Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

Thanks ladies!
OK - so I have sent the email .. just as you said, no pet names and to the point - nothing about our R and no "when will I see you/when are you coming around".

I am so trying to be patient but 3 months is a long time for me and I'm so scared that he's running in the opposite direction. I really want to believe in DB but I haven't had any results yet so patience really is a virtue right now! I guess that I am new to it yet though ... petience, patience .... patience! I have the staying power Kara - no worries there - my M vows were for LIFE and I intend to honour them!

My H doesn't think that he's having MLC at all so hopefully his will be very short lived! Trouble is, he is carbon copy of many of the stories. However, I have to say that he is, like your H, a wonderful person, full of integrity, loyalty - relective, soul-searching but very, very deep. I know that he will not have acted on thoughts alone ... he will have done so much before turning in to a WAH and it's that which frightens me. I have NEVER known him to make a decision that he has regretted - or gone back on. Scary.

Weird that you called your H's OW bimbo - it's the exact name that I have given to my WAH's EA. I do know the name but I can't even bring myself to say it. I don't know if the five meeting fling is over but I feel better thinking that it is. Up until recently, I blamed WAH for using bimbo's words instead of his own as what came from his mouth, and his actions, just didn't sound like him at any stage of our R together. I have never heard him speak so venomously and I have never known him to behave so badly toward anyone, leave alone me!

BTW - he said that he was getting the house valued this coming weekend but has not informed me of anything since so I am guessing that 1) he has no plans to meet OW and 2) he plans on being in town.

I went for my check-up this morning and I was thinking about DB'ing all the way there and back. All this heart-ache on behalf of the spouses who are left behind would all go away with three words from the WAS - "I'm coming home". Granted that there would be a lot of work to do after that but imagine how easy those three little words could be if they knew how much work we were prepared to put in - and how happy we could all be in the end. Doesn't seem quite so hard when you think of it that way but of course, this is from someone who still believes in love, romance and yes, of course, her WAH.

OK - so I have started my Grateful For diary and it starts with my number one, reading "I am grateful for the kindness of strangers" - which means, you dear people out there!!

Thanks again ... will check in later :o)

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Fantastic! Thanks June - I shall go check it out immediately.

Hi Eskimo

Thought I would drop in and say hi. The website link given by June I didn't even know existed. I had been looking for a few months now for interest groups but with no luck.

Just keep hanging in there, we are all along for the ride and here to support each other through the ups and downs.

Take care
Oz

Hey Oz - glad that you called by and found June's link ... I looked and there are a few things in Perth that interest me actually - like the book club for women. I am going to take up on that one as I have been reading heaps lately - especially a little book called DB'ing - everyone should read it, married or not!! Shame you are not in Perth or me in Melbourne - we could have met for coffee otherwise.

Have spent the afternoon doing some knitting - a cheap birthday alternative for my girlfriend back home in the UK. Kills time, saves $ and is a very personal gift when you have spent all the hours knitting a vibrant red scarf - she will love it. H will be impressed that I am not out spending money too!

Managed to recall my earlier email to H and add a few more things to it which I really am now even more content with - it totally validates him and his advice, tells him that I am working on ME for my future happiness and is totally up beat and humourous - even down to how I felt about getting a mammogram this morning, my first one ever! That should give him a chuckle this evening when he gets home from work. My (perceived) 180 today was not email him at work as I have been doing. I know that he finds it a big distraction and quite upsetting, so perhaps that's a good first move, eh? Now I'm just hanging on my incoming emails to see if he replies by the morning.

Tomorrow I plan to knock down all the outdoor spider webs that have been waiting on H to get to them. Even though it's usually dark when he gets here (about once a week, with some weeks not at all), at least I can tell him that they are done and he should be surprised by that, too. Is this the kind of stuff that I should be doing ... being self-sufficient and looking after the jobs in the home that he would normally take care of, despite his absence?

As a treat for the week that I have battled through, I am going back in to town tomorrow to pick up the pair of boots that were on sale and I kept putting back. I have decided today that I deserve a treat - I did work for 5 weeks and have done nothing with that money other than contribute it to the bills and home (as H demanded), so as well as to surprise him and pay the Electricity bill, I am getting the boots. Just hope that one doesn't backfire on me but boy will he be impressed when he sees me next ... ! I have big plans for a self 'make-over'!!

