Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers H with 1foot out the door...LONG

ginab,

Since you don't yet have the book, here is something I copied from one of the posts that JenJam came up with (it may not all apply, but it is very helpful):

1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.

2. Don't despair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.

3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".

4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.

5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own time frame.

6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.

7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.

8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)

9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.

10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say.
You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.

All very good advice. Read it (multiple times) very slowly.......

Your actions right now need to be unpredictable. H says something that hurts you, your natural reaction may be to fire back. Will that draw him closer or push him farther down the D path? Will the statement "I am sorry you feel that way." be a better response?

Enjoy ML. Next time, surprise him. Is sex the same old same old? DO something completely new. Browse the self help section of the book store for ideas.

Enjoy the moment without fearing the future.

Right now you are competing with greener grass. Water your grass to make it greener than the competition....

Think about H complaints. These are clues to what you can change.....

Validation is very important. Do not push your Point of view(POV). Show you understand HIS POV. Compassion and Empathy. Listening is a very important skill to have right now.

Actions speak louder than words. Watch his actions and control yours......

Be very cognoscente of his reactions to your actions.....


Do not take his negative POV as your own. "Smile and wave boys" Project that you are happy no matter how HE feels. You can empathize ...."You look XYZ."

Listen, listen, listen.....Less talking the better.....

HUGS

Well, here's an update on therapy. I spoke about the financial arrangements while he's in the house and how all of our household income needs to go to the household and if he is living there...that means he has to contribute what he always has. If he wants to move out he will have to find funds outside the buget money. His response was that he was upset but that he understood. I thought he would be furious but he's not (or at least doesn't appear to be). I did make the mistake of implying that I knew what my husband was thinking and feeling during therapy and I thought our therapist was going to jump out of his chair and hit me with something. Boy, he really came after me but I think it's just that he knew I was committing marital suicide and he needed to give me a wakeup call. Anyway, my husband said that he would do whatever he had to to get the money for another place. I have to say this infuriated me because we are in 12k worth of debt and he's never once said "I will do whatever I have to do get us out of this hole financially and take care of my family". No, never did I once hear that. So, it's very upsetting that he is now willing to go to any length just to get away from me and our marriage. Now, I also have to realize that he hasn't done anything yet, right now it's all talk. I will say that I held my tounge and did what people are saying. I listened more than I talked (unless the therapist asked a question)

When we left the session I thought he would just not be happy and be all moody and mad but instead he asked me to dinner and he had a great time. He even talked about a possible vacation for us next year. These are the moments when I think his bi-polar diagnosis is right on. The mood swings and changes are just simply out of the blue. However, I was just upbeat about the whole thing and happy and doing my best to be the greener grass sort of me.

We got home, I drove my mom home (my babysitter) and when I got home he was laying down in his room but the door was open a bit (which was nice to see cuz he usually closes it) He called out goodnight to me and that was it.

The therapist hit on something very important tonight that my husband seemed to really think about. The therapist said to H, "You are running away from what you know you dont want. A marriage that has never even been a marriage, where you feel controlled and have no voice or independance in the marriage. You realize that is your own fault but you blame your W and just want out. You don't realize that you could run, instead, into a new kind of marriage where you have all that and more if you are given the proper tools and guidence". This is what I feel is frustrating your W the most. I then said "Yes, I feel so sad that our marriage never got a chance to be the thing we both dreamed it could be. I bare some of the blame for that and it's my hope that our marriage will be given an opportunity for regrowth and that we, as indiviuals will be given the opportunity to heal and grow from the experience." I almost started to cry but I heald it together. H looked over and said "Are you ok"? So we go back next week with the homework of keeping it real and being truthful, even if you think it's going to hurt....be truthful.

I'm so looking forward to getting my book this week. I did get Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil from the library. Figure it couldn't hurt. It seems very focused ont he idea that fixing one's self is the key to fixing one's marriage. So, until I get DR, I'm sure this will give me some good advice. Also, I'll keep coming on and getting as much info as I can.

Thank you to everyone for their support.

Gina b

Well, we are off to the races again. I just need some support. Today started off well with H and we got up and did our morning routine with D and they left this morning happy with kisses. Then I text him to tell him that I’ll be working a bit late so that I’ll be leaving straight from work to my Co-dependence Anon. meeting and I’ll be home right after. This is a new development. I was going home, then going to the meeting. I did ask if this worked for him as he would have H and wanted to be fair. He texted back a hostile “Whatever, fine, go” and I responded by saying “By the sounds of it, you don’t seem fine with the situation. We can discuss if there is a scheduling issue. It’s no big deal for me to go for coffee first. I can just go to the meeting”. He says “No, fine, just go I could care less”. Of course, I can’t leave well enough alone so I say “I’m going to the meeting but won’t go for coffee, I realize this is a last minute decision on my part and I don’t like when you spring things on me in the last minute so I want to be fair”. He then says, “When are you coming home cuz I want to go out when you get there”. My answer is “Ok. I’ll be home at 9:15”. I then ask if this is retaliation or something. We both have a very bad “passive aggressive” thing that we do and we don’t really say whats on our mind, we just play mind games. So, since this is something the therapist said we need to talk about and work on, I said “Are you doing this because I’m making you mad” and he said “G, look, I want out, I want a divorce, I could care less what you are doing. There is no motive here. I just want to go out”. Also, I was going to go out tomorrow night but it’s our date night and that wouldn’t be nice. Although, I’ll probably go out once we get back home”. I just realized right there that I’m not going to be able to argue or even rationalize this situation. I’m going to CODA tonight to work on myself and do my best not to care about him going out tonight and if he’s going to see Heather and realize that I just simply cannot change him or reason with him. I can only change myself and tonight I’m going to seek fellowship with people who are healing and trying to make their relationships healthy. He is not…and I just have to be ok with that. BUT IT’S JUST SO HARD.

