Mountain Yes keeping the focus on ourselves and finding us ourselves again It is a difficult road with the pain comes many unexpected blessings and everything that was missing is found as for the MLCer I loved the recipe so true and it was not our fault-their escape it may never really make sense ans they lose everything and get worse as time goes on it was something they had to go thru maybe to find themselves too I dont know I just went thru the D thing It was hard but just another step It means nothing if you decide to continue your stand it means closure if thats what you need it is scary wishing you strength for tomorrow
peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
The update: She was waiting when I got there. I'm my usual dapper self. Told her she looked nice ... no response. There was this poster in the waiting room that she went on and on about. We talked about work a bit. We do the paper exchange with the court lady. We agree on everything, submit the appropriate forms, bing bang boom, on Oct 8th this will all be official. It was all very emotionless. It took all of 20 minutes.
We walk out together and nobody is saying anything. She just stops in the middle of the sidewalk and tells me she is going to this store across the street. Ok. The play by play is short ... M: I'm sorry it has come to this. It seems like such a waste. W: I'm sorry too. <long pause> M: I'm not mad that you want out. Well I am mad that you want out but I can deal with that. I just don't understand how we've gotten to this point. W: We've been talking about this all along. M: No we haven't. The last time we talked, you said you wanted things to work out with us. Now, all of a sudden it's just over. There is no discussion; no nothing. It's like you decided months ago and just got around to telling me. W: We've talked this into the ground. M: I just wanted to walk away knowing we tried everything possible. W: You don't think that? M: No, i do not. W: Well, I do. <long pause> M: Well, I guess this is goodbye then. Take care of yourself. She then hugs me and we part ways.
The only emotion I saw from her was when she hugged me. I could tell that she was about to lose it. Other than that it was like I was talking to a stranger. Now earlier, when we left the court lady, W asked her about the poster. W is all animated and into the discussion with this total stranger. like they are long lost sisters or something. She is about to leave me forever, and I get absolutely no response from her.
I decided to roll with me today. I can't decide if I totally blew all the Db principles with our little convo in the street, but I couldn't just walk away in good conscience without saying SOMETHING about how I think this is a waste of unbelievable potential. I'm bouncing back and forth between being ridiculously sad and absolutely furious.
I'm not mad that she wants to leave. Well I am, but that is not my main issue right now. I know that I'll be fine without her. I can exist just fine without her. I value myself enough to know that I deserve to be treated better than I have been. I'm mad at the way she left. I don't understand how someone can just walk away after 7 years together with just a "take care," like I'm an afterthought. How do you DO that? I don't understand how you don't even TRY to make it work. And that is the bottom line, for me, I think. Through all of this I have been offering to do absolutely anything to make it work. I volunteered to move anywhere in the world, quit my job, whatever it took. Since this all started, she hasn't even had tried to call me - for anything. Talk all you want, but how do you not TRY yourself? I know in her head she thinks she tried ... but really? How do you convince yourself you did? This didn't happen TO us.
So now what? Right now, part of me wants to believe that there is some internal struggle for her. That maybe she'll regret it - someday. The other part looks at this and thinks, "dude, wake up. She's gone and is showing no signs of looking back. This isn't a shot in the dark for her. She has already made plans that do not include you."
I know that me trying to make sense of this is like trying to catch the wind. I won't ever know why, really, unless she decides to tell me. I will make every effort to stop trying to figure it out and continue to work on me. I'm a great guy. I know my street value. I deserve better than this.
But tonight. Tonight. It feels like I just got run over by a bus. And one that I saw coming. My emotions are all over the place. I know I did everything possible to make this work, but tonight ... I feel cheated. And my heart just hurts. I know it will get better. But not tonight.
Mountain It is hard and you went thru a lot today tomorrow will be better
I believe the way our MLCers leave with NO feeling attached to it is they shutdown maybe thats part of the crises they shut everything down then the OP they are confused and the love for us is buries deep within I speak with many people I have net people whose spouse has left some had affairs many returned others, wanted to return-sometimes it was too late I beleive many wiull feel some regret later after bottom after affair wears off there is NO way to reach them so we have no choice in this to let go you will be OK peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
peace- Thanks for the kind words. I feel better today. Just about every time I see her she has sunglasses permanently attached to her face. Yesterday during the court deal she couldn't wear them, but she wouldn't blink either. The second we're outside the sunglasses return. I remember looking at her and thinking, "I know she is in there somewhere." It's like she is a zombie or something. Crisis mode ... I get that.
Today is a different day. This day is not about her or us. I do keep praying for her (and me). Ultimately I can't control anything about what she does or doesn't do. I can only control me.
On a side note ... despite being hijacked by my emotions yesterday, that didn't happen until the long ride home. All things considered, I was pleased with the way I handled myself DURING the encounter. I was confident and sure of myself like I normally am. Even our brief interaction wasn't begging or pleading, didn't try to talk her out of anything ... just me, MW, being me.
Grace. Dignity. Honor. Kept rolling around in my head.
I deserve better than this.