Riding fairly high this evening but I guess I will crash tomorrow - seems to be the usual pattern.

What have you been up to?? How's the DB going??

Hi Eskimo (or do you prefer Nell, let me know)

I wanted to reply to you last night but H is very curious about what I am doing on the computer these days and tries to get a look so I ended up just shutting it all down.

I had a look at the site and have found a couple of groups I might be interested in, but will wait till I have moved house and settled down a bit.

Glad you are keeping yourself busy with things, it is a good feeling when you fix up things that they usually do, kind of empowering in a way. I hope your mammogram was all okay, they are not the most pleasant things to go through.

Good for you getting the boots, we all deserve a treat now and again and there is nothing wrong in that, I myself did a bit of retail therapy last week and bought some shoes.

You are right about the pattern of good and bad days, today will be my bad day as H has gone off for the weekend to do all the moronic drunken things he feels he has to do, so I will try to keep busy, getting the car serviced today, something he always organised and did for me, now I have to do it.

For me the DBing is in its very early stages so not really seeing results yet, my 180's have been to stop initiating conversation, he has to talk first, I no longer call, text or email unless he makes first contact and I have to answer. I no longer ask him what time he will be home or who is going with wherever. I go to dinner with friends without waiting for him, if he wants to join he has to find me for a change.

Until I have a house to go to I am very unsettled and not really in a great frame of mind, once that is sorted I will be able to then really work on myself and happiness.

Will check in again a bit later and see how you are going. Should hear about the house today if I have been approved to rent it.

Have a good day Eskimo

Oz

Hi Nell,

My schedule is so very different from yours. I am sorry I didn't get to help you with the email.

It was good. I would have only mentioned to shorten it up a bit.
Otherwise you made all the right comments.

The reason I know your H is watching you is he seems very similar to my H in mood and behavior.

Several reasons are:

My H is eyeball deep in a MLC and would never admit it.

My H left over an OW. Didn't leave until he had a place to go.
It was EA at the beginning, too. Turned PA about 9-10 months into sitch.

When he decided to leave he was mean to me. Very mean sometimes.

My H is also a decision maker, he believes "right or wrong I am going to make a decision" and that is exactly what he does. Very rare to change his mind. He's stubborn.

I watched him suffer in emotion and anguish over what he had done for months. I even witnessed him crying uncontrollably he was in so much pain.

We began to re-create a friendship 4 months into the sitch.

In many of our conversations, H admitted to me he was always watching me. He watched very closely and noted all of the changes. He admitts the changes have kept the D at bay. He really likes the changes and enjoys me in many ways now.

In DB, the experts recommend you write down 3 goals, one of my 3 goals was that H would one day say again that he loves me. H has told me that he loves me and always will. In fact he has told me this more than once.

I have had a lot to read here in the past posts, I am going to jump around a bit.

YES, take care of the chores. Spider webs have to go and, if H isn't around, you do it. Since I am afraid of two things in this world....SPIDERS and ROTTEN POTATOES....I wish you luck!!!!

You will impress H that you are taking great care of the home. It will not leave him with the impression that you don't need him, so don't worry. He knows you need him. What you are trying to convey right now is that you don't need him as much as......You Want Him.

You go girl, new boots!!! EVERY TIME you see H you look like a million bucks. Even when you feel like crap, you look wonderful.

Put on a sexy outfit-head to toes, do your hair and make-up (if you wear it). Put on some perfume, his favorite scent. It will help you to carry off your PMA which is so important to show H right now. He will enjoy every minute looking at, smelling, and listening to you.

On days when I didn't expect to see H, I still didn't let my guard down on my appearance. I got the unexpected visit more times than not and girl was I glad I didn't have a backsliding day. H would always have a positive comment for me, too. I know that it payed off. I still maintain the same. You never know!!! It's maintain, maintian, maintain until it's who you are.

The "what I am grateful for" diary is a great idea. I actually have kept a diary every year since this started. I take them out all the time and I read them. I also keep them hidden. No one sees them but me, never show H. You will, I mean you will, eventually write things in there that only you should know about. I plan to burn mine if H comes home for good.

