it's funny that whenever I decide to try to address anything with h regarding this r, it always seems to end up with h either stating that he can never do enough or that I am just plain misserable or unhappy.
Last night I tried to address the sex issue with h and once again got nothing more than "that's just the way I am" and of course those cold glares as if to say "you bitch"
I asked h if he saw any correlation or noticed that after he initiates intimacy that for the next few days things are calmer and I am more content...he said yes he did notice that. I then asked why then don't you keep the ball rolling?
I don't understand how h has any right to claim that he walks on eggshells when I am not the one who had a secret life or left...what the hell should he be afraid of???
I am at a loss folks...my h is never going to be like sage's or shiny's or talista's or anyone else's my h is himself and seems to be content to just be...actively working on a r is something not in his vocabulary other than doing things simply to assure the peace or cover his ass.
don't know what will happen but I'm not thrilled with things.
another funny (not so) thing is that h often used to comment that I was happier when he was gone...well gee h there is a correleation there too don't you realize that while you were gone you shared parenting..you were here at a set time...I had time for myself that didn't start after 8pm when I'm ready to crash??
I haven't had a friggen day off since h came home!! what a bargan..he get's to cheat on his wife, lie to her, leave her, and then come home and have his a$$ kissed.
while seperated sundays from 10am to 8pm were mine free to do whatever I wanted..go to mass, visit friends, go shopping etc. since h came home he's got to watch football or go to football games or do something in the yard so I am bound to the kids every day...
of course if I express to h the fact that I don't think it's fair the response I'll no doubt get again is...what did you think it would be like having kids....well gee h, I didn't think I'd be having kids in 1950 where the man is free to go do what he wants and needs to do while the w is tied to the kids every day unless she asks you to babysit and you only will if you are free!!
I'm inclined to tell him to stay home with the kids and his mother (since there's no way he'd do it alone for a whole weekend) in nov (when we are supposed to go away together) and let me go alone! cause being with him is just not worth it.
Uh Oh...I feel you slipping backwards.......I know the trials of being at home all day with young kids..been there done that..what I also did was not have an outside life..and I did not let h either and he brought that up awhile back..I controlled his life when he was home..oh how I wish I could change that...you have to get involved somewhere outside your home..alone, and in turn allow h to also..sounds easier said then done.I don't mean to sound harsh...I do know you have to give each other space, but also allow time for just the two of you..and these days the stress levels are so high and people over tired that it is harder and harder to get these times in.
Quote: my h is never going to be like sage's or shiny's or talista's or anyone else's my h is himself and seems to be content to just be
i don't know ll, have you read shiny's latest?
i am really convinced that all relationships go thru cycles - and if we are prepared for those cycles then we can weather the storm. you were doing so well for the last couple of weeks and then bam, another cycle.
i am sorry you are feeling this way, but where were you a year ago and have things changed since then?
I know that I need a break from time to time, even more so when not feeling well. This head cold got the best of me today...seems it may be more than just a cold as I found myself with a headache and nasuea today (and just incase you come up with the same question as h, no I am not preg the fact that I know for certain is simply adding to my not feeling well if ya know what I mean) so after a trip to the bathroom to get sick, I called my mother to see if she could come relieve me for a while so I could rest. still not feeling great but it was nice to take a nap.
h does have his football wich takes him away almost every sunday during the fall and winter. Now he could say that he only goes to 9 games but those games are an all day event and when the game is away he is indisposed watching it on tv. Since there isn't something on tv that I MUST watch that enables me to put him in a position to keep the kids away from me and there isn't something that I do each saturday or whatever day that "forces" him to be bound...crap the point is even if I did have something to do or some place to go...he is not there like I am for him to be free to do them. he doesn't have to make arraingments to go anywhere he just goes and knows that I will be here. If I want to or have to go somewhere he doesn't make the time for it...I have to find a sitter...that doesn't seem fair to me.
I've just been tired lately and I guess allowing myself to feel bad. guess there's still some things I need to let go of.
Oh boy do I understand this! My H is a sports nut...not just football, ANY sport with ANY element of competition...my 12 year old s says H would watch Japanese Finger Painting if they made it a contest! LOL
So, here's what I have been doing to keep from going crazy during football season.... I root for the Buffalo Bills (my home town) and I watch the games with him when H is home and watching them on tv. I fix us some yummy treats, no big dinners...easy stuff like frozen pizza or order a pizza, or hot dogs and beans, or chili (which I make in the am) or tacos, you get the idea...we munch on chips and veggies during the day and everyone self serves whatever it is I have made for the main course and we eat in front of the TV watching the game... I actually am starting to like this time AND H is being nice about explaining football stuff to me...H seems to really like the fact that I am watching with him and with a little forethought, the munchies and easy meals make Sundays and often Monday nights a breeze as far as meal prep goes....
I get out to my AA meetings and do go to church on Sunday morning without H...so, I encourage you to find something you can schedule on another evening or afternoon (other than Sunday or Monday when football is on) to do for yourself. Explain to H that you need to take a few hours each week just for yourself...whether it is coffee with a girlfriend, a class, church, bible study, a movie, bowling league...whatever! H is a big boy and can handle being a parent one night out of the week....
Make it easy on H at first, have meal and snacks ready for H and kids...but then GET OUT! Go do something by and for yourself...with other friends...but NO kids and NO H!
