Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Wife wants best of both worlds

Hello-

My wife and have recently separated (about two months ago) and are working towards a legal separation. We have been having problems for about 20 months. I discovered an EA a year ago and upon my discovery was ready for a divorce. At this point she expressed a desire to fix the situation and work on us so I backed down from the divorce. We came close to being a “couple” again but never quite got there (lots or resentment). So anyway, two months ago we decided a trial separation was the next step. For the first couple of weeks things were good however; on the 4th of July we had a big argument and things have since deteriorated. A few days ago I learned she had re-established her EA (after the big argument) and has gone on several dates with him. More deception on her part was involved here so, this really open-up some old wounds.

I told her I wanted an immediate divorce as the thought of them together disgusted me. I also told her that family time (we have two children, 6 and 8) would need to be eliminated as I could not stand to be around her anymore.

Yesterday, I told her I would be willing to continue family time but only if she agreed to stop seeing the other man. I told her I partially blame him for our current situation and that I could not look myself in the mirror knowing she was seeing this guy (I refer to him as slime). She did not agree or disagree but does seem intent on continuing family time. She understands how strong my feelings are on this position so I am assuming by wanting to continue family time she has discontinued the relationship with this guy. With all the previous deception however, who knows. My problem now is that I am not sure if continuing family time is good for me. I love my children and do not want to hurt them but I am not sure if I can move on and get over her when I constantly see her. She definitely wants the best of both worlds; lots of family time to include me but, also time to herself to date and be free. She is set on separation/divorce so spending time with her seems fruitless. Help!!!

dwinter,

I'm with you on the family time issue. It may do more harm than good...particularly for the children who are probably looking for hope that you are getting back together and this is proof that you may. But I'm no child psychologist, so you might want to seek advice from a professional as far as impact on the kids.

As for your wife, obviously "slime" is an impediment to getting back together. I would assume that he is still in her life until she more definitively pursues you. I know it's a lot of on again, off again with the family time, but seriously, if she wants a separation and eventual divorce, why carry on the facade of the happy little family. I think maybe you should just tell her it feels like a sham and aren't sure it's in the kids' best interest. But that's just me.

Phoenix-

You are probably right about the assumption.

I hate the idea of not being with or at least seeing the kids everyday but I guess it is time to start thinking more about my own happiness. However, I think competely eliminating family time is a bad idea so, I am thinking about limiting it to once or possibly twice a week and see how that works.

Well, this was a terrible weekend. I found out she is still seeing the OM and will not agree to stop seeing him even if that means eliminating family time. She views the ultimatum I gave her as a form of control and she is proabably right. However, my intent is not control. How can I be around her when I know she is involved with another man? I want to continue family time for the seake of the kids but being around her is just to painful. She also wants to continue to have family time. I asked why she wants me around during those times and she stated it was "nicer" having me there.

I did a terrible job of DB this weekend as well. I entered into a R discussion with her and heard for the 100th time why we are not a good couple and why divorce is our only option. I also asked to many questions about the OM. She is now calling him "babe" and really likes him. She said they have only gone on a few dates and have not been intimate. She also mentioned she is not sure if she wants to get too serious with him as she is 12 years older and is not sure if the R will work. I am sure he flatters her and makes her feel special, something I have not been to good at. During this time she did admit she still loves me and that she is not sure what she wants (other than going out and having a good time).

I desperately want to detach and move on...

Here is a detachment trick that my therapist taught me. Look at your marriage from the "eyes" of someone else. Try to picture what you would advice "yourself" if you were not in the situation. Also, really think about what it is you want. Do you want to divorce or try to reconcile?

Also, the family time needs to stop. That is cake eating, having the best of both worlds. It may make it easier on her, but it is not easier on you, and especially not the children. It sends the children mixed messages.

If your W truly does not want the marriage, she has to suffer the consequences of giving it up, not deciding what is best for her. It has to be best for everyone.

Finally, no R discussions at all. Ever. Unless she brings it up. One of the parts of validating is to realize that, at this point, she does not want to be married to you anymore. You do have to accept that. It could change in the future, but it won't if you do not do the work and accept that at this moment, she is done.

Trust me when I say the beginning is very hard, and you will feel a lot of pain. Try to make sure you deal with these emotions because if you don't they will creep up on you.

Post here as much as you want, even if you don't get a response. I have been here a while, and don't always get a response, but if I need to vent, the folks here are good people and understand exactly what you are going through.

LolaL-

I have read some of your post in the past and I appreciate your opinion. Right now the thought of the OM is eating me alive. I start thinking about if things do work out beteeen the two of them, this guy could potentially be part of the family. Even having him meet the kids makes want to crawl out of my skin. I want to explain to her how I feel about all of this but I am certain it will not matter.

I know I need to focus on myself and the kids but this situation is just so wrong. I have been trying to validate for a while and not having much luck.

I awoke at four in the morning with visions of the two of them together and was not able to block it out. By five I was writing a email note to her trying to expain how I thought what she is and will be doing to the family is wrong. Her R with the OM is really none of my business but becuase this R impacts the family, I feel like it should be my business.

My friends have adviced me not to send such a note. In their minds if it does not have anything to do with moving on, then what is the point. I followed their advice and did not send it.

I found out about her EA about a year ago; once I found out she was remorseful and wanted to work on us. Then once we decided on a trial separation (about three months ago)she was back with him in a few weeks. Do relationships of this type usually work out?

It is a good thing you did not send that note.

No these relationships usually do not work. They are new, exciting, and usually based on sexual attraction. The "love" is not really love. These two do not know each other secrets, habits both good and bad, and how bad their farts smell because they haven't done it in front of each other yet.

At any rate, you get my point. As far as it being your business, whether it is or not is irrelevant. Can you do anything about it? Probably not.

Remember this prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Might powerful words. Memorize them, read them, and think about what they mean. Can you change her? No. Accept that. She can only change herself. Can you change you? Yes. Work on that. But don't do it for her, do it for you. Be the best you that you can be for you. If you get reconciliation out of it, that is dessert after a four course meal.

((((hugs))))

Just for the record mine smell like roses.

Hello Dwinter,

I have been separated for over 4 months and have read DB and am trying to use the tactics listed in the last resort section ---- some seem to be working a little but we both just keep heading down the same path w/o lots of change (it seems -- maybe I am missing the small stuff)

I can kinda of relate to your situation about the W wanting the best of both worlds. Mine really does not work, and is out with friends almost every night, is living in our old rental house and is setting up her new life (with out me) there. However, she does like to see me (I think) so I am really getting mixed messages from her. I guess that is why I keep trying! There is no EA as far as I can see but she has been talking to a Psychic and has been up (Washington) to see her a few times. This woman is filling my W's head with crap like telling her to leave me and get a divorce and that I was never the right man for her .... so even though she is not having an EA, she really kinda of is. I have told her that if she wants us to work that she needs to stop talking to this woman, she promised she would but I am still afraid that she is -- I really just have no way of telling and I have really tried to keep from going over to the house when she is gone and going thru her stuff.

Sorry, I got off point here, suffice to say that I feel your pain and I think LoLal has given you some good advice -- work on yourself and keep busy and try and put all of the negative stuff out of your head --- be positive and strong when you around her and what ever you do, don’t send her that letter (I say this like I am some sort of freeken expert and trust me when I say that I am not, and I have made all those mistakes and more) but I still see a light at the end of the tunnel and even if it may not be the light I hope it is today, when I get there I will be better, stronger and happier, no matter what that light turn outs to be!

Keep us posted and keep strong!

NSD