Just face it - your W has lost her passion. It's not just you she doesn't fancy....it's just IMO she doesn't feel fanciable by anyone. Next time she talks about her weight ask her if she wants a gastric band! It's not a hard equation - she needs to burn more calories than she put in her mouth.
Saffie, like you said most people don't like something about themselves and she has that typical woman "I'm fat" thing going on. Yes she is over weight but I still loved her. I Don’t like me not having a leg but hey It’s not going to grow back so I deal with it......
I know I feel it hard to empathise with her on that one because I am not overweight....but even so I have bits about myself I don't like - most of us do. Your W just seems to not like herself in any way and she lives her life through your son, which will eventually, (at best), will lead to disappointment as on day he will leave her and find a girl of his own, and at worst she will give him hang ups.
YES I need not add more to this one...
When it comes to OM, to be brutally honest you have not forgiven her for what happened. I get a very strong feeling that sex with your W is almost like a dog marking its territory again. I am not saying that is unusual- I was like that with my H after OW- I felt that I wanted my mark back on him again. However, OM does still stand between you and your W very much. I have lost count of the times you have said you forgive your W about OM and then it crops up again. The fact that you keep saying it says volumes.
To split words … Yes I have forgiven my Wife for what she did way back. I have NOT forgiven what OM did. And Yes not to sound like an animal you are right. No matter what I say or do. She has OM sent. It’s kind of like when you shake someone’s hand that is famous and you say..”I am never going to wash my hand again”. If you feel it also I guess it’s not just a “guy thing” YES I sometimes think… “If I die today the OM is the last person my wife slept with” It HAS turned in to one of those “It’s the principle of the thing” Every night when she goes to her room he might as well be in there also.
I almost feel that until YOU go and cheat on your W you will never feel you have evened the score and that also that might perhaps jolt your W into jumping one way or the other.
Here I don’t like the words “even the score” I could NEVER just sleep with a woman with just “Now we are even” going on in my mind. BUT. Yes I have waited 2 years…Yes I do think that maybe I am just a little too trustworthy, It’s not like my marriage is anything “sacred” anymore between my wife and I. It’s like when you have a new car and you both agree now to drink or eat anything in it to keep it clean... Your spouse then spills a gallon of grape juice on the seat while taking a sip. There is no use in you not eating in it anymore. The seat is already stained. NOW if your spouse was really sorry and you both agreed to buy a new seat and not eat or drink in it again then you have something. But while the seat is stained you would be a fool to worry about spilling something. Understand?
I think she feels smothered by you. She runs to her soaps to escape from reality. Reality has not been great to you guys recently with her job losses and then yours, and yet you Doc, are able to be sunny and look on the bright side....which sometimes to a depressed person can seem annoying.
YES again… I am tired of living with someone who needs so much maintenance in the “depression area” I am tired of coming home and trying to make her laugh. I am ready for someone to great ME and try to make me laugh for a change.
You rescue your W the whole time because you love her and you love her family. You are the classic nice guy, even after all you have read etc. Personally I think it's time to let her fall down and pick herself up. Let her learn just exactly what life would be without your support.
I am trying, but allot of times she is so connected with son that when I don’t do something for her it affects Him somehow...
You act depressed, you let her pick up after you, you start moaning about your weight, (even if you have no reason to), moan about your leg, moan about job prospects generally...
Don’t think I can do this, Funny because I know I love attention, but in the past when I have talked down about myself... It feels to me like that is all I am trying to do. I am not comfortable with that.
...stop being her rock.
Nothing to say here
Let's face it, you have tried everything else. She doesn't know how lucky she is to have you and secretly I think you think that to, which is why you haven't let go of this OM thing- and be real honest - you haven't.
No I have not
I agree it's too early to get steamy with her. I think she needs to see that you are desirable to other people and that if she doesn't change her tune she will lose you.
Yes and I am trying but it’s hard to go out and socialize with out a bar being involved. Also people that I do socialize with know I am married and I can’t really get to know anyone of the Opposite sex without it looking bad...
Sure she wants to be married....just exactly the way she is....it suits her. So either decide if you can live with a M on these terms or decide what you are going to do to change it.
I know this all comes across as a bit harsh doc, but I have been with you a long time and you know I care, and you are just going round in circles. Your W needs taking out of her comfort zone. Move her in with her mother and you keep Anthony with you.
I know but I have the feeling the only way I am going to get her “out of her comfort zone” is to use the tool she gave me way back… She said if I contacted the OM “It was over”
Not sure how she feels about me going to “his turf” in a few weeks. Funny that it did not seem to bother her that much when I was going to be staying with my buddy and his wife that week. But I decided because of my leg, (Getting up at night to go to the bathroom, taking showers) I am going to be staying in a hotel during that week, (will stay at buddies on weekends) Now she starts making suggestions to justify me staying with buddy... Take a pee bottle, if his shower had a tub you should be ok
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Ok so today I had an adventure that I wanted to relay to wife but I also wanted to tell her a few things about my feelings. I did not want to start off with the adventure and then lead to the “talk” as an after thought so………
Me: W I am really tired of dealing with what we have. I know you know my feelings but I have more to say so you can never say “I did not know”
I have Never cheated on you or lied to you while were married so again I am just being honest.but for the last two years I have been though hell...
W: I know you have
Me: Until you take care of your issues and can let yourself love someone… Love Anyone. You have problems. I feel I have done 80% of the work on our marriage.
W; I agree
Me: When I was talking to my buddy that I am going to see in Washington I told him we have been separated for over a year. He asked me why and I said that you have issues and I am just tired of dealing with them. It feel sad that I lost the battle but it felt good to finely tell someone. I am tired of hiding this and I will no longer do it. I am not going to go out and tell everyone but if someone asks... We are separated” I know the OM in not the issue but every night when you close your bedroom door on me in my mind he might as well be in there with you. I am not angry and I hope you do not take this as me wanting to start an argument. I am just telling you how I feel.
W: I don’t want to argue either.
Me: when I get back from Washington we can discuss where we go from here.
W: That sounds fair
Me: Ok so to be clear I am considering us “separated”
I then proceeded to tell her about my day..
W later came into living room and told me about her day as if we never had the talk so I guess I did good..
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I don't know what to make of your conversation other than you just said out loud what you both were thinking. She's admitted to you that you were doing all the work. Well what about her? It's been 2 years. There comes a point where you either sh*t or get off the pot.
I read on a few books that it takes a minimum of 2 years for a betrayed partner to "get over" an A, IF both spouses are willing to support one another. Since your W hasn't been doing that, you have been trying to heal on your own, while dealing with the betrayal.
Trust me, I'm in your exact shoes right now. However I was able to lay down the ground rules so that W and I are in the same bed and she has been doing little things here and there.
Your W hasn't really changed. PLUS she told you to never talk to the OM "or else". What the hell is that? She shouldn't have been in the position to even make that demand. My W told me the same thing and I told her she couldn't demand I do or not do something. Whatever I decided to do, would be MY choice not hers. And whatever the consequences were, she would have to live with the fact that SHE started this whole mess with her A.
You need to take the power she has over you away.
Just my 2 cents.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
WOW... But I have to say it takes an awful lot to put a fire underneath her butt.
I don't even know what to say, only that this time you may really need to stick with what you decide... maybe letting her go will bring her back to you...
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
