Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Advice on DB-ing when sep spouse lives at home

SR-

Thanks for your note and your encouragement. I have't been on here too much the past week - just lurking a bit.

I am trying to stay away from R talk - nothing like that has come up for a long time now. He hasn't even hinted anything about moving out for probably at least three months or more, and I ignored it back then, too.

Today was a bad day but overall not so bad most of the time. You're right and I have turned that corner (for the most part) where I do feel that I am the one with the control now, that he is lucky to have me (and not the other way around - most definitely not now!!!), and that it will be my choice if he ever returns to earth to accept him back. The limbo is hard though.

I am tackling some major organization/decluttering projects that I have wanted to do for years now. That is how I keep busy and get my mind off things. I have spent the past few months working on me internally and purging the bad and now I am trying to carry that out on my external surroundings. I am tired of clutter and disorganization that comes from years of being too busy working, chasing small children around, etc. But now it is a priority and things are starting to look good!! It feels great.

Hope your day got better!

Faith ~

Gosh your situation is so much like mine it's unreal!

I know exactly what your talking about, and the way you are feeling when I'm reading what you have written.

The Alien that resides at my house, use to leave right before dinner was done. It was almost like he was listening for me to take the plates out of the cupboard and then jet out. The first couple of times I was so hurt ( How could he resist my cooking, he never could before ) After a while, and when I got stronger, it got to be amusing!

I so can relate to what you said in the last paragraph.
We do deserve better than this! But they are goofy guys right now. I feel I have come a long way in my journey also. They are not there yet. I thought mine might have been, but no.

It's funny... Since H got home, he hasn't even asked me about the letter. I wonder if he even remembers writing it. It was five days ago! lol
He doesn't even look uncomfortable to me either!

Hang in there girl! We will all get there! We can meet them at the finish line and cheer for them when they cross over!

MJ

MJ -

It really is encouraging finding people who know exactly what I am going through. I don't know ANYONE in "real life" that has gone through/is going through this. I would love to meet someone else's MLCer and see if I could spot it in them.

That is how H was all summer - seems like he ran out the door before dinner every night. So now him being home is strange (but good). He just walked in the door a few minutes ago (never said where he was of course) and I managed to be pleasant (oops - had to quick shut this down for a minute - he came in :)) and not throw anything. He is down with the kids now.

Do you think your H is waiting for you to say something about the letter or trying to test your reaction?

Am trying to hang in there with all the grace I can muster. We could be waiting at that finish line a long time!

Faith ~

He just had three helpings of Lasagne! Yep, he's really uncomfortable!
He told me that it looked like it rained here while he was gone. I said I don't know it might have! That was a great 'quick think'! Maybe I was out of town

They say that the MLCer acts normal around other people. Work etc. So I don't know if you could spot it in someone else. Maybe the eyes. But then they don't look at other people the way they look at us. My friend, who also does my hair, said when she saw H last that he had a weird personna about him. Like an emptyness!

H is doing the dishes now, and hasn't said anything about the letter yet. He may be testing my reaction. I've been on my laptop, singing while in the kitchen, dancing to some music that came on TV!
I hope he doesn't think I'm on something!

Have you ever seen a Triatholon where the last ones are coming in after midnight, and they're even sitting down for sev minutes before they're coaxed to get up again. That's what these guys are like. Fast at the beginning, but slowing down at the end. Mine use to be gone all weekend, then went to getting home late at night, now it's usually home by eleven.
Still trying really hard to make sure I know things are still going through as planned.

Little does he know, he's not the one in control!
GOD knows every star in the sky, every hair on our head, and he knows how our lives will be lived before we are born. He knew what was in that letter. He was there when H wrote it.
He was probably shaking his head and wondering what crazy thing are you doing now!

(((hugs)))
MJ

MJ-
Funny about the lasagna! That doesn't sound like someone who is uncomfortable, and neither is staying at home and doing the dishes (can't wait until my H picks that up again - I don't think he has done the dishes more than once in the past year, beyond occasionally putting his own in the dishwasher!).

It is good to know God is in control and at least he can see what is going on in their heads!! None of the rest of us can figure it out!

Interesting observation about the triathalon. I am starting to see that with my H. He used to stay out most of the time, stay up until all hours, etc. Now he is in way, way more and seems to be heading to bed earlier. I can slowly see tiny ways he seems to be settling back into himself, if that makes any sense. His interactions with me are usually pretty normal and relaxed now, other than the glaringly NOT normal things like him still sleeping in another room and not wanting to tell me much at all about anything. Baby steps, baby steps.

I have backed even more off asking him anything than before, though I have barely asked him anything in forever it seems like. I was at least usually asking how his day was when he came in. Interestingly, the other evening when he came home from work I didn't ask and he started asking me how my day was, etc., etc. , like he was fishing. So I asked how his day was. Turned out it wasn't very good. So maybe he WOULD miss me if I weren't around.

I never knew anything about MLC really before this started. What a strange thing. I image H does act pretty normal at work, though surely some things are at least a bit different about him! Who knows.

Hi guys,

I think they can hold it together at work reasonably well most of the time, thats partly why the run out of energy at home.

I noticed H did not eat during Depression stages, eats more now. So may help indicate a bit where he is. Its also perhaps not wanting to particape if during the Anger stage??

Please keep in mind that during a crisis, they are exceptionally good at compartmentalizing their lives. What appears to be normal at work, could actually be a mask put in place to keep others from knowing what is actually going on within them. At home, the mask can be removed and they can just be what they are at this time, emotionally charged teens. It's difficult to wear masks all of the time....

TF,

again you sound good. I know the major things haven't changed here either (the sleeping arrangments etc...) but I think they will be the last to change, one way or the other.

I just wanted to echo Snodderly, they compartmentalize. Men do this anyway, but with MLC, it is much more obvious.

Good reminders about the compartmentalizing! No wonder he sometimes seems so exhausted or such a mess when he gets home from work. And Cat, you are right about this being something men can normally do when they are not in crisis! I know my H is/has to be way more outgoing and extroverted at work than he is by nature and I can't see how he could keep his job if he wasn't able to wear a mask/be different at work now. It seems if they couldn't wear that mask at work and with others they really couldn't function in the real world during the crisis.

It is so hard for me right now to sort out what is "normal" behavior for H and what is not. It has been at least a year since I first noticed him slowly detaching from us/the real world (in hindsight) so it is hard to remember what normal life used to be like!

Oh I can relate. There are many days that I think about how much easier this would be with H not living at home. I have problems when my adult H emerges because it is so sad when he retreats once again.