Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

(((Nell)))

You have to learn to let go and trust the process. At times it is so counter-intuitive but it does really work.

What are your GAL (from Divorce Remedy means 'Get a life' or... keep yourself busy and occupied) plans for the weekend?

Hi Eskimo

Sorry I haven't replied earlier. Went and had my car serviced today, for the first time in my life had to book it in myself and take it there and collect it. Also fixed washing machine and cleaned dryer, all on my very own.

Have started packing, ordered a mini dumper to put stuff in that I find that I don't want or any rubbish as I go.

I am glad you got your boots but am sorry you have crashed now. You will have those days mine was on Sunday after H had been really attentive and his old self Friday night and Saturday then Sunday went cold as ice toward me.

The down times are very hard I know. I am lucky that I am going out to dinner tonight with friends, they said I had to come to dinner they wouldn't have me sitting at home on my own as D is out with her boyfriend tonight, if it wasn't for them I would be sitting on the couch eating chocolate and drinking red wine.

You asked if I was financially able to support myself, not completely, I work but H earns 3 times what I do, so he has had to apply for the townhouse with me as I wouldn't qualify on my own and he will have to pay 1/2 the rent and most of the expenses for D. He isn't going to like that but he can't expect to remove us from his life and not expect to continue with his responsibilities.

I will in the future have to find a job that pays a higher salary but for the moment I will stay where I am as I have a great boss who is really supportive and is trying to help me in any way possible, he even still pays me if I have a day off even though I don't have any sick days or annual leave owing to me. So I am grateful to him and I know that I probably wouldn't have that support elsewhere at the moment.

My H will be moving in with a friend, that will be interesting as he lives in a tiny 2 bed unit and has his two daughters stay with him each weekend.

I appear brave on the surface but inside I am dying and feel like my heart has been wrenched out.

What you must do and this is really important, fight any urge to make contact with him first, it is hard I know, but I am finally getting to that point now where I don't check my phone any more for messages or missed calls from him, I also don't feel the desire to ring or message for no reason, if I do contact him now it is for a specific reason not just because I want to.

You have to try and be strong, find that inner strength and draw on it because you have a long road ahead and you are going to need every ounce of that strength, I am rambling now I know.

With the DBing techniques, as I have been told and will tell you this is a marathon not a sprint and it is too early for you to see any outcomes, I have not seen any changes yet and don't expect to until H attempts to live his own life and I can really work on me. You have to find patience and lots of it. He has to deal with his own issues, just work on you.

Everyone here will support you in that, it is all sinking in with me now and I find I am starting to now not think of H all the time, I am starting to think of what I want to do etc. I still think of him just not every minute of the day.

Have to run now Eskimo, I will check in again later, I will be home around 11pm will check in then and see if you are still online, then we can have a chat again.

Oz

Hi JCJ
Thanks for your post. I am trying so hard to believe ... I have just been outside with my precious cats, sitting and reading chapters from DR again ... it seems so easy for the examples in the book and the outcomes are so positive. I can't help thinking that someone wrote all that stuff with rose-coloured specs on, as it just seems too easy. I also think that the positives come easier for those who's H is not a WAH, like mine is.

I have sat and mused over this all afternoon ... I finally cracked and sent a text to H asking if he would like to meet for coffee over the weekend as we have not had much contact his week. Wrong move I know and it now feels even worse as an hour and a half later, he has not responded. At one time, when we were together, his answers would be immediate. Talk about Jekyll & Hyde behaviour.

My GAL plan for the weekend probably depends largely on the weather. Even though it's winter time here in Australia, we are mostly blessed with sunshine at some time during the day and so I shall go out and do some weeding in the front garden -the most noticeable IF and when a WAH decides to drop around! I shall make that my plan for Sunday as tomorrow morning is a trip to the library with a fairly new friend - this is a big improvement in my life over the past few weeks but she has some of her own issues and therefore can not be there for me all the time, as an old girlfriend may be. Any port in a storm though and I am grateful for her, every day.

Other than that, I guess general house chores and attacking those spider webs, which I still have not tackled, despite all of my claims here to be attempting to do so. I keep threatening to get on the walking machine which is gathering dust - perhaps that should be on the agenda, too.

