I'm new here and I have never posted anything on a message board before but here goes:
I am 43 and my husband 44. We have been married 22 years and have 3 grown children. We have always been the perfect family with the perfect marriage.
Our sex life was always GREAT until about 3 years ago. I notice in many things that I've read about men with low sex drives that they have always been that way but it got worse over time. My husband is not one of them though. He always had a very strong sex drive. We had sex an average of 3-5 times a week for about 19 years then all of a sudden nothing.
I know that he loves me very much and that there is not another woman because if he is not at work, he is at home but something happened. We have sex about every 3 months now and I have to beg for that.
I think the worst part of it is that he won't give me any affection. No hugging, kissing, cuddling. Nothing. I tried to talk to him about it but he says he doesn't feel like a man anymore and he has always been a macho type man. He thinks that if he shows me any affection that it will have to lead to sex, which in the past it usually did, but I really miss that part as much as I do the sex.
He does have problems keeping an erection when we have sex and this is frustrating to him I know so I think he just thinks it's better to not bother.
I miss him, if that makes any sense. I miss his arms around me and the way he used to look me in the eyes and the way he made love to me and wanted to pleasure me. Is it selfish to want him to do these things even though he doesn't want to.
He does have viagra but he won't take them. He says they make him feel funny, but that's just one of the many excuses he uses. I try not to bother him about it alot because it seems to make matters worse but I'm afraid if he doesn't use it he's going to lose it or maybe he already has.
Quote: He does have problems keeping an erection when we have sex and this is frustrating to him I know so I think he just thinks it's better to not bother.
He does have viagra but he won't take them. He says they make him feel funny, but that's just one of the many excuses he uses.
If he has the Viagra then can I assume he's been to the doctor about this? Viagra is not for every man. Some do experience negative side effects and for some it just doesn't work at all. There is a new drug on the market to compete with Viagra (starts with an L, I believe). Your H might want to ask the doctor about that. If he's having these problems then it's understandable that it will affect other areas of intimacy, too. My ex-husband had this problem.
Quote: I try not to bother him about it alot because it seems to make matters worse but I'm afraid if he doesn't use it he's going to lose it or maybe he already has. Any advise? Thanks
I would advise you to buy the book The Sex Starved Marriage, or borrow it from the library. It covers this issue in great detail. Has your H had a full physical recently, including complete blood workup? Perhaps some of his hormones are low. It could also be related to side effects of certain medications. It doesn't surprise me that he's reluctant to talk about it and instead withdraws. This issue flies in the face of all men have been led to belive over the years about sex performance.
Good luck and keep posting. GraniteRose (aka Barbara)
Thanks so much for your response. I am going tomorrow to see if I can find the book.
We did try something different last night that seemed to help. No sex, just some physical contact. It was nice, and even though it didn't lead to anything else, it was nice just to be held and feel loved. Like I said, I think that part is just as bad as not having sex.
I see now that I'm not alone. There are many others having the same problem I am who don't want to call it quits. Thanks to all of you for sharing.
Just a quick suggestion of the viagra....try cutting the pill and taking just a quarter of it. This is still effective and produces a lesser effect for your H than with an entire pill. This may help.
On the other hand...Be careful that he does not think he has to take this every time. This leads to more anxiousness about sex because it requires thinking about it ahead of time instead of just letting it happen.
Quote: We did try something different last night that seemed to help. No sex, just some physical contact. It was nice, and even though it didn't lead to anything else, it was nice just to be held and feel loved. Like I said, I think that part is just as bad as not having sex.
That's good! Take it one baby step at a time. If there's nothing medically behind the low desire, you have to work on the mental side of it. Would going to therapy be an option for either or both of you?
Quote: Our sex life was always GREAT until about 3 years ago.
Bell, my X is HD, in our 40's and on she became an HD, as I became a LD, one of natures cruel tricks. The more she wanted it, the more I withdrew. Would not even cuddle for fear she wanted sex. My lastest LF was HD, I thought I could keep up, found out I did have the desire. Is there an easy solution, don't know, I am going to pursue an herbal remedy.
Thanks for the info! I do worry about him thinking that the only way to have sex is to use the viagra. I can see that already happening. I will suggest a smaller dosage as we progress through this. Thanks again!
GraniteRose I see that you give some great advice! Thanks for your support. I have seriously thought about therapy but don't know if it would do me any good to go alone and I know I could never talk him into going with me because it would embarras him to death. He won't even talk to me about it. But then again maybe it would be easier for him to talk to someone else. I will try to bring it up to him. Thanks so much for your help.
poepad Love your comment! you seemed to have hit the nail on the head with us. I feel like I'm scaring him off at times. I have learned over the past several months to give him space but then I get discouraged because nothing happens.
Our children our grown now ( 23,19&18). We have both dedicated our lives to them and I have really been looking forward to them leaving the nest so we can have time for each other. I thought this alone time with each other would be great but I think it has made matters worse. He seems more afraid than ever to get close to me and I feel very alone. I'm really still trying to figure out if it's can't or won't with him.See, there I go again almost blaming him by saying he won't. I guess I should have said, it is either he can't do it or he doesn't have the desire. He says it's not me, but he really won't talk about it enough to find out the real problem. I ask him what I can do but he says nothing, that it's his problem, but it is affecting US not just him.
If you find an herbal treatment that works please let me know so I can suggest it.
A book Aching Man recommended to me has a LOT of herbal remedies, vitamins, etc., that you might want to look into. I'm pretty sure you can find it at a local library... and amazon.com has a really great synopsis of this book, with a good many preview pages. I really think, especially in your case, you should take a look at this book.
