Haven't we been over this ground? There is no puzzle here. W had space in her R with OM to be a sexual being and she felt sexy with him. W does not have space in her R with you to be a sexual being and she does not feel sexy with you.
A big part of this is probably because of her, because of how women are raised and socialized in this country. It is very difficult for a woman to hold onto her authentic sexuality while being in a wife/mother role. Part of it is probably how you interact with her and your expectations/vision of her to which she feels compelled to conform. Your choice last year to bring rubber ducks, the kind without built-in vibrators, to a planned love-in says a lot. This is old ground. I know I've written you many long posts about this sort of thing. Maybe you'd be more open to hearing what they say if you go back and read them again.
As for being too accommodating, that isn't going to help her, your M, you, or your sex life. As for doing it to make her happy, it won't work. As for pouting about this previous choice of yours and waiting for payback, it is unbecoming. Read PM if you want a better way to live.
As for her weight, how big a factor that is has a lot to do with you and how you treat her as well. If she feels that you find her to be a desirable sexual being with a sexually attractive body who genuinely makes you hot, her weight will be far less of a hindrance. This should not be too hard for you to understand. Are there people around whom you feel comfortable with your prosthetic leg and other people with who you feel self-conscious? Part of this is you, but part of it is how they respond to you and what their R with you is like.
I’ve been following your sitch on and off for a while now and I thought I would comment now as I can see some similarities with what I’ve been through recently.
I have been in piecing for about a year and a half now and although W and I are doing ok the intimacy hasn’t returned to the extent I hoped it would have. I think I am a bit further on than you as W and I share the same bed and do enjoy cuddles before going to sleep, but it wasn’t always like that.
When we first started piecing I was hoping for the sex to return immediately but it didn’t, I pursued a bit, and it put her off . I set up certain romantic scenario’s (eg trip to paris) and W would just see these as a rouse for me to get sex and would back off even more (a bit like your DB 2 step).
Anyway what I do now is just enjoy the relationship I have with W, everything is ok except the sex, (just like in your case). Now I don’t chase the sex we just relax in each others company, at bed time we cuddle, if my “little man” pops W does not pull away as I don’t try to put him anywhere he’s invited . Even up to a few weeks ago if he had raised his ugly head, W would have jumped out of the bed but now she tolerates him. How do I survive, well lets just say the internet is my friend.
Just to digress like your previous posters, my W suppressed a lot of her sexuality and kept it hidden from me. I too thought she was naďve, shy and not experienced but when I found out some of the things she got up to with OM, I as the others did feel very cheated. Some of the things I begged for and was denied was given away to someone else without a minutes thought. I did get a few weeks glimpse of it but then she went back to her normal ways. I could go on and on but I just wanted to say if W isn’t ready to restotre that side of you M, no amount of persuading from you will make it happen. But if you want to be patient and wait (I know it’s been a long time now) then that’s what you’ll have to do, and hopefully the good times will come back.
I hear ya; it's been pretty much the same here except the sleeping arraignments if you know what I mean.
Bad news good news. (Not R wise)
Today I was stuck at the store. My jeep would not start. Called AAA and they came out and tested the battery and found that I had a dead cell. $125.00 to get home with a new battery..
The good news? It happened now not in the middle of nowhere Oregon or Washington... Wife is friendly but quiet today. That's normal though she is so fricken moody. OT, I have bought wife sex toys before and her first reaction is ‘I will never use that” but then again they seem to have disappeared…..That is why I tried the rubber ducky approach. Anyway there is an “adult book store” in the next town. I was thinking about maybe picking up some Adult board game. I am leavening next Thursday before she gets home. I was thinking about wrapping it up and leaving it on her bed with a note that says… something like.
Here is a little “Ice breaker” for when I get back. Read the directions so you can teach me how to play.
What do you think?
Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
"Here is a little “Ice breaker” for when I get back. Read the directions so you can teach me how to play."
I would HATE that.
Sorry Doc but I agree with OT on this one.
Doc, from my experience anything you do at the moment which suggests sex is going to push her away.
Best you can do is keep looking after youself, keep looking good and just work with the R that you have with your W now. To built on that if you are taking care of yourself and other people compliment you that is more likely to turn W's head or bring her closer to you.
We are not ganging up on you, but a definite no to the game. If you had a truly intimate relatiionship, it would be a different story.
An ice breaker for me would be a nice meal I did not have to cook, my favorite wine, and a sweet romantic dvd... I would not make a big production out of it. No candles or anything, you want it to be subtle, but nice.
Sit by her on the couch. Hold her hand, rub her feet, rub her shoulders (not all at one sitting, pick one she likes)...Just don't act like you expect anything in return. Woo her, fill her wine glass up. Yes, I know you have tried so many different things, but if you are still trying, these are some things that many women would like.
Otherwise, I think you may have to go ahead with the detaching and sticking to it. Maybe even some distance from her would be good for you. I'm not sure what route you are heading down. Sometimes I read you have told her it's over and then other times you are talking about the adult game, so I thought I would make a couple of suggestions.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Don't worry Yoyo I would not take it as ganging up on me. I know you all have your own opinions on your own life experiences and are giving me good inputs. I give up/ like I said before I got side tracked on what I thought was OT suggestion but I guess I was wrong. Like I said I give up and as I said in the email I am at the cross roads (again) and the fricken ball is in her court. SHE needs to open up, SHE needs to make suggestions. I am afraid I am where my wife must have been before she had the affair. The only difference is I am telling her this is where I am. Will I make the same decicions she did? I can honestly not tell you. I don’t know what will happen She can NOT say”I did not know that’s how you feel”I am giving her what I wanted.. A chance.. Lanzo you are more of a man than me. I have ‘settled’ for the last 5 years; even before the Affair I was not happy but I did say “for better or worst”... I am tired of playing by the rules and as much as I am not a very religious person I know God knows what I have been through and I hope in the end I am forgiven for the mistakes I made and for the ones I may be making.. This time next week I will be gone. NOT thinking about tomorrow. Yoyo I did the dinners, I did the floweres
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
