Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Hurt, lonely, imo For No Good Reason

Hi rinserepeat, Sorry to see that you are here. What a story, what a trying time. kat727 has some valid points, I do agree with.

I have to say your BF seemed to be a total arse during his illness. Granted, no one is cheery when sick. If he can't even attempt to fix/work on his own health, I would be surprised if he would really work on anything.

I do find the cat issue a little blown out of proportion & childish on your BF side. But that's just me & I'm an animal lover. That is just part of who I am & I would not change that part of ME for anyone. I would never date anyone who didn't like or want any furkids. I don't know what I would have done without my furkids during my sitch. I can sympathize with you because having to choose would be heart-renching.

Stop bashing yourself! In an R or M it's a 50/50 blame game. So stop taking all the blame. Your BF really needs to man up. Sorry, don't mean to be bashing your BF so. The furkids issue just struck a cord w/me.

Stay strong, this is your life!

thanks. I agree with you. I have some blame. I do believe BF was so miserable and he was making things difficult. I absolutely do give him some blame, in fact imo it's more than 50%. But knowing that will not help the sitch.

I got a raw deal in the M also. H cheated. He was confused for so long. I did the classic everything wrong initially which led to him moving out. I discovered this site and read the books. I turned myself upside down becoming a better person. I had to take the lion's share of it all. I have to admit that DBing can work. But in my case, H came around too late for us. He turned up in my life as an exh after I had gotten involved w/ bf. I had been dreaming of that moment for 11/2 yrs. By the time it happened I was just not on board anymore. A choice btween a man who had put me thru the worst experience of my life. Or the bf who I was a doll and was my rock of support and understanding. A man who I had no bad history with whom I was having a ball with. I chose BF, hands down. I have never had a moment of regret about the decision.

My BF was a total pita while he was sick. You may be right that he may not be willing to work on our r no matter what goes on. That is so sad.
And here I am, once again willing to shoulder the blame and make profound changes and make all the effort to save the r. I know that we had a lot going for us, and I do believe we can find it again. I hope time is on my side. I'm quite frustrated at times, but I feel my heart is still connected to him and I have no intention of moving on.

Before I got the cat, I was here often lurking on the boards. I identified with a poster in the I'm thinking of leaving section. Some of his comments really resonated with me. Rather than leave my own home, I caused BF to leave - same thing. For instance I was feeling that I did want to be happy and enjoy my life and did not think I had a willing partner in that quest. BF was the crankiest sick person ever, and if it had been days or wks rather than months, it would not have exhausted my patience. I absolutely do not miss those months in any way.
Rather I hark back to the time before he was sick, when he was my loving partner and friend. We felt like a good team and we were intent on building a life together. We had frank conversations about all kinds of interesting topics. He was thoughtful and easy going. We had a fantastic sex life. Our kids got along. We made a nice family together and did lots of fun things. That's the BF I miss and love.
I wish he would agree to CT. But he says he doesn't need a professional to tell him what he already knows. And nothing anyone says can change reality. So I can only hope to show small indicaitons to him in our random phone convos that may cause him to believe I would not disrespect him. I have been successful in small ways. Initially he didn't want any contact with me, but now he does seem happy to hear from me - he even said he doesn't mind talking with me if I want to call again. He came to the house a couple months ago to get somethings and I couldn't help but throw my arms around him I was so happy to see him, and he did hold me back. His hand at the small of my back felt tender and intimate. His expression when he left was a man in great pain and confusion. But he is stubborn and has a lot of pride, so despite tiny positives, it will be uphill for me. And as always, no guarrantee for success no matter how much effort I make.
I really appreciate all the input and comments. So many wonderful helpful people here, as always.
blessings,

Well, everyone does have their own timeline for working things out. Did you have any other disagreements in your 4yrs together? How did you work them out? Just wondering.

Thanks for asking. This is my therapy thread, so you may get way more info than you bargained for. I apologize in advance if my ruminations give you a headache! lol.
The short version is basically that our only real serious problems involved him being jealous on a couple occasions. All other problems were minor items that came up involving domestic issues and were resolved thru conversations.

