Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What does he want?

cantbreathe,

These goals are okay, but I would say DO NOT call him period. Let him be the one to contact you. I think he's still in the A.

What are YOUR goals. What are you doing for yourself? How are you taking care of yourself? That's what you should be detailing.

It could be anything from re-arranging the furniture to the way you've always wanted to getting a whole makeover to make you feel better about yourself. You need to take care of numero uno first. That will make you strong and with that strength will be the confidence to handle any problems that come along.

Start off small and go from there.

I don't think he's still in the affair. I check the the phone detail online daily. He hasn't used the computer in days (yes, I'm sure), I know where he is, and we don't have any extra money that I wouldn't know about for a prepaid phone. I think maybe MLC?

I think our problems now are less from the affair, but from the confusion / pain he's feeling since and from how we've both handled things.

I will not call him anymore unless I need about work or the kids.

As for goals for me:
1. Eat healthy and exercise - lost 20 lbs so far
2. Work my designs (I design knitwear on the side)
3. Focus on my kids
4. Whip this house into the shape I want it in.

You are on the right track. I’ll come back to the list in a second.
But Stuck is right. You aren’t thinking enough about yourself here. What’s the GAL list look like?
The other satisfying thing about GALing…you can control you. And when you do things for you, you can have expectations because you have control over you.

When your H is having a nutty, you just need to duck and take cover. The best way to do that is get your life. GALing sends a message to them too….”Holy crap! She really might be having fun without me! I can’t have that!”

Your 180’s….they look good.
Your mini goals….not so much. Here’s why….let’s say you don’t get him to start conversations, or say goodnight or goodbye or watch a tv show with him or call you at lunch…..does that mean you’ve failed? You’ve set up mini goals that are going to make you have expectations. That’s a good way to set yourself up for failure and disappointment that you could have avoided.

The mini goals are really better named “benchmarks” if you will. It should be IF he starts conversations, says goodnight, says goodbye, wants to watch tv with me and calls me to say Hi at lunch, then those are positive signs….but YOU DON’T NEED THEM. They’re just gauges for you maybe. Because let’s say he never does any of those things or doesn’t do most of them, ever. But one day he comes to you at home and says “I’ve been such an idiot. What am I doing? I want you to know I do love you and I am committed here. Just give me some space to figure it all out, ok?” Would that be a great sign he’s in this with you?

I would just note if those “mini goals” happen, in a journal or here. And make note of what was happening when he did ones of those things. Did you make his favorite dinner and he wants to watch tv with you as a thank you? Did you and the family with him have a great day doing something as a family and he gives you a happy goodnight? Did you leave him alone because he came home with a sour puss face and you thought “Wow—gonna give him some space for sure!” And then later he kisses you goodnight? That’s what I mean. I kept a journal so I could see what was working and what wasn’t.

You can do this. You’re doing pretty well. It’s hard to gauge when you’re dealing with a semi crazy person, I know.

Thanks, Stronger. I am and have been keeping a journal. It's what finally made me see my part in continuing the fighting.

Not yet, you have to actually stick to the plan. It is time to drop the rope, he will check to see if anyone is on the other end eventually. His reaction to YOUR call is script. He is justifying his decisions right now by telling himself that he is being smothered by you.

Let's see if you can go a week without bringing anything up to him. Just respond to him only. I bet you will only last a day. Are you up to the challenge.

Burt

You're on Burt! When he got home today, passed on the pertinent kid info, kissed the kid, and said bye.

1 for 1. Remember look hot.

Burt

Thursday night we talked. He finally told me everything, told me he was sorry for everything, promised nothing like this would ever happen again. Saturday he told me he loved me. Sunday was one month since all this started. We had an argument, but then agreed that we were starting fresh. We are not mentioning it again. Period.

Things are of course still weird. He still doesn't want to touch me. From our conversation, I gather that it's because he doesn't understand how he could have done this if he loves me and that he's not feeling too good about himself, given how he's always felt about cheaters. I asked him to just take it slow and be my friend.

So what now? Do I just try to live our life normally? Take the physical end slow? (hard!) I know I need to continue to work on me and continue to give him the space to work through this. We are definitely not out of the woods yet, but hopefully we are on our way?

Ok. Here is where you need to STFU. I hope you understand that acronym.
If you don't....it's Shut the Bleep Up.

This is why I say this: he's said the magically words of let's work on this, I'm sorry.

Do NOT give him the opportunity to change his mind or to say that he's changed his mind.
You MUST keep it all comfortable and calm. Even if that means you leave....then by all means, LEAVE. There can not be any fights for at long as possible. He pisses you off, remember this: He may be TRYING to. He may be testing you, he maybe hoping for a fight so he can have an excuse to leave.

Don't give it to him.

You are doing great. Keep doing great.

Relax. Let him figure it out and do the work. You just keep doing and give him space. Good job.

Thanks. He's actually said ily several times since this started (said it Sat, but not since - I think there is still some confusion there ) and he's never actually said lets work on it. But I guess agreeing to the fresh start is that same thing.

It was so cathartic to finally talk on Thursday night (some [censored] hit the fan and that prompted it) and have my questions answered. the apology helped. He promised the she was out of our life forever. In a weird way, afterward we both felt better.

I will now STFU.