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Bigjohn, I understand what you wrote completely. There are rimes when I catch a glimpse of who my W uses to be. It is those glimpses that help me to hold on to hope. What I am learning now is not to cling to that hope as a lifeline, but rather continue to do what I can for my own life keeping in mind that there still is a chance, and that would be great. However, I have to come to the realization that I will be fine no matter what. It is a difficult thing to detach, but in the circumstance I am in now it is necessary.

Orich

I`m just right at that same point too. In fact if you substitute the W for H in your above post, I could have written exactly that post.

Difference for you is that at least you`re going to Retrouvaille.

After our very rare big convos (four in maybe the past six weeks and all H initiated) H shuts down again. Back to mumbled hellos, monosyllabic answers etc. I`m trying to break that by asking him open ended questions-What,where,when type questions.

And of course, ignoring the silence. Just having fun.I know H would prefer me to be miserable too(he said so) and he has also said we should tell the kids we`re separating 'because we`re not talking anymore". That confirmed for me that he wanted me to be silent too so I`d be as guilty as him for breaking the relationship.

"I will be fine no matter what"

So true, Orich.

It's a rough situation to be in. It makes me feel very lonely. I work pretty much alone, and then I come home and feel like I am alone again. There is the kids, of course. They do make it somewhat easier, but as much as I love being with them, they can't give me exactly what I need right now. It is difficult for me to go out with friends during the week because I have to get up at 4 in the morning to go to work, and weekends are still full of family things. I posted earlier how much I like going to the gym. It is so uncomfortable being around her right now that getting away from her feels better. Strange how I am fighting for my marriage with her and I don't like being with her.
We are at least going to retro. I have such high hopes for the weekend. I hope I am not setting myself up, but I have read that even for people who do not remain together aftr it, it makes the pending separation and divorce somewhat easier.

Morning O.

Up early doing some work.



I know how you feel and understand. I have this too. But, I'm sure you recognize you feel this way b/c she's hurting you and not providing what you need right now. No one said this would be easy. Just remember what hte first part of DB/DR said - for right now, we have to be the ones to carry the entire MR. Not fair, but it is a means to, potentially, a much better end.

We just have to be the stronger ones in the R. And, while we don't feel like we are the stronger ones, we ARE. It is much harder to stand and fight for what is right than just throw in the towel and quit.



NO EXPECTATIONS. I know that's hard, but you have to look at retro as a possible step in the right direction. It's ok to have hope, just realize you cannot place any expectations on your W or M. Go for YOU. Hey, at least she is going.

Nothing in my life so far has been as hard as this. Every fiber of my being is screaming for me to beg and plead with her to come back to me. We are supposed to be together. If we are apart, the whole space-time continuum will implode. Yet I have to separate myself from her to make sure I am the man I am supposed to be, with or without her. Preferrably with, but I have to be sure I will be ok without.

I feel like that too Orich. Its so hard battling on, trying to stay detached, look happy, when inside you`re screaming and don`t even know whether the marriage will survive or not.

With that said, DBing definitely takes you to a better place anyhow and a better foundation for separation if it has to happen.

I do hope you an line up some fun escapes for you. Something that takes you out of the house that you enjoy doing. Or at the very least get to indulge in some of your fav pursuits at home. Yes, I know it can be hard to concentrate on stuff right now but your head needs a break from this.

I have a few things that I would like to do. I am not sure of the best way to inform W of those things. Do I just tell her I won't be home? Do I tell her where I am going? Do I ask her to go? Do I assume she will be home that night for the kids? We live in the same house, still. I have in the past told her I was going fishing after dinner on a few nights. But I want to go to a couple of all day events, one might even involve staying overnight. What is the correct way to tell her I intend to attend these events?

By the way, W's birthday is Monday. How should I approach it? I will certainly get cards and a gift from the boys to her, but what about me? For my birthday she gave me a gift card to a clothing store, and no birthday card. I want to get her something I know she really wants, but should I? And what about a card? I don't want to pursue, but at the same time I don't want to be a jerk. Any thoughts or ideas?

Do what YOU want to do. And don't expect any good reaction from her. In my opinion you don't want to give her anything to point to that allows her to view you poorly ("He ignored my birthday!?!!").

As for the roller coaster mood/interaction swings, I think what makes it hard is we LBSs want to see progress, so when things seem good we read too much into it. I'm just trying to enjoy when things are good and still have expectations that tomorrow will be worse, so prepare for it. Just part of the game, I guess.

I agree, pigskin. I will give her the gift. I have come to accept that I won't get reactions from her like when I detailed her truck. Nothing then, either.
It carries over tot he mood swings of hers. You are right, the happy mood swings get my hope up, I try not to let the downward swings affect me.
The one thing that gets me nervous is how cold she is after her IC sessions. She won't talk about them, and I fear what they are talking about. But I don't dwell on it. It is what it is.