Just been reading your thread. And over 2000 posts - wow!
Dumb, confused, dense, slow, dopey - and the list goes on (and on and on...). How come the people on this side of the fence see it?
Bizarre.
Originally Posted By: snodderly
He's got to grow up and make his own mistakes in his own time and that includes that "ugly betty" woman he married.
I'm glad you didn't get into it w/him. The less you argue or defend yourself, the better for right now. He's still seeking justification for what he did. Step back, allow him to wallow in his mess.
Oh - yes.
And it's so difficult to let the other half get on with it.
Mac Thanks for visiting all the way from s africa Kimmie appreciate your input Snodderly interesting b/c I didnt think XH was still keeping a foot in the door seems like he is totally gone and has been for a while all the niceness and positive interactions we had for the past 2 years seem to be long gone I will talk to xh this week and nicely suggest we can start sleepovers in a while not yet..lets just try some day long visits for now they can meet his W so we can both move on I am ready
I am getting in a little trouble with my BF I am starting to feel more and I dont want to get TOO invvvolved I feel like I have too much unresolved stuff especially with xh going on still..its mostly just xh stuff and dealing with him I do not want him back in this condition so I am done I would consider if he straightened up first, but I sense I will be long gone by the time this may happen But things may not totalkly resovle for a while especially if xh continues on his drug induced path peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Do what ever you need to do to keep your children safe and healthy. Ex does not sound responsible at all.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I would give limited overnights... but with the understanding that the end goal is for the best interest of your kids.. If your childcomes home unhealthy (as has happened) it is NOT in your childs best interest.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
oh yes, and peace.. i agree with Snodderly. My sister used to tell me the same thing about my x and his bimbo at the time. She would say "let her deal with it... it isn't your issue."
We have to let them go completely. We can't be the safety net.
Today while I was getting ready for work that really really hit me. I know that my x is severely depressed.... but if I "go to the rescue" i am NOT helping him. I an enabling him and not allowing GOD to work. I am not his God... Because of our being together he found God... it was not my job (nor yours) to rescue him. Though I want to ... IT IS GODS job.
Let go my friend... (and yes this post was as much for you as it was for me!)
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Hi peace- I am sorry that things have gone the direction that they have with your XH...however, his new marriage may be a great dose of reality and just what your XH needs to bring him back to earth in time.
The advice you have received here is great as always...I wish I had something to add but my brain is too exhausted to come up with anything at all.
Sorry I haven't been around...if you read my thread, you'll know why.
The title of your thread pulled me in. I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. I'm hoping that maybe I can add some perspective that will help. No matter how this ends up your ex will most likely be in this state for years. Hard to hear at least I know it was for me.
I was separated for 4 years and divorced for 3. It has only been within the last 2 months that my ex has resurfaced and filled me in on why things unfold as they do. If he's like my ex he's drinking again because that is the only thing that dulls the pain. Without it life is way too difficult for them but even more so is the guilt. Numbing makes everthing they do to us possible. Samething goes for the OW. She was a diversion to a life that he wasn't satisfied with because he wasn't satisfied with himself. The biggest thing to remember is that you are dealing with a very damaged person. Unfortunately the damage was done before you ever came into his life, so how could you have known the extent of it all. With time and distance, I had kind of figured all of this out on my own by putting the peices together, and also through counceling. Now my ex has freely admitted how his past experience have always haunted him and that so much of this was about what he THOUGHT he had missed out on and how he felt about himself.
Another thing is that most likely your ex gets angry for several reasons. He is still accountable to you not only with the children but also because of the business and the fact that you know so much or ask about his personal business as well. They want to be left alone to do as they please and to make up for all they think they missed. Right now he doesn't want to be rescued at least not by you. In his eyes you are not a partner but an obstacle in him being able to just mosey on and to do as he pleases. They resent our interference. Even asking him those personal questions is in his mind a reminder of why he needs to break free of you. Though we can see so clearly where this is going, they feel as if it's none of our business.
As far as the other woman now wife goes, we all want to put the blame one them. Onething this time and space has taught me is that it was our husbands that directly betrayed us and our children. I know in my heart if it hadn't been the one he hooked up with it would have been someone else. Whether we saw it at the time or not our husbands were already out there searching and the stars were aligning. Oh don't get me wrong, nice people don't do what she did, but your husband's responsibility and loyalty should have been to his family.
Another thing, don't waste your time trying to figure out why he does what he does. The texting and the phone calls most likely mean more to you that they do to him. I hate the term "babysteps". I understand now that this thinking just seems to keep us waiting breathlessly for the next crumb that they throw our way. The truth is that right now you will never know why he married this woman. Was it love or was it him still trying to escape his past by acting out? Only time will tell.
I can tell you this. We all face our own regrets. No escaping that. I have another friend from the board whose timeline may be a bit longer and her ex has basically told her the samething. When your ex reaches that point the only question will be is whether you will be there. Don't feel badly we all have our own life to lead. He chose his road and you have to choose yours.
I can promise you though that no matter which road you take you will look at this time much differently. I have learned so much about myself. The person I was and the person that I have become is someone that I like and respect. My friendships have become deeper, I am a better Mother and mostly I appreciate life and all that I have been blessed with.
Peace, you have just been dealt the cruelest blow, but at the sametime maybe ex has given you the best gift of all, the permission to move on and live your life again. I know that right now reading this doesn't mean much but believe me time does bring healing. The future is unknown but I would bet that the Peace that is here today will be vastly different than the Peace of a year from now. Life in the aftermath or in the meantime can once again be happy and full. You've just got to make the decision to live again.
Who knows? You're story may end up as crazy as mine.
dsm Thanks you for your post It was very hopeful..I still feel like it cant end this way..it still makes no sense How did your story end?
Upside thanks for visiting hope you are ok and your father is doing better
cage thanks you fo your insight and support T thanks for viiting
nothing new here I spoke with xh several times today about one of our vehicles for business that engine blew( due to Xh) XH was civil I hate working with him and sometimes even think of leaving the business to get away from him I hate who he is he stole some titles(vehicles) from my home I just found out It blows me away who he is he used to be an honest man with some integrity
peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Still xh wears no wedding band still no records 3 weeks since wedding?
XH is supposed to tell kids this week..the truth he is M They will meet OW now Wife? I told him he can visit with them every other weekend days no sleepovers yet he seems rational at least today
So Today..xH came to get kids He came inside knocked and walked in..door is usually open this was the first time in many months he came inside usually he calls and picks kids up outside he was NOt angry (also unual) He sat down and started talking for a while mainly about business It was nice the energy was good between us again and I felt ok with it he left after 30 minutes noticing the wood I asked him to cut and get rid of was gone He asked wheres the Wood? I said BF took care of it..He said OH and looked stunned and left he seems like he rerally CANT hear me anyway like in an ear and right out the other WE said goodbye I am pleased that we are talking again Hope we can continue and start a friendship again he seemed Normal I have to watch myself after we emotionally connect I forget how SICK and Gone xh is.. remind me
Well IM off to meet BF have a great weekend fellow warriors peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
