Orich, I feel your pain Buddy. I have some of the same detaching issues that you do. I am consistantly amazed by the parallels of our stories.
Forgive me for not remembering all of the details, what is your wife's current hang up? She hasn't seen enough changes or just doesn't think it's "meant to be" because she doesn't feel "like she should?"
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
She keeps coming back to she lost her feelings for me, and feels like if it "was meant to be" she would nit feel like she lost the feelings. She is happy with changes I have made.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I pushed a few weeks ago. My W blurted out how much I had hurt her and she would never committ to me again. It was kind of an eye opener. She kind of admitted that she could feel the feelings for me again, but she didn't want to.
At least that made more sense that the "if it was mean to be" talk.
Once again, I say "If we were meant to have this house, I shouldn't have to work to make the payments." or "If I was meant to be in good shape, I wouldn't have to go the gym to work out. It would just happen." Gotta love the throries on how magic pixies would just fix things w/o work if it were "meant to be."
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
She keeps coming back to she lost her feelings for me, and feels like if it "was meant to be" she would nit feel like she lost the feelings. She is happy with changes I have made.
Love is a 'choice'. It's not a 'feeling'. It's a verb...an 'action' word. It's a decision one makes. You can choose to love someone...or you can choose not to love someone. Right now, she's 'choosing' to feel the way she does!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
How true... This was one of the main messages at our Retro experience this weekend, and as my wife and I made the 5hr drive home we discussed this topic quite extensively the clear picture that I got from her was that she buys into the whole concept of love as a decision however, the decision is hers to make and the time has to be right.
There were certain behaviors from me in the past that still require forgiveness and this needs to happen followed by trust before the "Decision" to love can happen again.
These two things cannot happen (at least in my situation) until she sees clear and consistent behavior change. The amount of that behavior change and time differs from one woman to the next(in my opinion)hopefully this amount of time is reasonable, and no I do not know what reasonable is...One day at a time.
Me 42, Her 34 M 3yrs, T 8yrs D 5 S 3 S 2 ILYBINILWY 02/09 Sleeping in same bed/with intimacy "I,m done" her words: 05/28/09 She's trying again 06/25/09 Second "I'm done" 07/11/09 She's trying again. Retro Aug 22/09
"Love is a 'choice'. It's not a 'feeling'. It's a verb...an 'action' word. It's a decision one makes. You can choose to love someone...or you can choose not to love someone. Right now, she's 'choosing' to feel the way she does!" - antlers
Originally Posted By: lg193
How true... This was one of the main messages at our Retro experience this weekend, and as my wife and I made the 5hr drive home we discussed this topic quite extensively the clear picture that I got from her was that she buys into the whole concept of love as a decision however, the decision is hers to make and the time has to be right.
There were certain behaviors from me in the past that still require forgiveness and this needs to happen followed by trust before the "Decision" to love can happen again.
These two things cannot happen (at least in my situation) until she sees clear and consistent behavior change. The amount of that behavior change and time differs from one woman to the next(in my opinion)hopefully this amount of time is reasonable, and no I do not know what reasonable is...One day at a time.
That's some great insight...thanks!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
When I was a WAW....I absolutely "hated" it when people would say that love was a decision. In fact, I remember sending some posts on this board regarding that very subject. I simply could not buy into the idea that you chose to love a person and that it wasn't all about feelings. I know & understand the teaching behind it, but to a WAW, you better duck if you say those words! I think I remember saying something sarcastic about how I might as well be looking at some stranger on the street and telling myself that "I choose to love that man for my H!" and that it made about as much sense as saying love is a choice. (Remember that I was still very much a WAW when I came to this board.) Since false "love chemicals" are flooding the brain of a WAW and has her fogged out, it isn't so hard to see why she would not accept this concept.
Quote:
Do things b/c they are the right thing to do FOR YOU, and no one else. DO NOT have ANY expectation of anything when you do them. NONE.
Orich, I know you realize all of this and I don't want to beat a horse but maybe somebody else is reading and could use this thought. I thought of you being such a dedicated Christian man when I was reading the abov e quote and how that Christians live "right" b/c it is what God wants them to do and not b/c they expect a blessing in return. (At least, that is the way it should be with Christians.) If we strive to live a godly life--or to do a certian good deed toward another...thinking we will be repaid from the Lord with some wonderful blessing, then we have lost the entire concept of being a Christian. We do what the Lord teaches us to do b/c we "love" Him....not b/c we expect anything in return. Come to think of it....that is how we should treat love in all situations. I guess it is just so hard in a MR b/c it's complex. We get so hung-up on our hang-ups. If only we would keep those sweet feelings we had on our wedding day! Hummmm....that is when it becomes a "choice".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am tying to do things for me. I'm fact, since I am off this week, I am doing something almost every night. Tonight I am writing this from our tent in the backyard with my older son. It brings back some memories that make me kinda sad; w and I spent our first few summers together camping a lot. She is nit out here with us tonight. Just as well. Movies tomorrow night, party Wednesday night, spiritual direction session Thursday night. Each day, some sort of trip with the boys. See what you make of this: when w was off with the boys she said she was tired by the end. When I suggested that the boys go to daycare for one day while I was off, she flew off thehandle. Why should you get a day off whith them, I didn't get one. Strange. Still little communication. And of course, much of what I am doing now is all wrong according to her. At one point I tried a huge "as if". I started talking about my day in detail. After about 10 mm-hmms later, she completely stopped answering at all. She had no interest in what I had to say.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
You've got to stop looking at the negative. Yeah, she is competitive with you in parenting. Yeah, she doesn't care to hear about your day. But did she do anything right? Anything good? Did she ask one question? You need to start identifying the things she does that you like. And focus on that. Negativism breeds negativism. You have to break the cycle.
