"How can two people be so compatible in all areas but the bedroom?”
I keep asking myself the same question. This is eating me from inside. I keep telling myself- this is someone I love, I get along with wonderfully, he has so many things I want in a man- I feel blessed, and lord knows there aren't so many other men out there that are so right for me- so I really don’t want to break up. On the other hand, I am really afraid that I am walking with my eyes open into something that is going to be a disaster. I read other posts of people who are married for 20 years and I get so frightened that this is going to be my faith. But I really love this man and want to be with him. I tell myself, during the good times- ok I can live like this - its ok. But then I remember the bad times - and I am afraid they will come again. I also know that even if he will try to have more sex etc, the knowledge that I want more, and that he isn't as passionate as I am about our love making will always eat at me. This is really horrible. On the one hand I tell myself- you have your warning- don’t go ahead and make this official when you know there is a problem. On the other hand I just want to hope everything will be ok. I can vent like this for hours. for me, this is one area I can't talk about with anyone- not even my closest friends- I don’t want to hurt his privacy- you know the stigmas on man- I didn't even think there was such a thing like LD men before I found this board..
How does your boyfriend react to talks about this issue?
(p.s. - sorry about spelling mistakes- English isn't my mother tongue... )
"How does your boyfriend react to talks about this issue?"
I am glad to see that you have replied today. I am ditto with every word in your post. I feel the same that I am totally in love with this man and we are extremly compatible. He is my best friend and we do everything together. We do work opposite schedules (he is a police officer that works nights) and this does pose a few problems for us.
I have to admit myself in the past have not reacted well to this situation. I have found myself angry or crying in disappointment. I have tried lingerie, backing off, and being the aggressor or anything to so called "spice things up". We have had talks - if thats what you call them - regarding our sex life. I have expressed to him that sex in a relationship is something that I think is important. That there are feelings involved of comfort, togetherness, and feeling sexy and wanted. His reaction to my talks only causes him to back off even more. He then claims to become anxious of sex or that I make him nervous? He has never had problems with performance so I don't quite understand his nervousness. His anxiousness leaves me with no where to go. I can't initiate but yet I can't wait for him to initiate either! We only have limited time to spend together. I have explained that it does not have to always be an event, quickies are great sometimes! We have been through good times and like you I have come back to a bad spell, which is what brings me here.
When he has responded to the talks, he tells me that he thinks that the fact that we are so compatible in other areas is what is important to him in our relationship. He does like to make love to me, but that our schedules are just different. He has even agreed to be a part of trying to improve our frequency, but he hasn't ever done anything. It doesn't seem to be sinking in how important this is to me.
I haven't had anyone to talk to about this issue either because it is very personal. He pretends to his friends -and obviously in his profession, very macho men- that our sex life is great. And don't get me wrong, when we have it, sex IS great. However, I am going on a month now....tonight we are having dinner and I find myself preparing for the "just in case". It feels like a setup for failure these days...I get dressed up, smell good, shave my legs.....well....we'll see...
I don't know if we yet have advice for each other but it is comforting to be able to finally put this into some type of words. Us being here is a sign that this is definately an important issue.
Have you had any discussions with your boyfriend regarding this issue? How has reacted and what have you tried?
Quote: I didn't even think there was such a thing like LD men before I found this board..
Probably more than people think. And with many reasons for the LD. In some cases, it's medical, in others the stress of the job. Others, like *my* H, have events from the past that they need to overcome to be able to have a full relationship in the present. For this, we are seeing a therapist -- something I never in the world thought I would ever do but which is turning out to be just what we needed.
Might the stress of his job be getting to your boyfriend?
HDgirl: "Have you had any discussions with your boyfriend regarding this issue? How has reacted and what have you tried? "
We did talk about it, quite a lot. As I said we had good spells and bad spells. During the bad ones, when we talked about it, he would say that this is just a period, it will pass etc. obviously he is satisfied with much less sex than me. At first I used to get frustrated and angry and for a long time I could not fathom the notion that a men wouldn't want to have sex. I couldn't understand it - I had these really bleak scenarios as to why he isn't interested. And I kept asking myself how he can go on for a month without etc. I have tried everything you tried - sexy lingerie etc. it has nothing to do with it. It just doesn't make a change. And I know he loves me very much. Well, today I understand that our libidos are just mismatched. I used to ask him how was it with his last serious girlfriend- just to understand if it’s something about me. He said it was a matter of periods. So I think this is the man and there is nothing I can do about it. I do think that during the good spells I can compromise and live like that quite well. After all- this isn't the first and most important thing in a relationship. But it is a very important aspect nevertheless... and it’s the bad times i am afraid of. I am afraid that this will only make any future arguments on other subjects worse for the lack of sex. Also, I have to admit to myself that even if we will reach some kind of a good condition, he will probably never be as interested as I am. There will be some discrepancy. Always. The thing is, i keep telling myself - you have such a good relationship. Who is to tell that the next guy you meet will be such a wonderful match in bed? And if he will, what if he has other aspects you can't stand? i used to have a boyfriend who was amazing in bad and we where very compatible sexually, but i could never live with him for the rest of my life or marry him- for a ton of reasons. Last night i told my boyfriend about this site i found (ssm). I asked him to just listen to me and not get upset. I told him about this forum, and how for the first time i found out about other people with the same problem as ours, and that there was a name for it (HD women, LD man). And i told him how apprehensive it made me feel, to read all those messages of people who are married for 20 years and going through this horrible fights and frustrations. And that i am afraid about what is going to happen to us. He asked for some time to think about it. So i don’t have his answer yet. I know he does understand how important this is to me. And he is trying very hard. Things have really changed for the better. but still, i am mostly the one initiating, and its hard to know he would have got along fine without it, and is doing it for me. G.
