So..I was gone all weekend long and he was home every night and every day...I did mess up when I got home and we had a talk..I told him it was too hard to live day by day and I thought I got through to him..He told his friend( much older friend, never been married) that he told me it was over and that he "cared" about me as the mother of his children. My husband DID not leave the house ALL WEEKEND..if there was OW that he was in love with and he was home alone from Friday to Monday wouldn't they have found a way to be together? I do not know how in a matter of 4 months I went to being his best friend to his friend to caring about me as the mother of his children. He did agree to look into going back to school..not at first..I did not badger him I just said we need to find a solution to this mess and start looking toward the future. I had a talk with my mom and my aunt this weekend that know him very well and they think he is depressed and this is his way of running(something he has always done)..I know he hates his job..We did ML when I got home...but you can tell he was just not into it. To be expected..I really think he wanted to go with us this weekend but he could not do it. I dont know what he wants right now but he did agree to go to therapy..not with an open mind however...he said he was going to tell the therapist the same thing he told me..One day at a time! I know that it may have seemed that I was badgering yesterday but it only lasted about 30 mins. and then I went to the store and stopped for the rest of the night. So where do I go from here? I know his sister is playing a big part in all of this. He is a very stubborn man and once he has his mind made up it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to change it. I stayed upbeat and positive each time I spoke with him this weekend. I asked him if he wanted to speak to D4 and he said not right now..he said did you tell her I was on the phone..I think it was his way of detaching himself from the fact that he did not go. If there was OW would he have not found a way to be with her this weekend?? What do I do now?
Swimming...did you enjoy yourself at all this weekend away? I hope you did. I hope you did something for you, without having much to think about. You really deserve it, you've earned it.
Good, staying up beat.
Who cares why he goes to therapy? He may like it. Try it and have the attitude it's going to help and he's going to learn stuff about you as a couple and about himself too.
People do change...so do their minds. It's NEVER impossible to change yourself, and it's never impossible for someone else to change too. As well as their minds and opinions.
You need to shrink the room in your brain this OW gets to occupy. Obviously, he wasn't with her. Who cares why? He wasn't. Just move on. Move forward.
You're doing better than you think. You really are.
Tonight he started the our marriage is over bs...i tried to walk away but he kept at it..he is emotionally abusive..he said he never should have married me and the last 10 years have been miserable..and I am delusional.We did everything together..ran races..went to festivals,hiked,biked..graduated together..so many things however, I have grown tired of the bs..him calling me a bad mother, saying I ruined our credit..everything,we grew up too differently, I had a pretty normal childhood and he had a childhood I could not even imagine. he said so many horrible things to me tonight like how could I get lawyers involved he wants a dissoultion and wants to coparent..he could not even call the kids this weekend to say hi..when I asked why he did not want to his d this weekend he said because i was being manipulative..using them to feel bad. he said that he does not trust me at all..I have never cheated..never left..he could not say why he does not trust me..he said he cannot stand being around me and any woman that hears her marriage is over should get it but I am delusional and need medication..he said I have never loved him and I am selfish yet back in march we were still hugging and kissing each other..he said that he can see me with another man and that if he could find me one he would introduce me that is how done he is...he said that he wants to co-parent and if I did not agree to it then the kids will end up hating me one day..I told him to leave..I said he is done hurting me..I am serious about this..there is no marriage busting..he is never coming back..he is just done. he said our marriage is over..and I believe every word of it..to say he wants to introduce me to other men and to say he can see me with someone else..he is done. no saving this..now what???
I swear it is like i am living with a 16 year old..granted it is 2am..but i went downstairs he was sleeping but coherent..I had to turn the air on...he jumped up and said you hate me..why he cares I dont know..I said I dont like the way you are acting right now..I said how about you talk to my mom and we will try to hash this out in counseling..which btw he said he was only going to to get it through that this m was over..I said you better remember what you agreed to in the morning..it is no wonder why he has me on the edge of a nervous breakdown..it could be different when he wakes up!
Swimming.... It's all script. You are not the first woman to hear this crap from her H and women have said the same crap to their H's too.
My H told me "I wish you could meet someone who could take care of you so I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore." I was so shocked, I stared laughing. When I was able to speak again, I told him "Be very very careful what you wish for. And truth be told, I've never needed anyone to take care of me except my mother."
At this point in time, could you kick his ungrateful ass out? Could you stand up to him and put his ass out? He deserves it. You don't deserve any of this.
The next time he attacks you as a mother....you put your hand up and you tell him "Attack me as a wife all you want. Say you never loved me, and continue to make up crazy lies in your head about our marriage. I won't stop you. BUT you will NOT say a bad word about me as a mother. I will stop you there. I will defend myself." Say nothing else. And stand firm on that line.
He starts in about the marriage being over let him. Listen to all of it. Take notes. Validate him.
If you can't do this, GET YOUR KEYS AND LEAVE THE HOUSE.
You are more in control than you want to give yourself credit for.
He starts in about the marriage being over let him. Listen to all of it. Take notes. Validate him.
If you can't do this, GET YOUR KEYS AND LEAVE THE HOUSE.
You are more in control than you want to give yourself credit for.
I agree with all you say, but he's got a drinking problem and I suspect much of what he says is not just typical WAS blather, but also alcohol-induced. I don't see any point to listening to drunk-speak, taking notes, or validating on that. I'd ask him to stop and if he doesn't then leave the house.
I think since your H sounds out of control, even more important for you to be in control and set boundaries and maintain them.
I attend Codependants Anonymous. My husband is a different kind of addict but the patterns are similar. Mine is "addicted to rage" sounds silly but they get adrenaline in their veins and it takes over their mouths just like alchohol. Please get some help if he drinks. This will help you gain sanity.
See..I brought up law school and possibly the fact of him going out..he said you know the marriage is over..and proceeded from there. Yes. He had about 6 beers at that point. So yes. That is the time I always hear this. It does not matter. I feel lost and hopeless. I think he has his mind made up and NO ONE can change it.
