Met some friends out for a live r&b jam lastnight. Not my usual genre, but it was fun. Walking back to my car, I met a man. He's pretty handsome and we had a nice repore in a brief conversation. I realized how awkward the whole idea of meeting someone is for me. I went immediately from xh to bf way b4 scars could heal. It just worked out that way - I wouldn't have ordered that but there he was. The past 6 months that I've been alone, I just haven't even considered meeting someone. Having a conversation with this guy lastnight was so uncomfortable for me. It makes me feel like I'm cheating just to be near a man. For some reason it hurt. And it makes me want to be with Mark more than ever. Even though we had a few laughs and a fairly interesting conversation, I went to my car & cried. I don't mind moving forward in other aspects, but when it comes to dating, I just can't do it. I'm stuck waiting for the man I love to decide that love is more important than pride and that we still have a lot of potential for happiness together. It's pathetic that 6 months after he walks out I still want to remain loyal & true to him when it's clear that he wishes to stay resolved to his decision to leave the relationship. I am holding a rope with nothing on the other end. I love him. I want to be with him. I am doing my best to focus on the right things, but I have not yet let go of him. Why is that such a scary prospect? I'm holding nothing, so why can't I let go of nothing? I don't know. I just don't understand the extent of what I'm going through here.
You know, I am in a different position in the fact that I am literally starting over. I thank God for my family and friends that are putting up with me living with them right now. But the mere thought of setting up a house and then having someone in my life? No. Not now.
And yet I hate being alone.
I think we are scared when we are just not ready. I am not, you are not, and even though they are for different reasons, the time will come when the fear is not there anymore. A break up is painful, and with that comes the fear that if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable again, that a) our spouse/bf will come back, or b) that we will get hurt again.
The only time you should worry about dating again is when you are done, and when you don't hurt anymore.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
thx ladies. Guess it does boil down to that for the most part.
This has been one of my lower point days. My LL sent me a nasty email stating that I am not well liked in the neighborhood or by any of her tenants and she shares everyone else's opinion. This is just unnecessary and stupid of her. It came at a really bad time and I am feeling very dumpy right now. I happen to have made a several friends in the neighborhood. And if she's referring to the tenant that pooped on the roof of my sunroom, then it's not a very big surprise! Meanwhile he's been telling me she's wicked and evil. She actually said "all" her tenants have said they don't like me. I don't really believe that, yet I'm sitting here thinking over the last 4 yrs and wondering what did I ever do that would make anyone dislike me!? I know there was some resentment and suspicion of me when I first moved in. 4 yrs ago I was the only white woman on the block at the time. But I've been friendly, I've minded my own business, and I think I'm pretty well accepted now. I just can't imagine who doesn't like me or why. I know she's just being vicous and it's probably not valid, but it's bugging me out. I really like the neighborhood. I can't imagine who in the hood doesn't like me, or why.
That's so unnecessary and useless of her. Not to mention dumb, cuz that doesn't look good for her!
Moving is always tough. You have to start over. But it'll be in a better place that you can make your own. It'll all work out with a little elbow grease.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
O for pete's sake. She emailed again. She's vicous and nasty. I will not respond again. Now she she says she's sure I've left a trail of disgruntled landlords. She says no LL would ever consider me a good tenant by any stretch. She can't wait for me to get out of her bldg. She says she takes a lot of pride in her properties and anyone who sees them would know that. {Just not anyone who lives in them!} She said she'll see me in court and I can save all the complaints for that day. She also said that she believes my dogs have gone out on the sunporch roof and pooed, and that it's not from the tenant upstairs. {That would mean the dogs opened & closed the screen, stood on a angled and corrugated surface and pooped right out on the edge without falling off. Absurd! They would poop in the house b4 they'd do something like that! And in fact did just that this a.m.} This situation is so unbearable. I'm turning 50 next wk. I want a new apt. for my birthday. This just has to end. I'm at my wits end. She also said I brought in too much furniture. ?! WTH is that all about. I think that's proof that she snooped around in here cuz I've been piling up everything I don't want into the downstairs family room and it's quite a mess and very cramped. I have my guest room furniture there, I still have the furniture belonging to the roommate I had committed to the pschyc hospital, and now all the furniture that I'm hoping to sell before moving. So that comment seems too random and weird, and I think it's evidence that she was in my apartment the other day leaving the footprints when she came up from basement. That's totally messed up. She's really driving me nuts! I have never been on bad terms with a LL b4 this. Yet she is making it seem like I'm the worst tenant in the world. All because I reported bldg code & fire code violations that she refused to correct. I'm venting here. It has nothing at all to do w/ dbing. In fact this situation is preventing me from pma, gal, & 180's that I should be working on.