Here's the long version for you if you are an insomniac or if you really want to know the nitty gritty of my sitch.
Your ? caused me to think carefully and the truth is that we rarely had disagreements, but rather discussions in which we would understand ea. other. I more deferred to or catered to his concerns than he to mine. (maybe I spoiled him). But I'm very easy going, so long as he kissed me hello goodbye and we did some fun stuff I was ok. He is very reasonable & practical so I often took his advice.
In 4 yrs., we had few problems. The worst trouble was when my exh resurfaced & would call multiple x a day. This was annoying to bf which was understandable. There was a point when xh wanted to meet me out for dinner. I agreed for various reasons. That's an entire other story. I knew I had no intention of reconciling, but I was intrigued and curious. I don't know how to explain how BF happened to drive by and see us dining at an outdoor table, but he did. He was immensely hurt and ANGRY. It was all very dramatic. By the time I reached home, he had already packed his things and was gone. I called him and asked for an opportunity to see him and talk to him about it. A week later, he agreed to listen to what I had to say. I still don't know how I ever persuaded him to trust me again, but he gave me the chance. It was very good communication, sincere apology, showing him the email I had already sent ex h telling him he was crossing boundarys and disrupting my r and that he must not contact me again, I admitted to a co-dependent behavior in the R w xh and asked for his support & understanding while I improved myself, etc. This was the only time I ever saw him break down and cry. Since I had not really done anything wrong, I think he could sense that was true. BF knew that I journal so he asked me to write to him about what love is. It was interesting homework and i learned a lot about love while I wrote to him. He was satisfied with my essay and we talked long about it. Following that I slowly built his trust step by step until we recovered from what was nearly a fatal blow. It's been 3 yrs since that, but now he admits he never really got over it and how the sight of the 2 of us sitting together still remains in his head & pains him. I can't undo that sight from his memory, but I never gave him reason to be concerned about it again. This created a scar that was hard for him to recover from. (I didn't take it lightly, although I thought he did blow it out of proportion, it's not like I had an affair. I am only just now realizing this was an indication that he could blow things way up, like with the cat.)
A few months later I spent mother's day with my DD father we went to a batmitzvah. He invited me last minute, I think to score a ride cuz I have a car & he doesn't. BF was working so I went. I sent bf a text that I was there. For reasons I don't understand he thought I lied about my whereabouts and was furious thinking I was seeing someone. He even called my DD father to verify my story! He said he was going to move out, but within a couple days I was able to calm him down and promised him I had the truth on my side. I guess this was a side effect of what had happened with my ex. This blew over and was never discussed again. He told me he wasn't going to worry about these kinds of things anymore because he'd seen an older couple walking hand in hand and decided that we would be like that couple, we were going to make it and he was going to stop worrying that I'd be untrue. Beyond that no further jealous behavior.

Our other problems were very small stuff. Like he talked to me once about he didn't like that I would wash clothes in the a.m. and then forget to dry them until the next day because he didn't like how the clothes smell after sitting wet overnight. I agreed that it wasn't a good habit and I didn't do that again.
He told me he didn't like that my DD would leave a mess in the kitchen. I mean if that kind of stuff is even valid as problems. They were, but not major issues. Other things like that - no fighting, just comments about ea. other's habits and a discussion which would result in more consideration.

Things changed after he was sick months on end. He was impossible. An instance was after Thanksgiving. We had spent it with his family. A few days later someone at work asked what I'd done for the holiday & I answered. Later BF was upset because he thought I told the customer that I'd spent the day with old people. He was so mad at that claiming I disrespected his family. He refused to admit he heard wrong. The comment doesn't even make sense since we are middle aged and the family gathering was of all ages. No matter how much I insisted he heard incorrectly he insisted he was right. Foolishness. This was the type of thing I began to experience with him. It caused me to believe that personality change and irratibility were symptoms of his mystery illness.

Maybe it's possible that he somehow began to associate me with the bad feelings he experienced with his illness. I believe my exh did this. He had hit a patch of unemployment that went on for months and he became so depressed. Once he landed a great job, he became involved with ow. I became the reminder of his bad period. So just now as I'm writing I realize that it's possible that there is a clue in this line of thinking. I know bf was becoming increasingly disappointed in what he thought of as my lack of concern or care for him in his illness.
The other day when we spoke he said I should have no trouble finding a man who can make me happier than he could. I told him I'm not even thinking about other men right now. But as I'm writing, there could be a missed clue in his words. He was making me so miserable while he was sick and perhaps it made him feel useless in the relationship, and he couldn't face the notion that he was responsible for my unhappiness, so he flipped it. If I didn't get the cat, it may well have been any other thing that gave him the excuse to flee and not feel like he was failing our r.

Ok, whew. There's some new angles to consider and some honest reflections. If nothing else, I hope all this agonizing will help me. Dang, I miss him. I'd take him sick or not right this minute. If only he were sitting next to me on his side of the sofa.... watching home improvement while I tap away on the laptop searching for shelter kitties on the interenet.

the last bit was a joke. If he were here w me, I wouldn't make the mistake of searching 4 kitty! that was sooo last year.
I think I'd rather be covering him in kisses.

