She regularly comes into my "office" (or whatever this room of mine is - library, music room, computer room, workshop) to chat when she gets home, for a few minutes. Then goes off to do whatever she's going to do. Funny that she seeks me out.
Always temped to go out and watch TV with her. Tonight I just stayed put, reading. Again, not sure which is the 180.
Always temped to go out and watch TV with her. Tonight I just stayed put, reading. Again, not sure which is the 180.
I'm glad you didn't. I think you should spend time at home, work on projects, read, spend time on your music.Most importantly do stuff with your kids. I wouldn't be her best buddy. Polite but detached. I think if you do too much stuff like watching TV with her and chatting, it sends the message that you're ok with what she's doing and will continue to provide her emotional support. Which if she divorces you ultimately, I hope you would not do.
Re: the sleeping I went through that also. I noticed on days I exercised I usually slept better. If that's true for you, maybe you could try to take a walk with the boys after work or bike or something like that?
Yes, the exercise does tend to help, I need to keep that up. This new drug (Restoril) did a better job last night. Googled it, doesn't look like something to I can use long-term.
Anyway, felt a little more well-rested today. Didn't feel sick to my stomach for once this morning. A little nudge towards normal.
I understand the detachment. It's neccessary to stay sane and to stop pursing.
She's detaching too though. Not crying any more, not saying she's sad, etc. I'm giving her space. We're not supporting each other as we were.
I need to figure out my next steps. Just thinking today, I'm not going to get her to change her mind by just ignoring her, am I? And by doing the dishes and laundry... although that does seem to make an impact on her.
I know, PMA, make attract her by attitude, all that stuff. Last time, trying to create a fun, positive environment in the home went a long way.
I know I need to be patient, I know it's a marathon. I'm not sure right at this moment though I have a plan other than get myself on my feet, spent time with my kids.
It feel to me that the more I detatch, the more we mark time as we slip toward the D being final.
Is it more effective to leave her alone, not talk to her too much, than it is to be around and create positive feelings, since she's somewhat open to it?
She said that she's felt lonely in the marriage. Do I make her feel more lonely? She's already reached out to friends - she's GALing.
So I guess I need to GAL too, that's it. I need to get happy independent of her.
Bill, What about your music? Have you played lately? Can you go somewhere like a free concert w your kids or friends from work? I too am trying hard to think of the things I always used to love & enjoy to GAL now. I just keep trying to look for stuff to do - not always easy. Stay strong, you are doing great! Sending positive thougths your way, LFA
Here's the deal with the music. I've got a little two-man acoustic band, with a sometimes 3rd person.
In 2008, we performed weekly for aobut 6 months, running an "acoustic night" at a local place, where we did most of the playing. Stopped that about a year ago.
We've performed twice since - My wife asked for our 10th wedding anniversery in June for use to have a backyard party, and for us to play. The other time was the 4th of July, at a friend's bash.
We've talked for a long time about getting back out there and performing reguarly, getting some gigs, but it's been hard with as busy as we've both been. But it's crossed my mind that this fall might be a good time to push it.
What this does amount to is, every Thursday, we have practice, so I get out of the house and play.
By band buddy is single. He's got a 5-bedroom house packed with music gear. Just bought himself a new Gibson - always accumulating things. But - my other thought is, he's always going out watching people play. he has, and me somewhat by association, attched himself to the local music scene. So, I've thought about tagging along, but haven't caught him at a good time yet. So yes, that's something I've thought of.
There are free outdoor concerts around here - I've got another buddy who's in a local band that does some of these, actually. But yeah, that's a good idea LFA. I did a search a few weeks ago when I had the kids alone, but didn't find anything that particular day.
Come to think of it, I've got another group of friends that formed a band and is playing out - come to think of it, I made a lot of friends during that time we were playing, sort of a local music community.
Ah so tonight - got home, W had made chili and was making cookies. I guess she'd had a trying day, was doing OK though. But she said "It's really good to see you." So I gave her a brief hug. Not a needy clinging hug, just a "glad to see you too" hug.
She's visiting a friend this weekend who has just given birth, and is planning on taking the rest of the chili with her. When I said (jokingly) I wanted her to leave it - my chili - she said, "well, you do come first..."
Also said she was grateful for what I was doing with the kids - I took them for a walk tonight.
Had some teasing too. She said that she only had that brown whole wheat flour for cookies so they didn't look right, I said, "yeah they don't smell right." She gave me that "I can't believe you said that" look and we laughed.
And other stuff like that.
I still don't understand what's going on in her head.
On the up side, I'm feeling progresively better. Had good PMA tonight. I don't feel horrible.
Guys, as I wrote this post, I realized there's some intimate stuff in here, so just warning, if that's a problem for anyone. -----
I'm amazed by how much better I've felt the last couple of days. Maybe the AD kicked in; maybe the new sleeping pills; maybe my resiliance has just kicked in. The obsessive thinking about the situlation has diminished a little, I'm less distracted.
So this morning before I left for work, W held out her hand for me to help her up and she gave me a hug. I'll take that as a positive sign. She also commented on how much weight I've lost, which seems to worry her.
This wasn't needy on either part, it just happened. Last night was good too, as I posted. After dinner she spent most of the night in the bath or something; locked herself in the master bedroom for most of the night and then went to bed.
So here's the damn thing - yeah, dreams of making out with her last night, making me wake up wanting that.
W has always made a point of telling me that she's attracted to me, wanted me in a deep and hungry way. I am less demonstrative.
I guess I should come clean on this, although I find it embarassing. So, yeah, going to post it on the internet. Whoo hoo! I was diagnosed a few years ago with low testosterone, and I apply daily medication for it. But, without going into detail, this is much of what has made our intimate life seem like "work" to my wife. We've made it work, sure, but my drive is inconsistant, and hers is strong. My W said recently, I'm not attacted to her, and she's felt rejected.
Anyway, our intimate life for the last several months prior to the bomb was regular and pretty good, but when I said this, she said that is just scratched the surface of her needs.
So, when I said in our one therapy session that I have sex dreams about her, she commented on that later, like she was curious about it. I wonder if I tell her aobut my recent dreams, if that's pursuing, or if that's a 180. When I've let her know in other ways of my desire for her (beacuse just touching her, sometimes watching her...) she's said she doesn't know whether to laugh or be mad.
She's commented too on how she misses sex.
I'm wondering how to piece this all together.
Sorry guys, that's a lot of personal detail, just kind of came out.
Wow - my sisters just sent me an email that I need to take my W to court, paint her as mentally unstable, get custody of the kids. Man, they're pissed off.
Yeah, if anyone's wondering - seeking support from family has big pitfalls.
Well, my established with my band buddy that it's my intention to hang out with him as much as he'll have me, since he's got the local music scene down. He's agreeable. Good friend.
Seems like I should have more than one close friend. Well, he's the only one from the crowd in our 20's that stayed single. Everyone else has their own lives.
So he mentioned that Crosby, Stills, and Nash is in town in September. Yeah, really heistated on that one. But sure, why not.
Well, will see what's up this weekend. I've got the boys for part of the weekend, then taking them to the in-laws.
Speaking of which, got a email from my mother-in-law about how devisated they are, and they'll always think highly of me. That was really nice. I replied and said, they're always going to be family.
