So got home, had dinner - she said at some point, again, that I'm her best friend but she can't talk to me, can't interact with me... that she's depressed, can't get anything done, can't get out of bed in the morning. And she realizes it's her own doing -
W sought me out. Commented on how I've been exercising.
Asked me how I'm doing, I said, doing OK. She says - "you seem pretty upbeat lately. You seem to be doing better than I am." After a moment, I said, what do you need? She laughed and commented about how I'm always there for her.
She talks about how sad she is, how she just wants to get comfort from me, to cuddle with me, etc. but can't do that because I can't be that person for her anymore. Said I have nice legs, she loves my smile, my laugh, how I make her laugh, how I calm her down. She said, maybe we can just stay in the same house like this forever. (later, she said how hard it's been to be in the house going through this) She said she loves going on vacations with me, that she's so happy we went to Hawaii in May and took lots of pictures.
Then she said that we haven't been happy, that I haven't been happy either, and that this is neccessary. After a couple moments of silence, she says, "what?"
I said, well, I don't believe that. And she said, she wouldn't have done this if she wasn't sure. She said that she'll always care about me, etc.
I moved her over in the chair and held her a couple of minutes, then got up. Went into the kitchen. At one point I took came close and kissed her on the cheek - she said "do you want to just make out?" and then laughed... no, kidding.
Then, hugging her, she said "I really love you."
She asked me to watch TV with her. After the show was over I held her again for a few minutes. Then she got up and went to bed.
So - in summary - she loves me, but she thinks we're not happy, so she wants to proceed.
I know you guys are going to throw bricks at me for being too accessable. Go ahead. Tell me what you think.
Here's my take.
I think that my wife is struggling with depression. I think that part of our relationship, from the beginning, has been based on me filling up that hole.
When we went through this in 2003, that's what I did. I became a source of positive energy, I led my marriage to a place where I fed it. I was a source of strength. I found some of my old posts, and remembered what hard work it was.
Recently, though, I haven't had that energy. Sure, work, whatever.
Well, apparently, she's noticing that I'm doing this again. The dependable, strong, positive energy guy. The changes work.
So, many of you have asked me the question: The changes didn't last, did they? I'm tired, can I keep it up? etc. Fair questions. But I think my wife has large needs for support. I'm taking a look at the basis of our relationship. She said it herself. I've been the only one out there for her. She doesn't maintain other relationships. I'm her source of support.
I want to save my M. There are a lot of positive things in the way she feels, but she still wants to leave. I can do the work. I can be strong. I can lead the marriage and the family. I can put in positive energy, and be more attactive than the option of leaving. I think. I will do that now.
I think I have a longer-term problem though, that my W struggles with depression...
I have other thoughs but they're kind of jumbled up. This is it for tonight.
Well, I think it's better to show her how positive and happy life with you and her family could be rather than telling her. Actions rather than words are way more effective.
I do think you may be right. I think no troubled marriage is just on the shoulders of one person. She probably does have issues to work on like depression. She shouldn't be looking at you to fill her life or make her happy, and has to learn how to make herself happy. I think you can and should do that whether you're married or not.
I do think you will probably need to be careful and work hard the rest of your life on trying to maintain a balance between work & family. Something you just have to be aware of. I'm prone to depression and know that I will have to work on that all my life; doing what I know needs to be done. Like someone that needs to lose weight--you can't just do it for a couple months and expect to be healthy forever, it takes long-term effort to stay healthy. Karen
I've been away on a vaca' for a bit so I haven't kept up. Listen bud, this is a long road. No 2x4's for being accessible. There's a fine line there, but you didn't cross it with that particular interaction.
One piece of advice now, start a journal. Keep track of what gets a positive reaction and do more of it. Keep track of what gets a negative reaction and don't do it any more.
Something else I learned in my travels - when they say believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do - it isn't completely right. You can ignore the professions of how sure she is that she has to proceed and that there is no other way to a certain extent.
But when she makes actual complaints or points out things she doesn't like you better be all ears. These should be burned into your brain. No temporary fixes with these things.
I see so many cases where people chock everything up to a MLC, learn to spout DB-speak like a native tongue, and figure the H or W will "come to their senses" at some point and never quite get around to working on the things that drove said spouse crazy.
It doesn't work that way. Never has. Never will.
We have all made mistakes in our M's or we wouldn't be here. Face it. Accept it. Do the work. Make permanent changes. You can't change her - true. You can change you. Changing you will change how you interact. How you interact can cause cognitive dissonance in her head, making her less sure.
You have time. Nobody gets a D in a day (despite the late night ads that make me want to hurl) and you have time. Its so much more than GAL. It starts there, but don't lose sight of the fact that she has and is telling you WHY.
I was going to say just my 2 cents, but I think you just got a dime's worth.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
We had the C session today and I feel completely deflated. I'll type more about it, but W was just so certain, C was more or less like, well, there's not much you can do then...
C asked about her biggest obsticle - she said intimacy - emotional, physical, etc. - that we're not compatible. She said she cares about me, she'd do anything for me, but we don't have that connection. She said that as she felt herself slipping into depression, she couldn't let herself do that - she can't fall apart, we have kids to take care of.
C asked about her family, and how that related to how she chose to marry me - W explained how her dad was unstable, how he disowned her, how her mom didn't want her to come live with her, etc. - and chose me as the complete opposite. Stable. Dependable. Safe. But, as she never felt the connection with her parents, she didn't find it with me either. We ate lunch afterwards, talked about our R - and she's still with - I know you don't want this, but it's going to happen, and we've got to figure out what to do with the kids.
I went back to work and had a meeting - there was a work event this afternoon, but I was just done - emotionally exhausted. So I came home and went to bed. Hopefully that's not too pathetic.
My hope is diminshing today. Yeah, I'll get back up there, I'll be strong, I'll do what I'm going to do. If for nothing else than me and my kids. I will make myself OK.
W did say that things were better now, after she's asked for divorce, seeing I've been trying so hard, but she sees the cause and effect.
C asked about my family background - I told her how my family was all independent, individualists - we spend time together in the same room reading much of the time. We were about being productive, too. Someone asked once, what's my vision of a family - my family of origin was all sort of self-reliant, get-stuff-done, tend-to-yourself. I guess that's how I've been.
One day at a time.
Guys, I've read your posts, I will read them again and absorb them. Thank you. Right now I'm a little raw.
You know, I haven't even cried about this yet, over these past weeks. But I think I'm about to.