(((Thank you)))

Hi Oz,
Oh girl - you are so BRAVE. I read your post and was cringing inside - I don't know where you are mustering your strength from but fair play to you. Doing the 'first time' things are so difficult.

I remember catching a train when I was back in the UK in June and although I had been dropped off at the station by a friend and my BIL was picking me up at the other end, I had panic attack after panic attack during the one and a half hour journey. It's not even like I had never done that journey on my own before - and last time I had a broken arm to deal with too!

You have a whole lot of strength under you that you may not even realise for yourself. That will serve you well in the next few weeks. Did you get the rental - you didn't say but I'm guessing that you did, if you have ordered a mini-dumper and have started your sorting?

I hear you on H going cold after being 'normal' - that's where I feel that I am at now. You may have read my earlier post when I admitted to having given in and sent a text message to H? I'm angry with myself for 'undoing' a weeks work but I'm also even more angry with him for ignoring me again. I know that he will eventually respond and say that he is not ignorning me, just that he has been busy - same old, same old excuse. The temptation to just ring him is HUGE.

Yes, getting my boots was therapeutic, even though they weren't in the place that I first went to and had to drive another 20 minutes to the other branch, which is actually where I had seen them. Still, got myself some Ugg-type slippers whilst I was there too and all for a great price in the sale! Made me feel good for all of one hour.

Dinner with your friends tonight should be a good distraction. but what's wrong with eating chocolate and drinking red wine as an alternative?!!

I'm glad that you have some financial independence, though I see the predicament in regard to getting your own rental. This is what I fear that I may be facing, some time down the track. I'm not sure my H will be as accommmodating as yours is being, even though I would like to say differently. I guess that's the difference when you have kids - they feel a bit more responsibility for you as a family.

You are so lucky having a supportive boss too - and I know exactly what you mean about waiting to see how your H will manage living with someone else. If like my H who went to stay with a colleague at first, not well! My H has now taken a rental until January - a small 2 bed unit - address which remains a mystery to me as he will only tell me the suburb where he is staying.

Oh yes, I know all about being brave on the outside but feeling that your heart has been wrenched out ... I'm here sister :o(

I wish that I could get to that place where I could stop thinking about H for five minutes in the day. If I go to the bathroom I even take my mobile with me - how sad is that? I turn my computer off 'for the last time' every day but end up coming back an hour later, 'just incase' he's emailed, which of course, he rarely does. Part of me thinks that I should carry out my threat of two weeks ago, go home to the UK and file for D from there ... he has said that he would not consent as he would be disadvantaged. Still, he's happy to threaten me with D under Australian law, which absolutely disadvantages me and let's him get a 'no blame' D ... how is that fair?? I just don't want to feel this way for ever more and by doing the Cheeseless Tunnel thing, maybe I would gather a bit more control over what is going on .. even though it could end my marriage before I am (ever) going to be ready to do.

If only I could see one or two 'baby steps' working for me. I really want to believe that this can work but it all feels very fruitless as I start out on the marathon. I guess it's worse as I am finding DB'ing almost three months after H revealed his intentions.

Try to have a reasonable time with your pals tonight and have a glass or two for me ... talk later (((Oz))) Let's hang on in there together, eh?

I do know how you feel. Honestly. I used to feel the same. In fact very soon after my bomb my h said to me that 'he didn't think about me'(November 2007). Last March h and I had an honest conversation and I asked about that statement and he didn't remember saying it at all and said it utterly wasn't true and that he thought about me a lot and still does.

In the beginning response times are huge. I used to have to wait 10-14 days for a response to an email or text. Now it is instant or a couple of hours. That is because they are scared of your reactions. Your h is probably thinking that you want a relationship talk with him.

Do not do anything else now! Please leave it.

In the future if you suggest a meet up, have a valid reason for it. They are scared of being trapped.

WAS's need time and space, especially men. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. I know that is so hard for us (LBS's) to understand because we need closeness and reassurance but you are not going to get that at the moment.

