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Irregardless of whether or not his W is having an A or not, it is O's decision on what path to take. There is no right or wrong answer or "strategy", despite what some might think, just a choice.

If he doesn't want to do anything, then that is his choice and should be respected. Whether it's the right one or not, it's up to O to live with it.

It's not fair to be essentially saying he's blind or dumb, or whatever for giving his W the benefit of the doubt. He will believe what he wants to believe and everyone should respect that. He's old enough to live with the consequences of his actions.

Count on old "Stuck" to default to is "there is no right or wrong answer" routine again...

Only men who can't be decisive say things like that over and over and over. This gives you an excuse to never feel you made a mistake and also keeps you from taking responsibility. I notice you don't say that to Kevin on his thread. Interesting.
I don't remember EVER seeing you respond to Kevin and say there is no right or wrong. (Actually quite the opposite)

There IS a right and wrong answer Stuck.(whether YOU want to believe it or not)

Why is it fair of you to say things like that to Kevin?

Interesting.

I think you like to argue. I would wonder if your wife feels the same way.

Gucci, I used to think you knew what you were talking about. Now I think you are a bully. None of us are professional therapists, psychologists, social workers or romantic advisors. And that most certainly includes you. Stuck is right. You have no proof that she is in an affair. You don't even know who she is. Luckily, Orich knows how to stand up to bullies. But I'm sure there are others on these boards who may not be so grounded. You can do damage to other people's relationships by giving them cavalier advice.

As for there being no change in his posts, that is manure. They are signed up and going to Retrouvaille in 4 weeks. That is a huge improvement. They are on a path that leads to reconciliation. However, if he were to become suspicious, accusatory, and belligerent at this point, based on your bogus assurances that she is having at least one, and perhaps several affairs, then he certainly could derail the progress he has made. You should avoid dangerous accusations.

gucci,

You really do enjoy the personal attacks don't you when people don't "agree" with you. As much as you'd like to believe you are the "chosen one" you can't go around like the DB messiah and expect people to fall to their knees when you walk by.

Unfortunately you are human like everyone else. In fact, you wouldn't have been here in the first place if your M was all that great to begin with.

All I'm saying is that it's ultimately his decision to make. He's shown a responsible path, so after taking everyone's opinions in, he should do what HE feels is right.

As for Kevin's sitch, if you read his stuff from the beginning, you'll see he was extremely and still is co-dependent on his W. Funny how I don't see you offering him advice.

You pick and choose the situations that you believe fit into your "strategy". Go ahead and pick the ones where there has been mental, physical and emotional abuse and see if your one-size-fits-all method works.

Start replying with respect to others and you'll receive respect in return.

1. Affair or not, 1800 texts in one month is at least *questionable*.

2. People of strong faith fall down this particular rabbit hole ALL the TIME. Your wife would not be unique in that.

3. Cognitive dissonance dictates that if she desires to be with him, regardless of her actual actions (PA, EA, or merely her heart leaning in that direction), her brain is going to make YOU look like dog chow by comparison no matter how well you DB. That is why it is *imperative* to know *accurately* what you're dealing with in that department. If for no other reason, so you don't beat yourself bloody when you don't "succeed".

4. All considerations of affair/not affair aside .... the million dollar question is: Do you want your wife to be with you out of pity and/or guilt based on how pathetic you seem without her? Once you've answered that, you know the answer to your questions about displaying PMA, etc.

Wrong again Stuck. I have a great marriage. It is also one of the reasons that I DO know what I am talking about. You are making some statements that I would suggest you study up on instead of throwing things out and hope something sticks.



No that is NOT all your saying. If it was, then that would have been all you said. You also said there is no right and wrong. (not the first time you have repeated that nonsense)

Af far as it is his decision to make.. DUH.. It that supposed to be advice? No kidding? It is his decision to make?.. I would never have guessed. Get real.

As far as him doing what he "feels" is right. I guess you still need to learn. You should be learning instead of advising. It is dangerous to do what you "feel." Feelings can mislead people. (WS's go by what they "feel" too)

That isn't good advice. He needs to STOP going by his feelings and start to look at the facts and reality. His feelings have taken him nowhere except "stuck"...




Wrong yet again Stuck. I HAVE followed Kevin from the very beginning. You sure haven't been telling him to do what he feels is best. Quite the opposite...

Of course I don't give Kevin advice. Why would I waste my time like you and the others are doing. You others haven't figured it out yet. I have. Kevin needs to hear one thing. IT IS OVER, Kevin. She isn't coming back. It is you that is wasting time trying to help him as I watch and see none of it working.. Waste of my time and yours. How long does he have to NOT listen to you before you realize it? Silly of YOU.




Do you talk like this to your wife when you get mad Stuck?
Be careful with what you accuse me of, because I don't take to kindly to it. I do notice that "your strategy" hasn't brought you reconcilation. No surprise to me. Of course since there is no right and wrong, we know it isn't anything you did.




Interesting. I don't recall that we were talking about respect here. I thought your were "only trying to say"....

You like to argue. I would bet your wife despised that part of you. If she said black you immediately default to white or try to preach to her "there really is no black or white"... etc. etc...

You don't like it because I say my mind. That is because you are wishy washy.

I think I would be a bit concerned if my wife had 1800 texts to a man in 10 years let alone 1 month. That isn't normal behavior for married people who are not having an affair. But perhaps she is an outlier and she isn't having an affair. She just really really really has a lot to say to this man.

I'm all for platonic m/f friendships even for married people, and yes they can exist.

But.

Anyone who is already admittedly unhappy with her marriage who suddenly finds she has THAT much to say to an opposite-sex friend while simultaneously having not much to say to her husband is playing, not with fire, but with C-4. Detonation is well-nigh inevitable. IMHO.

Why are you here, then, gucci? Because my understanding--and I don't think I'm alone here--is that we're all peers here, we're all in something of the same boat and that's what makes this "support" site work. Aside from a small handful of moderators, there are no experts here.