When I get home tonight I pray I don’t say anything stupid. Last night he’s talking about next years family vacation and now he’s telling me all he wants is a divorce. My good Lord in heaven how will I ride this rollercoaster and have anything left. I just have to stay the course I guess and try not to screw up the DB’ing process. I’m sure I did lots of damage already today. Please tell me how to handle this situation mitigate the damage and not screw up further.

Thanks...Gina B

So, I get out of my CoDA meeting and I've had my phone off the entire time. As I'm racing home to get there by the time I said I would be home (H doesn't trust me), I get a text that says "Don't rush, I"m not going out". I was actually very angry with him. I was rushing home. I could've stayed and talked with people but I was rushing home so that he could do what he wanted to do. When I got here, he was asleep with his door shut. So, he didn't go out, which I am now assuming means he's breaking our dinner tomorrow night and going out then. But, I guess I'll get the answer to that tomorrow. However, I am not going to ask about it. I am going along tomorrow as if the babysitter is coming and we are going out. If he tells me he is going out alone instead of going out with me, I will deal with that when the time comes. I'm supposed to act fine about it, right? LIke I could care less? OMG, he is going to see right though that. But, I will do the best acting job that I possibly can. I just can't believe how hard this is. BUT...I did do something for me tonight and the meeting was amazing. I just have to keep going. I"m committed to this process and I know it's going to be hard. Can you imagine if this really works and I save my marriage. That really would be a miracle. More importantly, imagine if I come out of this a changed human being..for the better of course. That's almost better than saving the marriage and I'm just starting to see a glimpse in the truth of what I just said. LOL

Hope you all have a good night whever you are in your journey. If you aren't, I will pray that the night is short and peace eventually ascends.

Gina B

Gina

You are on the right track. Just keep working on yourself and put no pressure on h. Dbing is hard when your h is home but it is far preferrable to him not being there. Just keep doing what you are doing. When you feel like screaming just come here to vent. Remember that this process will take a long time so you will need a lot of patience and then some.

Well...amazement of all amazements. We did end up going to dinner and we had a great time. I did't bring up R once and he is actually the one who did. It's wasn't in a good way but I sort of held my own.(although I'm sure my response was not the best it could've been..GOD I NEED MY DR BOOK) He said "I feel bad that I know you are trying to save our marriage and I'm not. You are committed to this and I'm not. I know you are making all these changes cuz I see them and I could really care less. I don't care who you see, or where you go cuz I'm not working on saving our marriage so it makes no difference what you do now." My response was, "What are we doing in therapy every Tuesday night?" He said "Well, I"m trying" I said "Yes, I can see that you are trying. And I really respect your efforts. The changes that you are seeing were necessary as I see how aspects of my behavior has contributed to the breakdown of our relationship. I need to work on certain things for myself." He then said "I have really enjoyed spending time with you lately. It's been fun but I just don't want you to think that theres really any hope because this marriage will most likely end" I told him that tonight I was having dinner with my husband and that I was happy about that. That's all I needed to know.

We had a terrific night. Not some romantic night by any stretch of the imagination but nice, friendly, silly, time. We shared some old stories, we talked about our dauther. It was good and I'm happy.

Tomorrow is a new day and I'll take it as it comes. That's all I can do....that and pray.

Gina B

BAAAAD DAY.....

After a terrific weekend, that ended up with us watching TV and cuddling last night, he tells me this morning that he’s so happy we’re going to be able to be friends after we get divorced. I say “What do you mean?” He says, I’m glad that we will be able to do family stuff and be friendly for D’s sake after I divorce you. I was so blind sided by this and I couldn’t really think for a moment. We had a terrific weekend. He went on to tell me that he’s been trying but there is simply no connection between us and he wants to divorce me because he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He can’t really say why but he just knows that he no longer trusts me and he needs to go and find a new life.

I was doing so well the past week or so. I really felt he was trying and making an effort. He told me if he had enough money right this minute he would be out the door and divorced as soon as possible. He just simply doesn’t see the pain and devestation that this is going to cause our daughter. How can someone do this? How do I keep going is the face of such insurmountable odds. He made another mediation appointment for next Wed to hammer out the final details so that the paperwork can get filed with the court. He would like to go to counseling tomorrow to just get everything out on the table, etc. I’m not sure but I think my heart may be physically breaking. I’m stitting at work and I’m having trouble breathing. I don’t have my book yet. Please, please tell me what to do? Do I just act like this is no big deal? Like I could care less if he’s going to divorce me? How do I do that? Please advise what the next steps would be in a situation this bleak?

Losing hope….

Gina B