Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Help - Husband in MLC

Although the general opinion on these boards is GAL, 180's, and that sort of thing, I am going to suggest a different school of thought on this particular situation. And I do NOT think you should stop doing those things but.....

It sounds like,when you got sick, your H was faced with losing the person who managed his life while he LIVED. You realized as well that you had not been LIVING in the way that you wanted (are you sure?) and started doing it. My first question is how much did you talk to him about what YOU had experienced, what you learned about yourself? Or did you just start living and expect that it would not make him wonder why the change? It sounds like he was faced with a fear of losing you, then felt like he was losing you and he started to question himself about everything. I am by no means saying you are responsible for this, but I can see fear written all over his behavior. What would he do without you? How would he live? Could he survive? And how responsible is he for your unhappiness (possibly how he believes that you feel about your former life) because he let you take care of everything? Just observations based on what you wrote.

The key thing is wierd and I do think you might want to try to investigate a little because he isn't simply going to fess up to OW, even if the proof is staring him in the face. Do you have an extra set?

Keep posting, everyone here is wonderful.

Hi thank you for your ideas on my situation it puts another perspective on it. When I got sick I realised how quickly a life can be taken without warning. We had some discussions prior to surgery about my feelings at that point and I tried to talk to him after about my fear that I would die during surgery (which were valid as I had a reaction to the drugs and stopped breathing) his reaction was to say that it was silly to think like that. The day of my surgery, the hospital couldn't even contact him as he decided to go jetskiing, I did resent this when I found out.

I am sure he felt a fear of losing me, but he has never been one to really express his feelings (he came from a family who were very far from loving). I did talk to him about changes I wanted to make so we could enjoy life more, with less stress, he was receptive to these ideas and was contributing to these changes, but then it all started to go wrong. I also know that his new job (since Sept 08) has been very stressful, very long hours and a lot of travelling to and from home each day. Just to add to all this he had a friend his age commit suicide about 5 weeks ago, he didn't even tell me, I found out through friends.

He has always had a great deal of freedom to come and go as he pleases, I have never complained and never asked him to do anything. He did though have to be around more when I came out of hospital as I could not do much for six weeks. He says he now wants more freedom, most of his friends have never married or are divorced and I believe he sees their lives as more exciting. He doesn't want to have to tell me when he will be home etc. the silly thing is, he never has had to, I have never asked and never expected him to.

Tonight leaving dinner I heard him telling our friends that his business trip recently was just one big party, out all night, only a few hours sleep. This hurt me deeply. He is the fun loving, happy go lucky person in front of friends but then I get the sulky individual who won't even look at me.

But each time recently he has gone away, he says going home after work to an empty house with no one waiting is depressing, he missed me, our D and our pets. He says there is so much love in our house, but then seems to want to reject it all.

I just find it all so confusing.

He keeps the spare key in his car. I don't like to snoop but I think for my own sanity I am going to have to on this occasion. The key thing started the other night when I went to pick it up to drive to the shops for milk, he grabbed it and said he would drive me as he thought I might do something silly (like deliberately hurt myself, which I would never do I am). I told him to forget it as I was capable of driving myself. I didn't get to the shops and he has since hidden the key each night.

Sorry the reply is so long but I really have no one else to talk to about all of this and it is so good to finally be able to release everything.

Do not apologize for the length of your reply. It actually helps make the picture a little clearer for those reading.

I too was very sick so that is something that I can relate to and when I was going through it, I really tried to put myself in H's position simply because he is not very wordy and I was not sure how he was feeling.

Most of the time there is something that sort of triggers this stuff and personally, I found it was easier for me to react differently and understand H as I came to more of an understanding of how he might be feeling and why. Main reason I brought it up.

I understand about the snooping and you might find something that is going to hurt you but sometimes it is important to have a clear picture. So I am always on the fence with that one, unlike some people. You might want to read the MLC resources if you haven't already because there is a ton of good information over there.

Thanks Cat04, can I ask how you reacted differently. Last night he actually slept in the middle of the bed which he hasn't done in ages and didn't have his arms folded, even lightly rested his arm against me, still not getting too excited or reacting about any small changes as I do not want to jeopardise anything.

He has just left for work and was hanging around me like he wanted to say something or give me a hug just before he went, he gave me a kiss and said see you tonight. His job means six long days a week leaving him one day to purusue hobbies and I am the one getting the blame for his lack of freedom. Why do they do this, blame the innocent party. He is constantly tired and I think more so since his trip away.

He left his car key lying around last night, I was tempted but part of me said to resist that just yet.

I am a very placid person and so is my H, we have never argued, we have had disagreements but not arguments.

I started reading DB last night without him seeing so I stayed up late. Funny he said at about 10pm last night "I am going to bed" and looked at me, I said okay. Normally I would have followed but I didn't I stayed up later as I wanted to read.

I have found a lot of good info on this site and each day I still seem to find more.

I have great hope for us, but I know it will be a slow process and as much as I want to hurry things, I know for success I have to be patient but it is so hard.

My H is at work and has emailed me the following.


"We need to talk and I find that currently I can talk more freely and openly through email or other.

You are right in saying that of late we have forgotten to have fun together, and do the silly things that can provide laughter and fun in a relationship. I have tried of late to come back into the relationship, but find I can’t. To say that hurts me deeply.

I have the greatest respect for you as a friend, wife, lover and mother. I think that things have just gone on so long that they are no longer recoverable. I have tried to commit to us, but struggle to do so. I think that this has been happening for a longer period of time than of just recent.

You deserve someone who will love you and give you that deep love in return. You thrive on a relationship of commitment and time sharing. It saddens me that I can no longer do this.

What I wish for may sadden you, but I hope you find love with someone who will worship you and support you to a higher financial level than I have been able to. You are a beautiful women who has a lot to offer in every area and you deserve better.

I have become a very selfish person, and don’t know what I want from life. I have also distanced myself from other friends and also the jet ski family. Not removed them, just getting some distance and time alone. I feel that I have always been a bit of a loner, but have really become a loner of late. Not really enjoying anybody’s company, other than my own. This could be the worst decision I have ever made, but I can’t keep coming home and not talking or committing to you. I just can’t keep It up, and you deserve better.

I don’t think I can or will change this lack of commitment to us.

You can keep the money from the house, as I only want some to be able rent a unit or similar and to get me started. I am sure that "he had his male friends name here" will be a support for me in the short term and your friends for you. They are good people, but just on a different wave length and mind set to me. But that is me and not you or them.

I am deeply sorry, but you do deserve better. I hope you understand and can stand strong.

Bub"

How on earth do I respond when he comes home today? What is my next move? PLEASE HELP

Did you ever find out if he had someone else?

No, I haven't yet, but I really don't think there is. I have the spare key to the car now which is where he keeps his mobile, but I have not gone that far yet.

I just don't know how to respond, this is all happening so fast and I haven't had time to learn enough of how to handle it without getting it completely wrong.

The less said right now, the better.

If he pushes say something like, "I got it, and read it. I need some time to digest it."

Based on his letter, I would say there's almost certainly someone else.

I would not respond to the letter. I'm an old-fashioned guy; to do this in e-mail is chickenshit, pure and simple.

Puppy

Thank you Puppy yes I thought it was a bit cowardly and low.

He has arrived home from work, acting as though nothing is wrong, made me a cup of tea, my stomach is churning and my heart is thumping but I am trying to remain calm.