Wonder how much time should pass b 4 I give him another checkup call? There's a live show wed that i know he'd enjoy. if i asked him this soon from when he says he doesn't want 2 c me, it would b pursuit. sigh...

time tells all things. if the gods r willing, i have time.
bless

Rinse,

There's not a lot to be done about it now, but just thoughts for future reference...

My H had 2 affairs in the past 7 years, one short-term, one long-term. I still wanted/want him b/c he is the father of my children and I love him. However, he made valid complaints/comments several times in the past several years, which I dismissed as trivial. After all, he had wounded me so greatly, who was he to complain about small things? One of the reasons he left this time was because he said I did not RESPECT his concerns. Respect is HUGE for men, or so I have read in a dozen different relationship books!

Anyway he was upset that I took the children to church and didn't ever bring tissues (son has raging allergies). I thought it was silly for some reason so I never did bring tissues. I decided if he thought it was important he should do it. I would put off refilling my son's allergy medications and he would go two days without sometimes, which led to bad colds for him. H would get upset and I would get defensive. But then put it off again, several times...Anyway I could go on but the thing is no one thing was particularly major, but the fact that he would voice concern and I blew him off repeatedly was a major blow b/c it was viewed as total disrespect...

If you want cats that is fine, but if he doesn't and is not willing to budge then I guess that is where you stand on things. I know it is about a lot more than that though....

thanks for dropping by my thread.
Yes, the trivial things can become the breaking point it seems.
And I know respect is big for men. Wonder why it doesn't go both ways then?
BIG SIGH!
I guess I might feel differently if he said he just doesn't feel the same about me anymore. That would hurt, but it would signal time for closure. The fact that he admits he loves me, and that he doesn't trust his resolve is he saw me makes me really sad. It all seems so stupid.... to me.

Some of the things you mentioned about your BF being jealous, remind me of a bi-polar BF I had many years ago. I'm sure his not trusting you had some adverse affects on you & your R.

I think somewhere in there you do have to admit, trivial or not, he doesn't want pets. You do not want to go without them. You want to bend those boundaries to suit you, he does not. Believe me I know there is more involved but sometimes just the smallest things offer us the best insight into a situation.

I think he "got along" with the idea of the what pets you had at the time and as they "passed on" then eventually you wouldn't have to deal with them. This isn't something to dance around on your own. Talk to him and ask what this situation meant to him.

I know it is hard to believe that there are people that don't like pets much. I am a dog person, my ex was a cat person and somehow we had both. However, he can't change unless he wants to. And neither can you. Someone would have to really make a compromise here if this R is to have a chance.

kat

Kat, I appreciate it. I could use a little hammer on the head I suppose. I know that you are very right. I just hold some hope that in time he'll realize he loves me more than he hates the cat. Maybe that will happen, maybe not. Time tells all things. I am giving my best shot that he'll come around, I have nothing to lose. I am very willing to compromise, short of giving up my fur babies. In fact I did make huge compromises while we lived together to make him more comfortable. He never appreciated the changes I made to accomodate his disdain for the cats.
I know it's a mute point now, but if he expected that I would never get another pet in my lifetime, then he had a responsibility to communicate that to me, and he failed to do so. He did have a hard time deciding to move in, but I never pushed him to, it was his decision. He admitted he didn't know how he could handle living with pets. Once he was in, and I made concessions to make it easier for him... he never complained about pets. In fact he was very caring and kind when the older ones died. He was very sympathetic and tender to me while I grieved their passing. So I never dreamed he intended I would never have more in the future. Anyway, now I'm just justifying my side again which is pointless.

Msmelancoly, your name doesn't match that smiley face at your sig. I hope you more resemble the smiley.
Yes I think bf jealous issue did indeed affect our r. I breached his trust and that tore us right back down to the foundation. I step by step did all in my power to rebuild his trust. I think this tipped the balance in the r tho. I catered to him more than i have ever to any man. I showered him with love & attention. This even probably contributed to his shock and anger when I got the cat despite his feelings. I spoiled him and I enjoyed doing so. This relatively short r was the longest one of his lifetime. He has a history of bailing the moment he doesn't like something in a r. I found it a challange to be the woman that he would stay through thick and thin with. I was determined that I was going to be different. Even to obtain his love was a feather in my cap since he claims i'm the only woman he ever loved. This does say something about me, but I don't know if I fully understand the depths of it's meaning.