Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Wife wants best of both worlds

As an update, my state of mind is somewhat improved. I have developed a list of goals for myself that include self-improvement and "GAL" ideas. I am being very stringent with the visitation schedule and refuse to back down. She has asked me to do semething with her and the kids this weekend. I told her I was not available. Although I do want to be with her again, even with all the hurt she as caused, I figure if she wants a D, then I am going to act like we are D.

Another thing I am doing is being very positive, especially when we are doing the kid exchange. I greet her with a big hello and smile but refrain from talking to her too much. I have not received much of a reaction fom her with any of this (she is still pretty indifferent)but it feels good to be positive.

On another note, tomorrow is our anniversary. Not sure how to handle this one. Suggestions??

Hello,

I am in need of some advice.

My W and I are in the pre-liminary stages of divorce. As part of this, we are doing most of the work ourselves (parenting plan, settlement, etc) to help us avoid hurt feeliings and to minimize costs. I have been working on refinancing the house, which is a big and costly step, so I called her today to make sure this is what she wants to do. After talking awhile, she mentioned she had doubts about the divorce, but did not know how to act on those doubts. She also mentioned she hated what the family has become and that she missed me. She actually said she likes missing me...not sure what the hell that means.

I told her if there are doubts about the divorce then we should at least explore what that means and if anything can be done to stop what has become a broken family. She is supposed to call me tonight so we can further discuss this. I am guessing she will not be willing to do to much so I am trying to keep my expectations low. In any case, I could use some advice on how to deal with this situation....and fast. Thanks.

Welcome to the club. I never knew how hard being separated would be. I'd love to just to go NC with my W for the next month, but I see my kids every day after school, the W has a stressful job and asks me to take them extra nights, go home to see them when she's going to be late, etc. I love my girls so extra time is precious -- but it does make it hard to move on.

The thing I'm trying to stop doing is any extraneous contact -- no texts or calls unless it specifically has to do with the girls.

Weird thing is it's turning out to be harder the weekends I have the girls because I keep imagining things she's doing. She was spotted a few weeks ago at the county fair with another man. She said he was just a friend and there was nothing to worry about. But to that point I'd never even thought about her being with another man.

That caused so much pain and I don't even have hard proof so I can't really imagine what you are going through.

Best advice is work on yourself. Get a book, His Needs, Her Needs. It talks about how the five top emotional needs for a man are the five bottom ones for women and the five top emotional needs for a women are the five bottom ones for a man.

And if you aren't meeting her five top needs or she isn't meeting yours, the marriage is susceptible to an affair because the needs are so strong she'll seek them outside of the marriage. You said the OM and her have some kind of connection. He's filling an emotional need that you aren't. If you can figure that out then there's no need for someone else in her life.

your story is very similar to my own. I completely understand the best of both worlds. H left 5 months ago, and he does the same thing. He wants his family time which is about 3 hours twice a week, if he feels like it, and then no contact at all between. (if you want more info everything is under Question in this forum).

I completely understand that this is hard because I am there. I can't stand it and H lives about 1.2 miles away. I feel like he has moved on without either of us and is having fun and it bothers me.

What I have found that helps me is just go out. Go out and reconnect with old friends, watch a movie, take the kids somewhere they have never been, so many other things. Get busy and just do instead of think. It does not always work because usually once a week or one and a half weeks I have two or three bad days where all I do is think about him and her, but it gets better all the time and usually it is for less time and is less hurtful because I now know I can do it on my own and can be happy without H, although I truly believe I would be happier with H if he chooses to leave OW.

I am really new at this, and when I read about your son's birthday, it is the day before my son's and almost the same thing happened to me. Honestly everything sounds exactly the same.

I really hope you can find some peace. Start focusing on making you happy is all I can say. It will come slowly.

Well, we had our conversation last night...

It was a nice disucssion and I did everything I could do to give the impression I was just going with the flow. She told me how scared she was about the D and how hard it has been on her to get to this point. We talked about haging out more to try to re-connect and becuase we both hate what the family has become. During this part of the discussion we figured out she was talking about hanging out more as friends where I was thinking more along the lines of working on us. I simply just said OK but then mentioned what the point would be since just hanging out as friends would do nothing to save the family. She agreed and seemed to be somewhat interested.

After all of this I told her I could only do this if there was no third party involvement. She told me she could not agree to that condition, which then put us back at ground zero. The conversation ended with her not knowing what she wants to do and that she needs sometime to think about it.

She seems to be very confused. She wants her family back and continues to say she misses me, but she seems scared to take the next step and is unwilling to stop seeing the OM.

This is definitely the point where I am except there have been no divorce papers. H says he wants the family to work, but is not willing to let go of the OW. He says it would be great is we could be friends. I have made it clear if we ever get a divorce there will be no friends because that will hurt me and confuse S.

H for a while kept saying the road to come home was nicely paved, but the road to D was a cliff and once he jumped there was no coming back. Now he feels coming home is a lot harder than expected because I have my expectations of how things would have to change concerning the OW. He does not want to do that because he is worried I have not changed. I am trying desperately to show him I have changed by holding my tongue, listening, being attentive, not criticizing, and giving him space.

Maybe focusing on you and what you can do to change yourself to make you happy is the way to go. It could make you more attractive to W and if not it will make you happy so you will be satisfied with yourself.

I really feel for you and understand exactly what you are going through.

I just don't know how it will play out in my sitch. We told the girls originally that we would try to be friends again and then see. But her attitude is so cold and matter-of-fact right now that I'm not sure how it will play out. This is the time of year she gets really stressed anyway so today I was actually happy to know I don't have to be around it and take the blame for it.

She has some deep-seated issues on happiness, boundaries, life fulfillment that she'll need to address some day. I read all these other situations where the WAS is going back and forth, saying I'm not sure, or I'm confused, inviting the LBS to spend time as a family. I don't see any of that in mine. Just cold hard determination to make it on her own.

In a way that's admirable, but I wonder if I'll ever be able to be her friend if she doesn't give me another chance.

DW,

You are doing an awesome job...keep up the good work. Your wife is missing you...that is actually a huge step and at the same time proof positive that you limited contact is having an effect on her.

So what have you started doing for yourself? You mention Gal'ing, but not what you have actually started to accomplish.

Thanks for the support. Below is a list of my personal goals and some GAL stuff.

Goals:

• Happy, active and more laid back
• Stringent adherence to Parenting Plan
• No more relationship/serious discussion again
• Detach as though there is no chance of reconcilation
• Take it day by day until end of year
• Be the best, loving parent as possible
• Do something different each week
• Be happy, not mad or obsessive
• Focus on GAL and “to do” list
• Begin dating at New Year
• Do not forget what you have learned

For GAL, I have joined a fitness club, started playing sand volleyball in a co-ed league, reading more, going out more, biking, jogging, and looking into doing some charity runs. I have some more but these are the big ones for me right now.

Just a thought--

Maybe when she says she 'likes' missing you, it is because that tells her you are still important to her? She might be more bothered if she didn't miss you, if she was interested in reconnecting anyway. Someone who is 'done' would be relieved if they didn't miss you and bothered if they did. Just my thoughts...