Great news about the new friend! Have you thought of joining a club or starting a hobby? For me, I joined a choir. That first night of choir was the first time that I did not think about my h or the situation for 2 hours - I can't tell you the good it did me.

You can do this!

Thanks JCJ - well, I have just got a reply! Not what I was hoping for, of course. H said that he was sorry for late reply but he had been full on in work all day. He also says that he is 'unable to meet' this weekend, which I take to mean that OW is coming over to visit - this is a double whammy as I really thought that it was over.

However, he goes on to say that he will come down next week, if that's OK with me and he hopes that me and the cats are OK.

How do I respond to that - or do I ignore it????

Sorry - I didn't meant to ignore the rest of your post - yes, I guess that he is afraid that I will want to do more R talk, which at the moment I don't. How on earth did you cope with being ignored for up to two weeks?? I must go read your story - I'm sorry that I haven't up until now but I am keen to learn how you managed to turn your stich around so that you get an instant reply!

I feel so enraged right now that any R talk would be straight in to D and forgetting totally about DB'ing all together. I am so insensed at his email response this evening. Every time I start to make a positive step forward, he pulls out that rug yet again. How cruel - my heart is racing and my anxiety is making my chest pound.

I thought that by meeting out of our home environment, he may feel less trapped - we haven't done that up until now, with him always preferring to meet here - he says that he can't talk freely anywhere else as he is afraid of people hearing our conversation. I just thought that it would be some neutral territory, which would put us both in a better situation.

Yes, I have thought about joining a club/hobby. I have been doing some beading recently but my head isn't in the right place for socialising right now - I did try but I fear that people are not seeing the best of me. I am just about holding my own with the new friend, although she is so understanding and patient. It's very isolated where we live and I would have to travel about 50kms to get to anything remotely worth doing! Obviously, with finances being tight as well, I have cut myself off at having bought boots today. Perhaps when I get a job I will be able to spread my wings a little more ... thank you for being there.

EN,

Sorry you find yourself here. But, this is a great place for support and advice.



A few observations. You don't know what your H is thinking - you are trying to read his mind, which will only drive you further into an emotional mess. Stop.

Also, focus on what you can control - YOU. You have NO CONTROL over your H. If you thought you ever did, you were mistaken. So, work on YOU for YOU and not any other reason. Work on doing things for yourself, GAL'ing and building up your self confidence. But this work has to be about improving YOU, not saving your M. We are all here b/c our M's have taken a wrong turn, many did not see coming (myself included). We do not get to choose what happens with our M's. All we can do is work on improving ourselves for the better and see if our spouses wake up to the reality that we ARE the best things for them. If they don't, then it's their loss.

Sounds like right now, you should occupy yourself with stuff you want to do this weekend. Just enjoy doing things you have wanted to do but never had the chance.

As far as you struggling to believe in DB'ing, I think it is more about believing in YOU. What I have learned about DB'ing is that the end goal is not to save a M. It is to make us better, stronger people. Only when we have improved ourselves can we expect any positive change in our M.

So, the question is, do you believe in yourself? If not, why not? If not, what changes do you need to make to believe in the one person you can control - you?

I would simply reply saying 'ok, see you next week'.

There is something I learnt very early on here about assuming. You don't know that ow is coming down this weekend, she may be or she may not. However at the moment you have no power over that so there is no point wasting your energy on it. He may well be doing something entirely different.

Here is your chance to start DBing. And you need to be consistant from now on. The key I have found is to not react. Just simply don't react. Be calm.

I don't think that email was all that bad to be honest, he is still going to meet you. That was what you wanted right? Don't assume it is negative, however that doesn't mean you can't be prepared for negative things. Think about what he may say to you next week and think about your reactions - now is the time to bring in your 180 skills. This is the time for him to start to see the new Nell, the new attractive Nell. However don't expect instant reactions, just baby steps.

In my case it took time, patience, more time, more patience and most of all being consistant.

What would my 180 be here if I respond to his email - would it be to say that I am fine and was purely offering coffee with no strings ... that I don't need to see him so thanks but no thanks for his offer of calling in next week?? He only stays for a few hours and it upsets me all over again so maybe I should just go 'cold turkey' now that I have made it this far ... ???