If you expect to see H, it wouldn't hurt to get some of his favorite eats and drinks in the house. I always did/do this and you guessed it....H always ransacks the fridge and cupboards. I love it. He loves it. It's home and he feels at home. It's a good thing.

Last thing tonight I want to address is your question about "How I managed to re-create a friendship with my H?" I'll touch on it now and will divulge more with time.

It was not easy. I made up my mind that H was not going to leave me. I did a 180 in 30 days. I began by the way I spoke in words and tone to H. I changed my appearance to one that was definitely more sexy and desireable. I began by catching his attention. I maintained a friendly, loving, kind, compassionate, validating, committed behavior with H. I practiced my new behavior so hard that I became someone new. I now do not know how I lived being the Sanderika of before let alone how my H or anyone else lived with her. I could actually go on and on here. My approach will come out as we converse. I have been through the worst time in my life and I do not have one regret about how I have handled the past 4 years.

I am willing to share and for me it is easier to address things as they are presented. I really want to help you and I will, in time, do just that. I also want to share with you that I never heard of DB until 6/2008. I bought the books DR and DB in 7/2008. I had already been DB in my own common sense way for almost 3 years. I was doing what the books were telling me to do.

If there is a regret, it is that my H left me. He left our home. I do believe that the techniques in DB and DR are much easier to practice and instill if the WAS has not actually moved out. Had I known of these, say the year before H left, I do not think we would have been here. I let him go, right into the arms of OW. For that I will always be sad. A part of me has changed forever because of this sitch. I am no longer naive and trusting. I have paid a price. I have learned to be very guarded of my feelings and behaviors and this will be with me the rest of my life.

Nell, I will try and get to you in the morning as well. It's very hectic here right now. My son is busy and I have two jobs to maintain, plus my house. I want to help you and will stay in touch.

(((((Nell)))))

Sanderika

Hi Oz,
No preference on name - it's only a screen name anyhow, so I certainly wouldn't get offended!

I chuckled that your H is curious about your computer activity - at least he cares enough to see what you are doing?!

Glad that you found a few interesting groups on the site - I guess that it would make sense now to see where you are going to be living and then make your plans around that. How is your packing going along? Are you travelling OK overall?

Thanks for the validation on getting the boots! I have been having second thoughts, I might say. Still, as predicted, I knew that I would come crashing down today and so am not really in the mood to go get them ... unless things change by lunch time. I was so excited checking my email this morning - I was almost sure the H would have found my message of yesterday far too humourous to ignore, but nothing from him this morning. I was devestated and now all the negative feelings have come rolling back in.

I am sure that you can identify with that, with your H having gone off for the weekend already. I know what you are saying about not being able to see results from the DB'ing at the moment. I felt that my email was the first real 180 and now that appears not to thave worked, I am so disappointed.

I am keen to do the same as you in not initiating conversation - I really wanted to speak to him last night and ask if he is coming down over the weekend but the only thing that stopped me was that he may have said that he had 'other plans' (meaning the OW is back on the scene?) and so the thought of that was what finally stopped me. I have been happier thinking that she is no longer around and so I need to cling on to that thought. May be the only thing that saves me from breaking the NC rule!

How are you fixed in terms of financially supporting yourself? Will you be able to finance your new place without support from your H - in essence, are you working? That's what troubles me is that my H will carry out his threat of withdrawing financial support whilst I am still struggling to get work. He has even said that I should consider moving interstate so that I can find work. How cruel is that? He knows that I love my home and that I am a real 'Cancer the Crab' on holding on to my domestic bliss. You can't help who you are - you can't change your make-up or the fabric of your life, just because WAS is in MLC. I know if he heard anyone else make such a comment, he would have berated them for it.

If your house move goes as well as my mammogram did, you will have nothing to fear, thank you for asking after me!! I trust that you will get the news today that you are hoping for. It will be interesting to see how your H reacts to that - does he have somewhere to go? I think that you are so brave in moving without your H - I fear that chapter the most of all. I know that my H is not here now but whilst we have the house, I still have something to be hopeful for in that he is still linked to me. Not having kids means that he has totally gone when the house does too. I am so scared that time is passing and he is getting more impatient with me to market our home.

