LL. My h seems to be so similar with your h, he is not a very affective man... and yes, i do agree that bc all we had lived, the crisis and separation, is more difficult now to deal with that... I need to tell you my h is doing a big big effort to be more affective, and yes, i had told him and expressed him many times my needs and that he can learn and he also need to work on that things i need... and although it seems he is not accepting my needs, with actions the he express me he understand and catch what i said, and that he is trying...!!.. So, A lot of patience, a lot of self control and a lot of self care... When we tends to look aside, and be less focus on their behavior, suddenly they turn their heads towards us... andrea
There is a definite cycle that you have embarked on ... the venting ... the ranting ... the resentment builds ... begin to draw conclusions that this will not change for the better ... then you start to recognize there have been changes for the better and start to accept that the present sitch is more good than bad and even does improve a little albeit slowly, but when you do then you put in that little caveat at in there:
Quote: Things are going well...no complaints here other than I wish all this never happend!!
Seems harmless enough, but its what sets off the whole cycle over again ... slowly building back up again.
LL, break the cycle! The next time you post that all is good, leave off that last sentence. In fact, attempt to finish all your posts on a positive note and see if that can carry enough momentum to break the cycle. It may sound too simplistic, but when I got away from doing it, I recently caught myself getting wrapped up in the negativity of my posts.
Your mention of wanting H's arms around you got me thinking how CAW use to take my arms and fold them around her and lay her lean her head against my arm and just stand like that for a minute or two. For a while I didn't think that much about it or how important is seemed to her so she ended up doing it whenever she felt the need for it. It didn't dawn on me how nice it was to do that until she stopped doing it altogether.
So if you feel like having your H's arms around ... go ahead and put them around you. After a minute or two, turn around and look him in the eye and with a smile say, "Thank you". Repeat as often as needed. Each time he sees in your expression how that gesture makes you happy, perhaps one day he will start initating it. If not after six months or so, stop doing it. After a couple of weeks, there's a good chance he will notice he missing it and starts it up again.
We're creatures of habit and like with any habit it takes repeating a change for a longer than expected period of time to make it stick and since we are now working at making habits that improve our M's, why not work at having those arms of his around you? Does it really matter who puts them there at first?
Quote: been on this bb for an awfully long time...most of those that were posting when I arived have since left and I have seen several cycles of new faces come and go as well. I'll probably never leave for good but I will start posting less and less
I have much the same sentiment even tho I don't have quite as many posting as you, but I've been wondering if my remaining on this bb has much usefulness anymore ...
LL & Kaw, Sorry you both feel depressed about being here so long. Maybe you are here to help all us lost souls. LOL Just remember how far you've come and all those you have helped; all is not lost! Deb
It dont always work the way we want... But you gave it a good try... Cant fault you for that. I hate to admit it, but there is a time you have to see the sitch for what it really is at times. In our cases, it was to call it quits after putting in the good fight.
Take care babe, it has been real. Check in time to time.
Love that, I said that to my H last night. He was getting ready to leave, he lives with OW, we had just ML and as he was leaving I said "it's been real" and he had never heard it before..it just kind of fit the mood of the hour we spent together.
I see the cycle that KAW is talking about, too...(I'm guessing you do, too). What I took from your "more hopeful" post was that you had realized that some of the dissatisfaction (?) you feel may be related to OTHER aspects of your life sitch right now (stay at home, two young kids, etc). I think that's a great insight! How can you work that into breaking the cycle?
You KNOW I'd miss ya if you were gone!!!
Sage
PS 'course you are a neighbor so I could just stop being such a hermit and get out with you all...!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hey..we are old timers here...I agree with KAW, I doubt sometimes that I don't belong anymore..but after being gone for a week, I got withdrawl symptons!!! I missed the friendship and compassion that I feel here..Am I lonely or what? Not really, it is just that we have been here for all the bad days and the good.
You have come a long way...but I do hear that something is not right or at least not as right as you would like. Maybe some time away from here will help you sort it a little better....if you decide to leave for good..I will sure miss you, but understand...you have been an inspiration to me..made me realize alot of things about myself.
About the hugs...my h used to come up from behind and hug me among othere things..touch me.. in the car..at the movies..and I took it all for granted..used to even get ticked at times.........oh how I wish I could have half of that back now...so anyone out there...don't take for granted the little things..if your s is not that kind of person find the little things that they do and enjoy.
Quote: .so anyone out there...don't take for granted the little things..if your s is not that kind of person find the little things that they do and enjoy.
howdy sue,
it is going to take alot for me to leave the bb completely that is why I've decided this will be my last thread that way I'm limited, now that doesn't mean I wont post to others on occassion just not as much. now back to the point I wanted to make about the above...
today I went to walmart with the kiddos. Before getting out of the car I noticed a young couple walking toward their own car...the man opened his own door and then pressed the button so the woman could open her own door to get in. Though it is not that often that h and I do go out in the same vehicle...h ALWAYS opens my door waits for me to climb in and then closes the door for me. So though I don't have a groper or a sneak up behind you and hug you kinda guy I certainly do have a gentleman and I appreciate all of it...he opens doors for me...when we go out to eat he pulls out my chair for me etc. When we do go out be it our to dinner or a "date" to home depot he most always reaches for my hand as we are walking there. These traits I know would be hard to find today. My h is a keeper...the neg thoughts I harbor are what needs to go.
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