Can the mediation not go forward without your cooperation and consent?

Here is what I KNOW. No agreement is needed for them to move out. No agreement is needed for them to get OW. No agreement is needed for them to treat you like crap. No agreement is needed for you to move forward with your life. Your H has talked, has looked at apartments, says he wants to tell the kids. Has he done anything about it? Honestly, has he done much of anything to push this along if he wants it so badly, or is he still trying to get you to do the dirty work?

Personally, until I am done, and I mean done, I will do nothing to move this forward (with one major exception but even that will require much soul searching). If MY H wants a D, I do not even plan on signing the papers. I even told him so. Let the judge do it. If that is what he wants, he is gonna bear all of the responsibility for it. There will be no pretense that this is what I want. I've done that way too many times in my life with him. So a major 180 for me. If my H wants to move out, he will have no help from me. I won't stop him. But I won't help either.

Think, take your time, decide what YOU want, regardless of what HE wants. Because if he really wants it, he can do it without your help. JMO

WHAT are your DB goals for the week? Unless I missed them, you didn't say.

Planning to be more mysterious. Upping the looking good factor and going out with a friend on Thurs night.

You are not in the US right?

That`s right.

Please don't take offense.-No offense taken;-hugely appreciate your input.

Do you love your H? I don`t know. He`s become so boring-interested in only two things which I have no interest in whatsoever.

Do you want to save your marriage? -See above.Though I do think its better for the kids if we at least try to work on salvaging and improving our relationship and hopefully, rekindle love again.

Do you still have work to do on you? -As you know, I`m seeing a new therapist for the past three months though regard myself as just being at the start I`m just at the start of my journey

Are you thinking about calling mediation because H suggested it-yes, the only reason. I am not bound legally to attend. I made it very clear to H that I don`t want a separation at this time AND that I believe we owe it to our marriage to alt least go to couples therapy. But I don`t want to be controlling his decision and stopping him from leaving.

Your H has talked, has looked at apartments, says he wants to tell the kids. Has he done anything about it?

Not that I know of.


I`m very sure that I don`t want separation but I`m concerned that our living in limbo situation might actually be worse for the kids-and for me-than separation. I also don`t want H to think that I`m so desperate to stay married to him that I `ll put up with living like this indefinitely.

After all the crap that`s gone under the bridge I don`t know how we can recover. Especially as he shows no sign of even wanting us to recover.

In fact his going home this week end to defy his mother`s ban on him, just is another nail in the coffin.He`s very much presenting himself now as a separated man to his family-no wedding ring,bringing one son along and all this tales of woe. So I`m anticipating that he`ll be egging me one to register for the mediation this week. I don`t know what to do really.

I`m as confused and stuck as he is.

Thanks for your advice Cat. Wish I could be as sure as you about staying with this. Not going to do ANYTHING at all while I`m feeling this way.

Fg,

Hey thanks for not getting too pissed at me. I just was trying to make you think. I KNOW you don't want D or S, at least right now. Who knows how things will change down the road for any of us, but you wouldn't be here if you were sure you wanted it to be over.

You are doing great. I just watch you (listen, feel, oh whatever) flip flop some times as fast as the wind blows and I would hate to see you or anyone make a decision based solely on emotion. Those are usually the ones we regret the most.

Personally, I'm glad you would only do the mediation if he pushes for it. But let him.

I too wonder about my S. If the other would be better for him. Some days I just don't know what the answer to that question is, but I remember what I had to overcome because of my own parents D. So...

I have asked myself the same questions I asked you, about love, about other stuff. Today, I am sure. Tomorrow, maybe not so much. But, for me, until I'm sure for more than one day, until I don't question what the right choice is, this is the choice that brings ME peace. This is the choice that I made a ton of years ago, and this is the choice that feels right for ME. For now.

Are you on the alt? I would love to share something with you that I won't do on here. If you are, I'll let you know how to find me if you want.

We all have our own path to walk, we all have our own decisions to make, and no one can tell you which is the right one for you, except you.

As far as H going home, let him go. Let him face the music, he may just find he doesn't like it so much. He may need to really feel the consequences of his choices, even if it hurts you right now, because he expects that people will adjust, people will get over it, and he may be right, but he may also be wrong. Either way, he has to discover that for himself.

Have a good night FG. And thank you for sharing with me and letting me share. Believe me, I need this place too.

Hey Fallgirl,

If you are commited to standing, all choices you make need to be made with the aim of bringing you closer that goal. You can then choose how long you want to stand for before reviewing that decesion. You do not need to decide if you want to separate or not today. I do not know how long I will stand for. I can do limbo to xmas. I understand MCLers often try to hook up at xmas as they miss families, many also try to leave Jan and Feb, so I am expecting movement in my sitch in some direction may occur around then. I will review after then! Thats how I approach it.

I pick up on the flip flopping in you too, and if we do, you H most definately does. If you are In, you need to project this 100%. I do not pick up the same flip flopping in say Cat or Machs posts, even though they have bad days too.

His going home is not a nail in the coffin. Its a visit home he feels like making now. Think of it like a trip to the shops he feels like making. Who knows what he will feel like doing tomorrow?!

SR, Cat

Just to clarify a few things...

I`ve no problem with H going home. In fact I`m glad of the break!

I know I`m dithering right now and I`m sure its because when H goes home he ALWAYS comes back in foul humour.I know his mother is in his ear and swinging out of him re not separating and not letting him make his own decisions and I know he blames me for that.

Going home just sets him back.

I find the sheer HATE so difficult to live with especially at times like that.

I knew to stay out of his way last night. I did greet him and said DS had said SIL was expecting a baby. I got a grunt in return. Enough to know not to push my luck with his humour.

So I did the best thing for me-1 1/2 hrs of yoga and meditation. H kept coming into the room-to get this or that-but really I feel he just was angling to get at me. At one point his foot tipped my arm(no not quite a kick) just a little threat thing that he seems to need to do. I just ignored it.

I`m telling you, he`s steaming.It may be his way of pushing me to move on S. Honestly, its tempting.

No point in going there with my therapist or anyone else-they think I should call it quits.

Just have DB keeping me in it. Appreciate your efforts!

DS told me that MIL said next time they`re going down I have to go down too... what a message to give the kid! Glad she doesn`t phone me anymore

Cat, was is `the alt`?

Thats right, the home thing is the set back for your H. Maybe he at least is working through his childhood stuff slowly? Will think about this!

The alt is Facebook. Lots of people there.

FG -

Just saying hi - I have been reading along. You still sound like you are doing well with all that is going on around you!