Definitely work on it (that is if its workable, I haven't yet seen a couple who has sailed through this, sorry to sound so negative) before you even contemplate marriage and think very hard about whether you can live with it, whether everything else that you have that is wonderful is enough for you to overlook this area? LH
Hi, I think the fact that you're asking the question gives you your answer. You definitely need to figure this out before committing to marriage. Which is pretty much what everyone else has said.
Just a few thoughts to add to the mix:
HOW you handle differences in your R is probably more important even than what the specific differences are. Right now you have a difference in sexual interest. Others will come up, trust me.
When I was 27, if someone had told me sex would become a take-it-or-leave it thing with me, I would have laughed them off the planet. I had a libido to match any "HD" person here.
Quote: I know he does understand how important this is to me. And he is trying very hard. Things have really changed for the better. but still, i am mostly the one initiating, and its hard to know he would have got along fine without it, and is doing it for me.
This actually sounds pretty good to me. He's stepping out of his comfort zone and doing something FOR YOU. That's a significant act of love. What you might need to find out is if he thinks he can and is willing to keep this up (no pun intended) throughout your marriage. Chances are he will occasionally slip up and need to be reminded. Are you okay with needing to remind him? Is he?
Also be very clear with yourself and him what it is you want/need. Frequent sex, innovative sex, sex where he initiates, sex where he's totally hot for your body?
Finally, think about what sex means to you. If he doesn't initiate sex with you or only does it for you, do you believe that means he doesn't love you enough or in the right way? Does sex need to mean the same thing to him as it does to you in order for you to feel satisfied with your sexual relationship or to feel loved? Even if you're having sex frequently, could you be comfortable with the differences in meaning or would it eat at you?
Some of the issues that come up on this board are not as much about the frequency of sex, but about what a person believes sexual interest means.
Gwendolin - just another thought for you. My sitch is different, but when my H was going through an unrecognized clinical depression (and, unbeknownst to me, having an affair that was mostly emotional) he suddenly lost interest in sex with me. I negotiated through our marriage counseling for H to commit to a specific night each week. Having that "date" to have sex took a lot of the pressure off, as I knew I would at least have sex then, so I wasn't always risking rejection. And it took the pressure off of him in that the rest of the week he didn't have to feel pressured.
Seems to me that right now your conversations probably leave BF feeling pretty bad about himself. This approach might take the pressure off.
Also - has your H been thoroughly evaluated for medical problems? Clinical depression, thyroid disease, testosterone deficiency can all cause low libido.
Dear G., I really thought of my situation when I married my husband in 1996 when I read your post. I was also the one more interested in sex although I didn't really mind and kind of enjoyed initiating sex and getting him to respond. Well it did get worse and we stopped having sex when I stopped initiating! I now feel lonely, rejected and trapped. Don't marry him unless you can accept the possibility of not having a sexual relationship in your future. Perhaps there is hope if you start counselling now and learn about why he is having trouble with intimacy but there are no guarantees. Good luck to you. Starving
I think it is great that you were able to mention this site to him. You are obviously working at this in the right direction in that you are initiating steps to communicate. I find that initiating that conversation is that hardest thing to do. It sounds as if he really had no reaction to it? What is he thinking about? Would you show him the site? Have you read the book yet?...still waiting on mine...I think the book might lead to avenue for discussion as well.
The fact that he is making some attempts for you is proof that he does want you to be happy as well. What is the happy medium? After reading some of the posts I am thinking that we should really put into a list the reasons why sex is important to us. This is my plan in the next few days...to really think about why this upsets me and to put it onto paper. I think this will be useful in future discussions with the BF. I'll share a little when the list is completed.....
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