Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is it time to go gucci?

That should be posted on every page in this forum - it's applicable to everyone here!

Gucci, Thank you for your input..

I have a question about the 'tone' I should to use to say these things. Sometimes 'decisive' can be perceived by my H as angry. Should I aim for a tone of calm resolve? Immovable certainty wrapped in pink chiffon?



As for the issue of what I might require, I'm not sure that he will ask "What do I have to do?" He may do nothing at all. He is someone who can fall into hopelessness and helplessness pretty easily. I know that the men on this board are working very hard to get their wives back, but I also realize that there must be men who don't bother. They, of course, would not be on the divorcebusting forum.

So I may not have to articulate what behavior I would require. Anyway, I think it is more about a change of attitude, because that automatically leads to changed behavior. If, for instance, he agreed to call me at least every other day when out of town, but he didn't really want to do it, and resented it and felt controlled, I don't want it. I want my man to call because he cares about me and wants me to feel safe and loved and he recognizes the importance of keeping connected.

Dudess, did you understand the idea that Gucci posted?
Tone?

This is for real.
You're not doing this as a ploy to get someone back.
You are making a decision with your life that says I respect myself enough to let go of the people who don't respect me or the relationship they have with me. Who cares if your husband gets angry?

You're right, he may do nothing at all at which point you will know that you have to move on and know that you did everything you could to save this marriage. How could you ever have a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you enough to value you or care for you? Why would you want that?

If he asks what he needs to do... don't answer him, tell him to do some research on his own, get some counselling for himself. Does he already know that you don't feel valuable to him, that you don't feel cared for by him? Those should be his starting points, that's what he should focus on. If he's that clueless tell him to speak to someone else, a friend, a counsellor, a db coach ;-) and get a clue.

If he doesn't work for it, if he doesn't invest time, energy & effort into any of this, he will drop this like he has so many times before and you will know he never had the intention to do any better.

Or you can continue to take this crap from him and be his doormat, whatever floats your boat - it's your decision.

Perfect. Add that comment to your list of things to say to him IF he wants to work this out.

The key is to take care of all of the "what if" and "I need him to's" BEFORE you take him back....

If he says "Okay, I will call you every day"...

Your response (note how these things sound verbatim like a WAW sounds)(he may respond to that with exactly like a BS male sounds on this site)(willing to do most anything if you will come back and love him again)..... YOUR RESPONSE.. "It's too late. I want to be with someone who cares about me and wants me to feel safe and loved and he recognizes the importance of keeping connected. You would resent me because now you would feel like you have to do it. I want to be with someone who WANTS to do it. This just isn't working for me I don't know how I feel anymore.. I love you,but I am not sure I am IN love with you... I just don't know.. Well, I have to get going. Talk to you later"...

If he goes into the crisis (remember it is a CRISIS that causes most people to make massive changes)... he should say.... "no, I won't resent doing it. I do want to do it. I am sorry I haven't been doing it and I was just _____(look for the excuse here even though he is sorry).....





Firm, calm RESOLVE...

If he doesn't respond like you want... Oh well. Not your problem.... Go back to why you started this thread... If he can't make the little bit of "effor" to stay in touch or treat you right, then I believe you are doing the right thing and showing that you know you want and deserve better. You don't want someone who can't do something as simple as giving you a call. YOU ARE doing the right thing.

Hold the line..

Yes, it is for real. I am ready to move on if he does not improve. However, I have not reached the point where all the love is gone and nothing he could do would make me want to be with him again. My objective is to take my leave in a way which maximizes the chances that my H will be motivated to do the work he needs to do in order to be a better man. If I didn’t prefer that he do the work he needs to and my marriage be saved, I wouldn’t be here. Of course it is partly ‘ploy’, although I prefer the term 'strategic'.



I don’t want that. Did you read my synopsis to see that over the past year, the last 5 months in particular, my H made a lot of progress, even though this was very difficult emotional work for him. I think he has the ability to do this, but he needs to work harder than he has to maintain it under pressure.


Although his behavior has hurt me, I have never been his doormat. I am a woman who takes her marriage vows seriously and who sees her husband’s emotional pain, defenses, and feelings of powerlessness beneath the jerkish behavior and has tried to guide him to healing, for both our sakes.