Oh, and by the way, you may see your H spark a bit more interest in you romantically, if you start rooting for a football team and going out a bit without him...It will puzzle him, you'll be moving toward him in one way...but moving a bit away in another....Keep him guessing!
Isn't it just CREEPY how you and I seem to cycle up and down together...and for SURE for both of us it's not feeling well that's adding fuel to the fire.
I won't even TOUCH the issue, as that's still a sore spot for me...actually, maybe I will, since you mentioned my H in a flattering light above.
LL which is better: to say "this is just how I am" (grrr!!!) or "I'm WORKING on it"...and then ZIPOLA!!
I feel very strongly that you feel taken advantage of...there is NO LL time...
So just WHAT will it take to make that happen??? Your H does sound rather caught in a June Cleaver view of what a W and Mom should be and THAT needs some shaking up!!!
Will ponder...you too!
Shiny
P.S. Any bets we'll feel more "up" when we're not so physically down??
Quote: Oh, and by the way, you may see your H spark a bit more interest in you romantically, if you start rooting for a football team and going out a bit without him...It will puzzle him, you'll be moving toward him in one way...but moving a bit away in another....Keep him guessing!
great ideas a-angel,
when h is at the games (he's a season ticket holder to the pats) I between running around with the kids check the score...when I see the pats up I send a "wooo hoooo!" text message to his phone, on game days I dress both kids in pats shirts, h himself has a closet dedicated to all his fan apparel (all one team mind you) most of wich was purchased by me.
BUT, have you ever tried to sit and watch tv uninterupted for more than 10 minutes with a 4 year old and 2 year old walking around? I do my best to work things around h's schedule...ordering pizza or holding dinner off til the games over...but come on woman doesn't it bug you just a bit that life revolves around h and his interests????
as far as leaving h with the kids...sure I can go out whenever I want...that is once h is home...and oh taken his shower...so that means that I probably wouldn't get to leave the house til 7 or later not much of a releif there.
but alas..the winter is comming and I've been told that my break is comming (meaning he will be around more to help out with the kids and give me some free time)
btw...no correlation between me rooting for his team or doing my own thing and his being romatic or physical.
Isn't it just CREEPY how you and I seem to cycle up and down together...and for SURE for both of us it's not feeling well that's adding fuel to the fire. I agree that it's the not feeling well but I wonder if I may be using that as a cover for really just not feeling good about "stuff" in general.
I won't even TOUCH the issue, as that's still a sore spot for me...actually, maybe I will, since you mentioned my H in a flattering light above.
LL which is better: to say "this is just how I am" (grrr!!!) or "I'm WORKING on it"...and then ZIPOLA!! I occassionaly do get the "i'm working on it, or the I thought I was warming up to you, or it's not as infrequent as you think, or I just go through cycles you know that etc....
I feel very strongly that you feel taken advantage of...there is NO LL time... I do feel taken advantage of, and then I feel guilty for feeling that way..after all I should feel lucky that I get to stay home with my kids but...some definate scheduled me time would be awesome..time that doesn't come at the end of the night when it's cold and dark but perhaps sat afternoons or something...suppose if I said to h...I'm going to do x y and z when you get home sat...he'd be ok with it...as long as he didn't have some plans to work in the yard or something cause that after all comes first.
So just WHAT will it take to make that happen??? Your H does sound rather caught in a June Cleaver view of what a W and Mom should be and THAT needs some shaking up!!! need to just stop doing it...h isn't as like that as it would seem, part of it is that I took on that role of my own doing...he never asked or expected me to cook everynight or any of that..well ok ya he does expect that I will take care of the kids so there's the issue.
Will ponder...you too!
Shiny
P.S. Any bets we'll feel more "up" when we're not so physically down?? I sure hope so.
btw I did start a thread over in ssm take a peek if you like
Quote: BUT, have you ever tried to sit and watch tv uninterupted for more than 10 minutes with a 4 year old and 2 year old walking around?
LOL--I hear you sister. Now I only have 3 year old soon to be 4, but I remember when he was 2. I never sat down for very long. In another year they'll both be another year older and things will get easier. I think you just have to get through this year with the kids. I mean they do listen a little more when they're 4 don't they? Well mine doesn't, but maybe yours will.
How old are you? If I remember you're in your early 30's right? Raising kids is tough especially when the H doesn't help out a whole lot. My H didn't either on a day-to-day basis, but he would take him places for the day. Last winter H took son ice fishing all day!
this thread isn't dead yet, but I kinda get the feeling some of you are afraid to say boo on it for fear of closing it...don't do that..I don't want to have to talk to myself til it's locked.
so despite a minor set back or rather argument the other night...things are still going along just fine.
I think alot of the problems are mine and not h's. I am afraid and every once in a while it shows...that fear pulls me away from h...h doesn't retreat he simply lays back for a bit...but always does ask..r u ok? it's just when I actually open the gates to the firey hell within and share some of the "no I'm NOT ok" with him that things get a bit icky round here...gotta give him credit though..he's hanging in there.
so asside from the ssm bit things are very good...I think that despite all my rantings and complaints..I'm am happy with h..I suppose I just try to find the neg so that if things go wrong I can take the attitude of "well I'm not losing much here anyway" time to get off my damn soap box and admit to myself and others that yes I am happy damn it! yes I do have a great h! sure he screwed up but we are after all only human right?
Go do something by and for yourself...with other friends...but NO kids and NO H! 
issue, as that's still a sore spot for me...actually, maybe I will, since you mentioned my H in a flattering light above.