I've just decided that I am going to go get those boots so that's an hours drive for me shortly! The alternate is sitting in the house in my pyjamas all day, as that's just how I feel. I'm not giving in to this and so will get the boots then go get some coffee and sit on the foreshore in the hope of seeing the dolphins that I spotted last Saturday!

Will check back later and see if you have had any news about the rental - good luck if it's what you REALLY want! I think that you will make such big inroads to YOU when, and if, you move and get settled. Take care and be kind to yourself.

Thanks Sanderika ... I have read every word of your post with interest, awe and satisfaction! It does sound like our H's are similar ... I just hope that my H can do the turnaround that yours did - afterall, I know him to be a kind, loving and genuine man - it's why I am so upset at the thought of anyone else having him in their life when he is supposed to be mine for the rest of our lives. I can't bear it when I think how cold I have been in the past to him ... how could I have pushed him away as I did - how could I have made him feel so bad that he needed validation in an EA/PA??? I could beat myself for having done so but I guess that I was struggling as he kept me 'locked out'.

I look forward to hearing more of your story as time progresses. I guess that I just want/need reassurance that this will all work out OK for us too but of course, no-one can give that to me. I feel so sick today with the whole sitch. I have been a bit "too good" for "too long" and am starting to feel that I am falling down the drain. I just wish I could shed some tears as I think that it would release some of these feelings inside of me. I am like a pressure cooker, that's overdue ready to blow! Despite that I am holding myself together. I guess that I feel if I do let go, there's no-one here to piece me back together and so I have to look after myself.

You saying that your H is a decision maker and things are right or wrong put a smile on my face. I laughed at my H last week as he kept on saying to me "did you lie or did you not - it's simple, yes or no"? Of course, I had not lied but there were reasons for not having told him something directly, which I was about to explain to him. I asked him who had died and made him the barrister as he made me feel quite like I was in the dock - not that I have ever been there, save for work purposes!! Once he starts on that, he won't give up!

No worries on not getting back to me re the email. I understand that people here are on different time zones and it is difficult. I am going to go get those boots and when I come back, I shall get down those webs. I laughed that you are afraid of rotten potatoes! What a phobia ... !! Spiders I can understand. LOL.

HMy H said when he left that he wanted for us to be friends but he told me last Friday that he can see that is not going to happen now, with things getting worse. I was confused over that as, when he left that evening, he told me that we had managed a 'reasonable' evening together. I don't think that he knows what he wants, nor what he's doing half of the time but to tell him that brings some very negative comments, as you can imagine.

H did comment last time he was here that the house was really clean and smelled gorgeous, so I guess that you are right and that he does notice these things!

I think that you are so right that the DB techniques would be easier if WAH was at home. I am struggling to keep a grip on things at all as he can now go for such a long time with having NC. It's killing me.

Don't worry about getting back until you have time. I understand what a big load you have on your plate - especially keeping down two jobs.

Take care - talk soon.

Hi guys,
I'm losing it :o(

I started the day well, went out and bought those new boots I promised myself, came home and was gonna dust off the outdoor cobwebs ... felt emotionally quite reasonable, albeit that H is my every occupying thought. Got back home, made a cuppa .... and then crashed. I am now reading everything on here in a bid to keep busy and not give in to my overwhelming instinct to contact H.

It's been a week since he's been around and only two emails since - both two paragraphs of pure practicalities. I'm screaming inside to speak with him or to ask if he's coming around this weekend. I'm afraid to do so though as 1) I know that is not very positive DB'ing and 2) if I do contact him, it may remind him that he threatened to have the house valued this weekend.

I'm also still really confused about the DB'ing techniques - I know that other newbies struggle too. I just can't help but feel like I am playing in to his hands at the moment. H is no longer living with me and yet I can feel him moving further away when I have no contact with him?? I have no 'excuse' at the moment to contact him and yet I know that my silence is just what he wants ... I'm trying so hard to BELIEVE in DB but I feel like I am getting nowhere fast and H is the only one who is getting what he wants.

What shall I do ... I know that the weekend ahead will drive me insane as it has already started??