On another note. I just got a facebook message from a man I dated nearly 25 yrs ago. He was younger than me, which wasn't working for me at the time. I've sometimes wondered whatever became of him. He's a producer and travels to developing nations and has been all over the globe. He spends a lot of time in NYC cuz he's shooting something in the west village. He'll be here late sept for a few months and wants to link and catch up. I am so surprised he found me, my last name is Johnson - it can't have been easy. Anyway, that was fun. It will be nice to see him after all this time has passed. We'll most likely have a lot of laughs remembering those days. Something to look forward to. It will be fun. It's strange how modern technology has the ability to bring people together again. People that you thought you'd never see or hear from again. Pretty interesting. It's provided me with many floating thoughts today. Like about time passing. And what I might be doing in the next 20yrs, and what if that's the next time I hear from Mark.... And lots of random thoughts like that. It makes me think I need to be much happier than I am right now. Life in my 20's, no pressure - little responsiblities. Blue skies forever and the future full of hope. How did I get here? Stressed out, broke, broken hearted... again. I think the new apartment and turning 50 is going to have to be a big turning point for me. I'm going to take the deadbeat dad to family court once and for all and get some child support. AAAck. One step at a time. Task at hand, FIND AN APARTMENT. Where is my apartment hiding?! It's time for a new leaf. I don't want to be in emotional limbo, in apartment hel#. {pause} Oh my. Some guy from India just passed by while I'm typing away in the window. He saw me and came in. He claims to be a holy man and he saw me that I'm not having good luck and he wanted to talk to me about it. He said your relationship is over and you are broken hearted, you are not making enough money in your business and you worry too much. To change this pattern, you must stop thinking. You are thinking too much and it's not good for you. Don't talk to much. You're telling everyone too much and it's adding to your stress. If you take a shower every day, pray to god every day, stop thinking too much, stop talking too much - then your luck is about to change. You first must be open to it. You need to sleep good at night and don't be awake thinking. Your troubles are soon over. Do as I tell you and from the 21st of Sept. all your luck is going to change very suddenly. You are lucky and your life is going to be good. Right now you are 40% unlucky and you focus too much on that. Focus on the 60%. It will grow soon and you will be happy again. You are generous to others and no one helps you. You love someone, and he doesn't love you. Your love relationship ended, you are spending too much time thinking about it. Let it go and luck will change and happiness will come back into your life. I will come back in one month. Will you remember me? I will come back to see you and you will tell me that your life has changed. Then off he went. Anyone else around here think that's awfully weird and certainly timely. I'm signing off for now, this board make me think too much & talk too much! LOL I thought it was helpful to have a place to journal and get some pearls of wisdom and encouragement. Due what just happened, I'm going to shut the computer and do something constructive. That's my bizarre experience for the day for sure.
No joke. His advice was all good. Esp. take a shower every day. LOL. Did one of you DB pals send him in? Michelle??? It looks like it could be one of your ideas. Honestly, it was so weird and random and I hope it's what I needed to snap out of the funk. 60% probably is good, but how would I know when I've been so focused on the 40%? That was just weird. It was all unsolicited. He asked me 4 questions, my age, my favorite flower, my 2nd favorite flower, and my lucky #. I answered 49, orchid {he asked how to spell}, lotus, told him the notion of a lucky # is not somehthing I ever understood - so he said some number you like, I answered 7. After that he talked all those things and then left. I was left sitting here thinking, what in the world just happened?? Everytime I remember him saying, you love someone, but he doesn't love you, I tear up. That idea never entered my head. I have always believed Marky loves me, he even said so. But clearly his notion of love is pretty different than mine or we wouldn't be where we are. So in some sense, I do love him differently than he loves me. That was a reality that I hadn't really considered and it hurts. That's the pain that's been hiding - the fear that he doesn't. I'll never forget how I felt the world was pulled out from under me when my xh said ILYBINILWY. It was a stabbing horrible pain. And now it's possible Mark doesn't love me also. Ouch. Oh jeez, I'm thinking too much again.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I used to think so. But now I think she's a nut! I am over the "you aren't liked in the neighborhood comment." But the "and you brought in too much furniture for an apartment" is just off the wall. I didn't know there was a quota on furniture!
I am trying to focus on the 60% today. I haven't shared my troubles with anyone and didn't let my thoughts spin to cause further stress. I took a shower. :-D I have already been chanting the Hayatri everyday and sometimes to Krshna and I think that counts as praying to god. I'm covered for today. I know I'd begun to think I can't find an apartment, and that's not the right frame of mind. I should be thinking, I will find the right apartment. Otherwise I'm sending a powerful mental message that I can't so then I won't. Dangerous thinking. I got very excited about a lead on an apartment in the city near my store & D's school. The guy said it's HUGE. It was about 400 sq ft., his description of high ceilings meant maybe 9 ft. One bedroom so small it would only fit a bed and it was raliroad style - meaning you have to walk thru one room to get to the next. Ugly linoleum tiles throughout. It's $2650. plus utilities. I asked if the price was flexible and he claims that's what he pays and tried to tell me that the rental market in Manhattan has completely rebounded. YA RIGHT, try that on a tourist. I've lived here 23 yrs. He's moving to Nashville for a few yrs and wants to hang onto his "great" apt. What he's actually doing is making at about $500 a month on it. No thanks. Tomorrow I'm looking at the house right next door to me. 2 bd, 2 ba duplex w/ a yard for $1800. That's more like it. That yard has been the bain of my existence and the only downside to my backyard. So this is ironic. It's full of garbage, like old furniture and junk. But you can't see the garbage in the summer cuz the weeds are so thick and 7' tall. I've hated that yard being across my fence so much. It makes it impossible to ever get a grip on the weeding and the mosquitos breed over there like crazy. No one has ever stepped out there since I've lived here. Funny that the guy even mentioned it has a yard when I called. Well, I totally renoed the yard I have now, I can do that one too. I didn't mention that I live next door in case he knows my LL. He lives off site, so he may or may not recognize me & I'm not admitting to living next door unless he does. It would make an easy move. No truck. I'd just move all my garden over the fence. Carry everything by hand that I can, and hire 3 guys to carry the big stuff. I'm really hoping this is it.
And the best news I have today.... My little partner in crime is returning tomorrow! I missed her soooo much. I'm picking her up from the airport in the morning. I'm bitter that I didn't go. We were supposed to go together, I haven't seen my family for over a year. But I stayed back to find an apartment. And I didn't find one anyway, I may as well have gone. Oh well. If I'd gone I may have believed I missed out on the perfect place cuz I wasn't here looking. At least I know there is nothing that got away from me.
Nothing's different but my mental attitude. I'm fine again. Everything will be ok.