Great. Thank you so much.



Thanks. It feels right, but validation is always nice.

So if he has made progress but has fallen back under pressure...maybe he is under a lot of pressure? Maybe you are adding to the pressure? Not busting your chops but does it make any sense to wait until he returns and things settle back to normal and then see how he acts toward you? Maybe things will improve greatly upon his return. If not, boots start walkin

He SHOULD make the effort, he should WANT to make the effort, but is it possible there is his side of the story to look at. What might that be.

Just sayin' as a former stupid husband...husbands can be pretty stupid.

I think Gucci time is a balancing act. If you can say it is that much of a ploy maybe you are not ready yet? I am asking, not telling. I think Gucci time might work best when you are closer to the F it zone.

Yeah, I am still on the merry-go-round with the latina.

Glad to hear you are still in the running with the latina. Any progress? (Like up to 6 minutes?)

Maybe I am missing something, but I think the worst possible thing to do would be to tell him, “Even though I don’t feel close enough to you to go to France with you, (after spending many hours planning the trip and trying to learn French), you go on ahead and have a good time and we’ll see how it goes when you get home.” Noooooooh. There may be other alternatives that I am missing. I fear that going on vacation with him sends the message that he can treat me poorly and all will still go as planned.

Yes, he is under pressure. If he wants to be in a happy relationship he needs to learn to take his partner into account - always. “Under pressure” is not an excuse. I really believe he thinks it is a ‘pass’ to ignore me. It isn’t, no more than “being horny” is an excuse for adultery. He needs to stop being so self-absorbed. Near as I can tell, his side of the story is, “When I am under pressure I am the only person who counts, regardless of your pressures or needs, and how quickly and easily I could reach out to you, and you should be happy with that.”

As I said in my reply to Purple, if he had responded to me differently, even the next day or the next or the next or the next, I would see it rather differently. As it is, I predict he will call after the big presentation, tomorrow or the next day. He will expect that he could blow me off day after day and work it out a week later and all will be well. (I was to leave next Tuesday).

And this is a big factor for me: there was a very similar situation before we married and he was out of the country and under even more pressure. He went out of his way to make the night before he left special and to call me nearly every day. His actions this time scream “I totally take you for granted.”

If he really loves me but has fallen in to the complacency zone, the gucci way should wake him up. If not, I may as well find out now and move on.

I do appreciate your formerly clueless man perspective. I just can’t think of any other action I could take right now that feels right.

I was pondering this a bit more as I was out walking and want to mention another factor. As per DB principles, I have been watching to see what he does in response to what I do.

This is how it went the past 3 weeks:

Round 1:
1. he made no effort to spend special time together the night before he left
2. he responded with coldness to my upset about #1
3. he stonewalled for a week
4. we talked it out on the phone
5. I went ahead with our plans & purchased my ticket.
6. A few days of regular lovey/dovey contact

Round 2
7. He didn't call for 3 days
8. He responded with coldness to my upset about #7
9. 5 days of stonewalling (so far)

So I would predict that talking it out on the phone, then going along as planned, (after being ignored, getting the cold shoulder and being stonewalled), would most likely get me more of the same.

I also observe that a year ago, when I first talked with him about the Stosny bootcamp and he said he would do it, he did a little bit, very slowly those first months. It was only when he read the part about how the author advises women to leave if he doesn't do that work ,that he got his butt in gear.

Going back many years, I also recall that he did not spontaneously propose to me after the customary year or so of dating. He only proposed after I said, "I love you, but I don't want to date you exclusively year after year, I still believe in marriage. I understand if that's not what you want, but I have to be true to myself." And then he saw several men milling around, the now available me, at a party.

So I went back and re-read your first post in this thread. So for 2 years of friendship and 3 years of dating it was good? Sorry to get all analyst on you but what do you think changed that for 5 years things were good enough that you married him but then you got married and things went south.

I do think job stress can screw with you but anyone can find 10 minutes a day to blow in a call...or 10 minutes every other day at least. Guys fighting in Iraq find time to call home.

Upon re-reading, Lay the Gucci on him. This guy is 17 years older than you? You are a groovy chick! You could probably trade him and get a guy 17 years YOUNGER than you. A Dudess is a terrible thing to waste. How do you feel about French guys?