No one forced me all those years to do with out and cater to my H's evey whim. Although I would like to think he did... that was my choice. I have to own that. I guess without realizing it I thought if he got everything he wanted at some point he would realize what a GREAT wife I was and see how much I loved him and he would love me back.
I tried the same thing. "Acts of Service" must not be my W's Love Language. It's a book you can buy. The Five Love Languages. You should read up on those.
In fact, in my case, the past three years the more I did to help the more resentful she grew. Finally, one day she said I didn't help out of love, but because I was trying to make her so dependant on me that she couldn't divorce me.
I went to a marriage rebuilders class and learned that what I'd been doing was really trampling all boundaries in the marriage. I was Mr. Great Husband, look at how good I am, and she was supposed to be grateful. Turns out, I'd have been better off asking for some ground rules and if she wanted to be responsible for dinner and cleaning then I should have let her EVEN IF dinner was late and the cleaning wasn't done. I needed to let her ask me rather than just do it. I ruined her self worth.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Sorry, I didn't notice the name change I thought you had disappeared! I mean, you posted to me, under the new name, but I didn't put it together....thought someone else was posting to me! Sorry...
I will try to get those transcripts from the interview. I 'tried too hard' for my H all these years, too...
Sorry... guess I was throwing a little tantrum with the name change, I felt like I was pretty much invisible to who ever I posted to. Being here so long and not getting much feedback will do that to you
Anyway... there is not much new to tell in my sitch. Well there is but it really probably does not mean much. More of H just trying to hang on. He did call a christian counselor to set up marriage counseling for us though so I will give it a shot.
I do not have much hope that it will change anything. My H needs IC, before MC will do anything for us. I do not think his heart is in this at all... I think he is doing it to show me how much he is trying.
BBJ, thanks for posting here... I don't think you see it, but your H and mine are so similar they could be the same person. I have let this go on so long I hope you do not do the same.
Mat, I seriously wish I could figure out a way to contact you away from here. How are you doing? Are you all setteled? Have computer access at home yet?
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
No one forced me all those years to do with out and cater to my H's evey whim. Although I would like to think he did... that was my choice. I have to own that. I guess without realizing it I thought if he got everything he wanted at some point he would realize what a GREAT wife I was and see how much I loved him and he would love me back.
I tried the same thing. "Acts of Service" must not be my W's Love Language. It's a book you can buy. The Five Love Languages. You should read up on those.
In fact, in my case, the past three years the more I did to help the more resentful she grew. Finally, one day she said I didn't help out of love, but because I was trying to make her so dependant on me that she couldn't divorce me.
I went to a marriage rebuilders class and learned that what I'd been doing was really trampling all boundaries in the marriage. I was Mr. Great Husband, look at how good I am, and she was supposed to be grateful. Turns out, I'd have been better off asking for some ground rules and if she wanted to be responsible for dinner and cleaning then I should have let her EVEN IF dinner was late and the cleaning wasn't done. I needed to let her ask me rather than just do it. I ruined her self worth.
First time I read this thread and I read this post and it sounds EXACTLY like what I did. I treated him like a KING..hoping he would see just how lucky he was. But I honestly think it just pushed him away further, as he resented me because he just couldn't reciprocate those feelings. Seems now my husband is suffering from self esteem and self worth problems as well....
I do not have much hope that it will change anything. My H needs IC, before MC will do anything for us. I do not think his heart is in this at all... I think he is doing it to show me how much he is trying.
I hope that these are all things you intend to bring up during your MC appointment. Hold his feet to the fire. If he's serious he'll take the heat - if he's not then you'll know it right away and not waste more of your time and endure more heartache then what you have already been through.
Funny, after about 6 weeks of MC post-bomb (but still mid-affair), the MC looked at H and said, "We can't make any more progress here until YOU go to IC to work on YOU. Until you resolve your own issues, there is nowhere to go in the MC"...
That is the thing about DBing. They may come back to the table to work on the M in some manner or another but until they are willing to do some hard, close introspection, the pattern will just repeat! (In my experience...)
